This is a recycled-multitasking email! "Recycled" because it comes from a mail I just sent a friend of mine in Indiana.
1 To tell you a story about one of the things that happened to me;
2 to submit to CoN; and
3 to verify that I am NOT like other people.
Before hopping on the bus, I had wished to meet at least one good freak just before I left. Well, keeping with "God laughs at me," I did.
Her name was Violet, 19 years old, drop dead gorgeous, and I met her in Paducha, KY of all places. She sat behind me as I was writing about how that town appeared to be a total waste of space and that the people seemed beaten, bored and desperate.
I look up for a moment and hear her say, "...and I just need to get to Mt. Vernon so that he can hold me and tell me it will all be okay..."
Aaaaah, how co-dependant of you. Anyway, she keeps talking to the guy behind me until he falls asleep and had left off on the topic of marriage. Being a Reverend I pick up the conversation of course. She changes seats. Now bear in mind that I have introduced myself as a Reverend -- as far as she is concerned I am Clergy.
We start talking about religion and truly I am delicate and respectful of her Catholic wedding desires while tactfully lying in as many slights to the churches I can without offending her. Basically, I am being a Reverend to her and thus am mainly consumed by a certain "forthright" demeanour -- y'know: in my `Reverendly? capacity I am far more tolerant and morally aware that when not.
She has given all her money to the church.
All of it. She is destitute. I think, "What a gullible fool you are," but say "Hmmm, 10% is all they really ask."
"The more you give to God, the more God gives to you."
"God doesn?t want your money and giving it to the church wont put in into the divine's hands."
All of a sudden she says that the clasp on her bra is "really annoying her." Usually people would just say "Oh."
I say, "Hmm. Is it one of those double hook types?"
"Oh no, there is one of those in the back."
"It has two?"
"Yeah, see?" and lo, she pulls up her shirt revealing a truly lovely pair of breasts covered by a rather thin bra.
"Ahh, yes. There it is. I see."
Remember me mentioning that sign that hovers over my head that says "young girls: fuck with this guy?" Apparently I left it on.
She tells me her favorite drink is "Hot Damn" and that when her and her fiance? fight they do it naked because it makes it difficult to really be mad. Logically, if I want to see her naked, all I have to do is get her angry. Hmmm. "Soooooo, you were mentioning a 'wedding'?"
She proceeds to tell me she is a virgin.
"Well, I have sucked a few cocks -- but never with a tongue barbell. It MUST feel different! Don?t you think?"
"I would guess it would."
"I?m really anxious to try it out!"
"...sooo, that 'wedding'?"
Apparently she is waiting till her and her beaux tie the knot to "do it" as it were.
I tell her that its really not such a grandiose thing that it should be too built up -- psychologically speaking -- but 'congrats' for having the willpower and resolve to follow through with a difficult ethic. She replies to this with:
"He wants to do it in a summer rain out in nature somewhere but I want to do it right there in the church when we become husband and wife."
"HaHaHa, that?s funny 'you may kiss the bride... er you can stop... OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!'"
She takes the joke a step further and fakes an orgasm for me....
"Ahhaha... ANYWAY back to that 'wedding'..."
I could go on, but my hands feel all sweaty typing it out. I mean, man, I was really fucking trying to maintain ethics here. I was being religious and all. Which, I think, was the crux of the matter -- but I'll come back to that.
Time and conversation pass. Just before I doze off I tell her that she shouldn?t feel disturbed about leaning on my shoulder if she needs to -- it won?t bother me.
My hands are cradled in my lap and her head is in them. Were they not there she would be basically pressed into my crotch. I come out of sleep noticing this and am immediate aroused -- like I said she is truly lovely -- which of course has the corresponding physical effect -- if you catch my drift. She apparently is not asleep as she starts stretching her lips out to touch it and rubbing her head in small circles slowly.
So there I am: half asleep with a beautiful 19 year old virgin who seems really set on giving me head, pinning my arms into my lap. All I can think is that the guy she is going to marry is one unlucky bastard if he deeply loves this woman and that if I let this happen I will be an asshole of the highest office.
God damn it (ahem), I?m a Reverend, lady!
I feign sleep but while doing so realize the grotesque joke of the whole situation all at once and suddenly bust out laughing and have to cover it up as a cough. Seriously, when was the last time you heard someone complain about a 19-year-old wanting to blow them? Yeah, same here, and this made me feel really fucking surreal for the next hour until we stopped and I got her head out of my lap. Even weirder: her head in my lap was like a manacle. Seriously. I was so paralysed by want juxtaposed with revulsion that she effectively had me bound and gagged simply by doing that. Amazing.
In retrospect I think that it was the fact that I am a Reverend that made all that happen in the first place. The challenge of seducing a Holy man, the taboo of it. Hells Belles: "Hot Damn" for godsake! What she didn?t know was that I am a Gnostic Reverend and thus not your garden variety repressed boy-hungry Christian type.
Were it not for the other guy, she would've never stopped talking about it (even when basically saying "fuck me"), and I would have a far more pleasant story about the experience.
She got off in Springfield and I rode on -- tempted but resistant. It is like the universe was saying "HAHA -- you and your 'ethics'!! SQUIRM ? I command it! HAHAHAHA! Dork."
Well, I'd really have it no other way... sigh.
|If You're Reading This, Jesus Did Not Destroy the Earth -- So Now What?|
|Living a Year Biblically|
|Templeton Prize is Bad News for Religion|
|Muslim groups apologize for violence|
|Pope Benedict XVI Joins Twitter, Has Yet to Tweet Though|
|3D Printed $10,000 House|
|“Facebook played a 'determining role' in stirring up hatred against Rohingya Muslims.”|
|“The Pentagon’s relatively quiet tip-toe into converting the U.S. Armed Forces to a machine-majority force.”|
|Future Horizon's Plasma Lightsabers|
|Japanese Robot Serves Ice Cream From Inside a Vending Machine|
|CaptchaTweet: Write Tweets in Captcha Form|
|“New green policies so hard-hitting and extensive they can be felt across the world.”|
|“Clearly, no one is going to build weapons that have sufficient general intelligence to, for example, decide and execute a plan to take over the world.”|
|“Contains all the same components as cow’s milk, [...] but doesn’t use any animals in its production process.”|
|The (Very Scary) People of Public Transit|
|“Traditional path to economic growth may close to all but a handful of developing countries.”|
|“I am a philosopher, and we tend to deal more with nightmares.”|