Squishy, Bunchy, and Having the Time of Their Lives

"If they were really on the rag, I'll bet they wouldn't be smiling."

#Humour

Mon, Jul 19th, 1999 04:00 by Melissa DeWilde ARTICLE

Okay. I know most of my readers are male, but I'm a Girl, so bear with me. If you get grossed out at women being frank don't read this.

Okay, girls and brave males. The other day I was looking through the coupons in the Sunday paper, and I saw some for pads. I can't remember the specifics.

At the top of the page was a group of women all smiling. I looked at them and thought, "Wait a second. That's not right." If they were really on the rag, I'll bet they wouldn't be smiling. I mean, come on! They're wet, they've got a pad the size of a pillow in their pants, they've probably got cramps, a backache, and are feeling a bit bitchy. They're not going to be smiling. Unless they're getting paid a lot. Which I doubt. So I'll bet the photographer is pretty damn funny.

So let's think about this. He's probably not a comedian because, as we said before, a company that sells cotton and sawdust can't afford one. So he's probably really shy about his comedy. I think that he's got to have a great collection of jokes to make a bunch of P.M.S.-y models smile. And I think it's unfair that he's not sharing his gift with the rest of the world. I mean, this guy must be great! He should go to some clubs and be discovered! We could always use another great comedy mind!

And he wouldn't be a lewd man talking about his wife and mother-in-law or scratching himself and sports because his act would have been perfected on a bunch of P.M.S.-y models! He'd be the perfect stand-up act for women and the men who need to know how to keep them from them!

Now I'm pissed at him. Why isn't he on tour? He's keeping his talent for the beautiful and non-modest tampon ad models! Well, not so much beautiful as hard up for money. Cause I sure wouldn't be in one of those ads. Well, if they paid me enough, but, once again, we've been through this. Anyhow, we should find that guy! And force him to make the cranky masses of women LAUGH! Someone should call Conan. Get the word out. Man-hunt.

Post-Script. Modeling for pads isn't as bad as doing a yeast infection cure commercial.

Okay, sorry guys, but I had to get that out.

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