Things My Father Should Have Told Me As A Child

#Culture

Fri, Feb 18th, 2011 19:50 by David Dylan ARTICLE

You know the stories, songs, books and blog-posts that start with "My father took me aside one day and ..."? Well, the concept of 'fathers' was not a stable thing in my childhood. Mostly I had to make do with occasional, very occasional, letters and a phone call on my birthday. So I'm guessing that my fathers (biological, adoptive) didn't get much time for such asides. Besides, I was a pretty chatty kid, so they probably never got a word in edgewise.

Therefore, I learned all those 'man' things on my own. No, I'm not talking about sex. Yes, I pretty much learned that on my own too, but we all do, kinda. Unless your parents are the kind that sunny walls and blindfolds were invented for.

Here's what I learned. Use it only for good, kids.

  • Feminism is (to be) practised mostly by men. Think about it; it's men who make women feel like lesser humans. Luckily their numbers are dwindling. It's mostly women themselves, however, who (selectively, mostly) hold on to outdated role models. They may demand equal pay, but many will gleefully utter the words 'sorry, I'm blonde' when they ask the nearest person with a penis to 'fix' their computer. This is odd, since it is not our actual penis that we use to fix computers.
  • Pointing out the above is a sure-fire way to get castrated.
  • While men have, on the whole, learned to do the dishes and put up the toilet seat, a surprising number of them still think that bars and clubs are the rock of Gibraltar, and they all want the top spot. A liberated man will not play their game. While that may be the high road, ape-men perceive this as weakness, and some of them will pounce. A little bit of a benign chauvinistic attitude (gents, protect your lady) will keep a lot of less than benign chauvinistic attitude at bay.
  • The chances of getting in a fight in a bar increase exponentially with the perceived beauty of the woman you are with.
  • Any good looking woman will have a number of men circling like sharks, waiting for an opening to her heart, if they are honourable, and her bed if they are not. Women are, surprisingly, oblivious to this fact or they pretend to be. (Edit: as a friend pointed out: because if they don't, the sharks will see that as an opening, and be impossible to get rid of.) Men can be very persistent in this behaviour, amongst others because most of these circling sharks circle more than one swimmer at a time. She may think they like her for who she is, but I dare you to change your Facebook status to 'single' for a few days.
Fish
You mean they are only after my body?
  • Honourable men will be clear about their intentions. These are the codes:
    • "A cup of coffee" - You want to talk to her for a bit, see if you like her enough to date.
    • "A few drinks - no strings attached" - As "A cup of coffee" but more advanced stages. If "A cup of coffee" goes well, may be skipped.
    • "A few drinks" - A date. There can be no confusion, although in many women there still will be.
    • "Dinner and a movie" (Or anything equal in cost/effort) - A date, and if there's still any confusion her IQ has to be written in binary to go over three digits and you should walk away.
  • Now, things may get a bit confusing after the initial first meeting. But this is the golden rule: ANY informal meeting after "A cup of coffee" counts as a date. Any meeting after "A few drinks ? no strings attached" counts as a second date, even though neither of those on their own count as a "first date".
  • Also: ANY informal meeting where you pick up a tab that runs over $ 50,- counts as a date. If she does not want it to, a bright young lady will split the tab.
  • In these enlightened times, the woman may pick up the tab. So, this goes both ways.
  • The initiator of the date picks up the tab. No splitsies unless either one wants to send a very clear signal that the only open door leads to the "friend zone".
  • Edit: As a friend pointed out; this may betaken to mean that I think that any date that costs over x amount means the girl has to 'put out'. By no means do I think that. And if you do, skip the rest of this article and go straight to the last item.
  • No matter how clear you are about your intentions, women may still get confused about the above. This is hard on us men, because these same women will also not send any clear signals. I have, at one point, stated "Are we clear that I would consider this a date?" and afterwards still been told that she wasn't clear on my intentions.

Some other phrases I have tried and that have completely failed to register:

  • "I really like you."
  • "I want to get to know you better."

Both may be taken literally without any indication.

Women are not as roundabout as men. Women will gently steer you away from where you want to go, rather than be blunt about it. This often also has to do with them simply not grasping the fact that a nice guy may still be a suitor. They may think you just want to be friends, so they don't want to offend you.

Some key phrases that should put you on alert:

  • "I am shy." - You are going to be in the dark, completely and utterly up to the end, about your headway.
  • "Lets just see where it leads" - You will get nowhere, but getting there will be expensive.
  • "I'm just looking for that deeper connection, you know." - She's looking in all the wrong places, you are not in one of those places.

Women will gladly complain about men. Especially to other men. But consider this; if they have all these things to say about the "wrong type of guy" it means they have been in a relationship with one, probably more than one. It means they are habitual wrong-guy-daters and since you are not one, your chances are slim.

Wrong-guy-daters operate from a template in their head. One girl I knew explicitly stated, ad-nauseam, that she liked manly guys with long hair and a "rocker" appearance. In short: bartenders, construction workers and unemployed losers. Don't be offended if you happen to fit this mould, but the sad fact is that there are very few career opportunities for heavily tattooed, long haired, men in this world and pretty much none of them require much IQ.

Me, in the dotcom era, and yes, I made a bundle.
The dotcom era was an exception.

You don't fit the mould, so you have been friend-zoned from the get-go.

Wrong-guy-daters do not understand the concept of "Down dating". They will defend their date's intelligence even if it is so obviously his dump stat he might as well be wearing a sign "do not feed".

Trying to woo a wrong-guy-dater will set you up for pain. You will be the guy whose shoulder she cries on when she's been beaten, (date) raped, treated as shit or knocked up. You will not be the guy in her pants. That will be the guy she is crying about.

Beware of any woman opening up to you. It means they are letting their guard down, and while this may seem like a good thing, if it happens too soon it also means they think of you as a friend. Women do not date "friends" for the same reason men don't; "friends" is the stage beyond "potential date". Also; do you bear your heart to someone you want to impress? No, of course not. Your dark fears and secrets are reserved for someone you love, and who loves you back. Or close friends. You have just gained a friend, a good thing, but give up hopes of 'dating'.

Men and women lie in completely opposite directions about the kind of mate they want. Men are expected to howl and whistle at big tits and ass, women will claim to want a nice guy. Truth is, the ape-men get the girl because women are just as shallow as men.

  • If a woman tries to keep up with the guys drinking, take her home and say goodbye. Whatever she's trying to prove, you do not want to be part of it.
  • Having sex with a drunk woman always constitutes rape unless you are in a long-term committed relationship and you are equally drunk. Even then it is best not to. Consent is a thing that sorta requires sobriety.
  • Having sex with a drunk woman and taking advantage to "forget" a condom, commit acts you don't know she would otherwise allow, and so on, always constitutes rape.
  • Violence of any kind is a relationship-ender, right then and there.
  • Having sex with a woman while leading her to think you want something else out of the relationship than you actually do, is rape.

Do not brag about your ability in:

  • Any martial arts, handling firearms, brawling or any other activity which you may mistakenly think makes you look "hard". Nice guys may not get the girl. They may sit in the back of the room smiling. They may also know you are talking shit. You see; real martial artists, shooters, navy-seals, and so on have nothing to prove.
  • Your ability to hold your liquor. People may think you immature, a drunk or simply expect you to prove it. You'd also be surprised at how much more "cool" people think you are when you know your limit. Puking is, after all, never "cool". Girls also can't go home with you if you can't stand up.
LARPers
This, also, does not count.
  • Any woman who has to be carried home for more than two events in a row is a girl with issues. You are not her social worker, walk away.
  • If you are a martial artist, and this includes Systema and Krav Maga, be aware that you'd better be really, really, good (and you aren't, or you'd know this already) or you are still no match for a bunch of drunken bar-brawlers with a bar-stool aimed at the back of your head. The mat has rules, a barfight does not.
  • On that note; watching loads of YouTube video's does not constitute martial arts training.
  • If you are absolutely compelled to show off your moves, pick someone with some training as well. At the very least he might know how to get out of your drunkenly and sloppily executed hold without too much harm.
  • Any fight which involves sharp objects is a fight to get out of. No-one wins a knife-fight.
  • "Just fooling around" is never an excuse for violence towards your partner. It is abuse.
  • This one I got from my mother: When you hear yourself talking, shut up.
  • When you think "just one more won't hurt" it will. Time to order a coke.
  • Being well-versed in pop culture is good. Singing along to songs in a bar is not.
  • If a weaker party is involved, anything you see go down becomes your business. Just be clear on when to dial 911 and when to step in.
  • Bartenders (sorry for the dig before guys) don't want trouble in their bars. The nails and boards are never far away. Walking into a bar is the best way to get out of trouble fast. Trouble IN a bar should be handled by the staff, trust me, they are better at it than you.
  • Learn the tells that a woman is under-age. If in ANY doubt, call her a cab. Pay the cabbie upfront, get in a DIFFERENT one. A certain type of troubled girl WILL claim rape, even if all you did was drop her off home. Subtle ways to fish for age are; talking about college subjects, stuff she would know if she'd been to one, music (you'd be surprised at how little kids know about bands that to you are barely out of the charts), simple asking.
girl with party hat and fake moustache
Nice try, let's see some ID.
  • Never, ever, order "the strongest stuff you've got". Bartenders take a diabolical delight in giving such losers something so potent it would knock out an elephant. Besides, you won't seem "hard", you'll just be advertising the fact that you don't know your liquor by name.
  • I'm an amateur photographer. You'd be amazed at how many guys there are with a mid-range DSLR and Lightroom, who only seem to take pictures of young women. If any of your lady friends get involved with such a guy, warn her. I've NEVER seen it end well.
  • Carrying a casket is no fun. But if you have to, you do it. If a mate is in the hospital, you visit. If a mate is on a straight road towards either of the two, you block his way, slap him silly and deal with it.
  • The sort of friend who always seems to get into a fight is not a friend. He is relying on you to bail him out, which is really not a thing friends would do.
  • Wearing; a uniform, a sports outfit or a patch/badge of any kind had better be earned. People who have WILL test you on it.
  • This includes the recurring fad of dressing 'lower class'.
  • If a friend is talking to a girl, no matter whether he gets anywhere or not, you do not try your luck later. At best you will offend your friend, at worst it might be someone he genuinely likes.
  • Ho's, Sluts, Chicks, Chica's... any derogatory term will only make you seem like a douche.
  • In fact, breaking any of the rules above makes you a douche.
  • And you know what? We nice guys may not get the girl, but guess who it is they share all your sordid little secrets with when they cry on our shoulders?

By the way, you know who you are, good luck with that issue with your little guy, eh?

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