“The Ferrari of the virus world.”

The Norovirus


Sun, Jan 13th, 2013 11:00 by capnasty NEWS

Charlie Brooker of The Guardian provides this handy guide on how to avoid the norovirus, the latest viral pandemic which has been “transforming ordinarily carefree human beings into spluttering, sulphurous geysers of molten waste.”

Everyone hates the norovirus, with the exception of two distinct groups. First: scientists. Professor Ian Goodfellow, who has spent the past decade studying it, has lovingly dubbed the norovirus "the Ferrari of the virus world", not because it makes the contents of your stomach accelerate from 0-60 in 3.4 seconds, but because it's so ruthlessly efficient. Requiring a mere 20 particles to seize command of its victims, the norovirus is 200 times more infectious than Daydream Believer by The Monkees. Consequently many scientists claim to be "impressed" by the thing ? a bit like admiring Nazi architecture, if you ask me.

It must be brilliant being a scientist during an outbreak like this because if you get infected yourself, you can at least take the edge off your suffering by admiring the sheer force of your symptoms. The fascinating pitter-patter of stomach contents against the back of your teeth as a fearsome torrent of spew erupts from within like a liquid poltergeist fleeing an exorcism. The impressive way your backside emits high-pressure jets of hot fluid, like the Hulk squeezing silty boiled water from a Fairy Liquid bottle by clenching it abruptly in his fist. The searing aftermath, as your throat rages as though sandpapered and your anus screams like a scalded button. This is nature in all its raw majesty. Film it in HD, get David Attenborough to record the soundtrack, and you've got a Sunday evening treat for millions.



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