Cereal Killer

The Dog-Eat-Dog World of Cereal Mascots

#Humour

Mon, Oct 13th, 1997 02:00 by Jester ARTICLE

It's not easy being a star, now matter how little, or how big. The price of fame must be paid if you're an A-list actor, or a cereal mascot.

The Trix Rabbit? The Trix Rabbit has seen his share of scandal. The recent arrest of a notorious Hollywood madam and the subsequent publishing of her "Little Black Book" in a national tabloid has lead to many lawsuits for defamation of character. These lawsuits and public opinion turned against the Rabbit when he was caught speeding in his Mercedes with prostitute Divine Brown and six kilos of cocaine. Hack comedians have had a field day with the Trix Rabbit, his line "Silly Rabbit, tricks are for johns" being the punchline of many vicious jokes.

Count Chocula? Count Chocula is known as the "Martha Stewart" of the cereal world, a ruthlessly rich and miserly man. Having virtually destroyed his business partners Frankenberry, the Booberry Ghost and the Fruity-Yummy-Mummy, Count Chocula no longer makes public appearances, but continues to run his enterprise from his mansion in Bel-Air. Children's Aid societies have attempted to get him to close down his third-world sweatshops where 5 year old children smear congealing chocolate milk on rice bits thirteen hours a day for 5 cents an hour, but without success. Frankenberry, Booberry Ghost, and Fruity-Yummy- Mummy have written a best-selling, tell-all book entitled Count Chocula: He is a Bloodsucker After All.

Toucan Sam (Froot Loops)? For years a member of an endangered species, Toucan Sam used his celebrity status to promote the protection of such species. However, he fell in with more and more radical causes, starting with Greenpeace. He soon dismissed their "conservative" techniques and turned to the terrorist organization ALA (Animal Liberation Army). In 1994, their headquarters in Boulder, Colorado was raided by Federal Agents. Police recovered automatic weapons and explosives, and found further evidence implicating Toucan Sam, the Camel Cigarettes camel Joe, and Smokey the Bear. Sam was released on parole, but during a routine police stop in Beverly Hills, a firearm was found in his car. He was sentenced to five years in prison, but was released after serving two years. Sam converted to Scientology soon after, and can now be seen conducting personality tests in the Dianetics headquarters in New York, in between commercials.

Snap, Crackle and Pop (Rice Krispies)? Though happy and lively in public, in secret the trio hated working with each other. Snap and Crackle were both homosexuals, and had a stormy off and on relationship. Pop, meanwhile, was a virulent homophobe, and concluded that he was carrying the trio. A brief solo career went nowhere, as Pop and David Caruso appeared in a TV series that was both a critical and Nielson's failure. Pop returned to his more successful career, but the on set bickering became more intense. Crackle had been seeing Tony the Tiger on the side, sending Snap into a jealous rage, trashing Crackle's wardrobe and purposely driving his Lambourgini into a tree. Pop meanwhile insisted that he was the real star of the group, and demanded more money. He didn't get it, but managed to secure contract stipulations such as never sharing a wardrobe or changing rooms, and not having to attend rehearsals, only showing up to the day of taping. Their uneasy partnership continues.

Lucky (Lucky Charms)? Lucky came under investigation when the British Army raided a Northern Ireland apartment, where several known members of the Irish Republican Army had been hiding. Lucky's name was found in several IRA documents. When the Army produced evidence that Lucky had been diverting money to the IRA, Lucky agreed to act as informant in order to bargain his way into a suspended sentence. Though the Seinn Fenn denies it, it is widely believed that Lucky now has a million dollar price on his head for his actions, and never goes anywhere without six bodyguards. He is driven to the set of his commercials in a bulletproof limousine.

Sugar Bear (Sugar Crisp)? In secret, Sugar Bear battled a long- time substance abuse problem. His doctors expressed their first concerns when they discovered Sugar Bear was scooping "the other kind of sugar" on his crispy, tasty, honey-coated puffs of wheat. When it was learned that he was freebasing sugar crisp, he was ordered by his agent to take time off to clean up. He seemed to comply, but two months into his sabbatical, he was admitted to L.A. County hospital for 3rd degree burns to 60% of his body. He had been drinking heavily, accidentally spilling vodka all over himself. He then attempted to freebase, igniting his clothes. He underwent reconstructive facial surgery and was ordered by a judge to enter rehab. He continues his battle with the addiction.

The Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bakers? Corporate cutbacks at General Mills made it necessary to reduce headcount, so two of the three bakers were laid off. The first could not take the rejection, and died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound two months later, alone and unemployed. Drugs and alcohol were a factor. The youngest of the crowd left show business entirely, went back to school and received a degree in business. He now has a successful career selling Saturns at a dealership in California. The remaining baker, the plump balding one, could not handle the workload created by the absence of two people. He was admitted to the Betty Ford clinic for addiction to uppers and painkillers after suffering a nervous breakdown. He was fired soon afterwards, but sued for wrongful dismissal. Lawyers for General Mills and the baker quietly settled out of court. The baker was presented with an undisclosed severance payment.

The Honey Nut Cheerios Bee? Seemingly leading a life of luxury and happiness, the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee stunned the world when during the filming of a commercial, he was beaten to the taste of Nuts n' Honey for the umpteenth time, and went on a murderous rampage. He picked up a .45 and began shooting. Two cameramen were killed, and so was the co-star of the commercial, who had beaten the Bee to the taste of Nuts n' Honey on a pair of in-line skates, while the Bee accidentally ran into the back of a garbage truck. Police sharpshooters eventually shot and killed the Bee, but not before four were dead and two were wounded. Survivors reported that the Bee sang "It's that fucking taste of honey, with a crunch that's goddamn nutty...It's a bitch of an O..." throughout the 50 minute ordeal.

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