BK WARS: Episode IV -The Restroom of Doom

#Workplace

Mon, May 12th, 1997 03:00 by Peter Fung ARTICLE

It was just another one of those uneventful days at work, where we almost always get swamped by the masses of people who enter our establishment, just to get something loosely resembling food into their empty heads. For me, it was one of those shifts that start wonderfully in the morning! I HATE MORNINGS! To add to it, I got back from taking my girlfriend home late, the night before, so I was functioning with the coordination of a wounded waterbuffalo.

The last time I looked at the clock, it said 1:30pm, when I thought it was half an hour later, it was still 1:30!! Great! I was trapped in the restaurant that time forgot! I asked my manager, Hey, I think there's a problem here! And pointed to the clock. My manager gives me a puzzled look,"huh?" I sighed and pointed.

"The clock hasn't moved for the last half'n hour!" The manager with a expressionless face goes. "Eh, iz okay! YOU fix." And walked off to do some "managerial" stuff, which means, smoke break every 5 minutes. So there I am, about to get ther ladder, when suddenly a horrified co worker emerges fron the dining faciilities, namely the washrooms, with a look of utter fear.

I asked, what was wrong, all I got from my petrified comrade was a repeated mutter. "Womens...stall #4...it's horrible! Game over man, game over!" that's all he said, until we had to pacify him with a blow from an extremely dated burger. How old? Let's just say, the wrapper still had bell bottoms on it!

We immediately had a emergency session to chose a pair of "brave"individuals to enter the now cordined off area with BK security standing guard with the door marked with, BK LINE DO NOT CROSS. With a toss of a burger patty, I was unfortunate to be chosen, along with a greenhorn recruit, named Chris. Feeling like a pair of Enterprise red shirts, we armed ourselves with deodorizer spraypistols and outfitted ourselves with bodyarmor constructed out of honeycombed cardboard composite, used to package burgers. Completing our equipment, were two motion trackers which made that neat "bleep bleep", noise.

So poorly equiped, we gathered what little courage we had and slowly entered the women's facilities, not forgeting to set our spraypistols to "Freshen and deordorize", and with a count of three, we bursted in, with Chris laying covering fire with his spray pistol. "Who wants some?!! YAAAA!!" he cried out. I quickly entered into a commando roll firing single shot bursts. "Eat this!!!" I screamed, but I didn't notice losing sight of Chris so quickly in the darkness. During the heated fire fight I heard it, a terrrible gurgling sound which was Chris.He succumbed to the smell.

"They must've gotten Chris!Poor bastard!" I muttered to myself as I quickly checked my motion tracker. I was getting multiple signals! "They're all over the place!" I thought out loud. "Perhaps today is a good day to die!" I grunted, ready to pull the pin out of my pressurized can of Lysol grenade I carried in my "Whopper Warrior" shorts. If I was going to die, I was sure to take some of them with me! Just then an huge explosion erupted, and a hole with light streaming, penetrating the darkness as the smoke cleared, I realized it could only be one thing, Leandro in his Combat No Frills Shopping Cart! The glint of the medal of the highly polished battle cart and it's impressive assortment of sanitary and deodorant weaponry, made it a terror for any scum or offensive scent.

"Let's blow this thing so we can go home!" He cried. I hurtled the Lysol and dove to the ground. KABOOM!! When I finally came to, Leandro, with his chin elevated, with his No Frills apron swaying in the wind, complete with old style WWI aviator goggles stood proudly overlooking the carnage. He shrugged and said, "Sorry I was late,..I thought it was the BK at Wellsley Station!" I smiled and walked through the rubble and said, "That was too close!" Then with Leandro not looking, I gave him a Atomic wedgey. "Next time, don't be late!" I bellowed as the "Fruit of the Looms" tag came over his head. "..Okay" Leandro said in a ultra sonic voice. "Let's go home." I said and we both returned to a heroes welcome complete with a burger shower complete with your choice of toppings.

And there was cause for much rejoicing.

So once again the forces of sanitation and cleanliness prevail, but the war is far from over.....

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