Rolo 1:1

#Workplace

Mon, Jun 4th, 2001 02:00 by Rolo ARTICLE

I love my job. Well let me rephrase that. Um... I like my job.

Okay fine... I don't mind my job. What I admire most about it, is that my job itself and the environment that I work in, is truly satirical. No, It's almost to the point in which I feel as though I'm in a Dilbert cartoon. As I reflect back on a conversation I had with Leandro, I never use to understand Dilbert cartoons, I sometimes found them funny. But now Dilbert simply isn't funny. Simply because its true. Films like Fight Club and Office Space were hilarious and filled me with a sense of happiness. Dreams that I never would have to endure the crap that happened in those movies. Now I look back in bitter horror. The horror of truth. (Cue Heart of Darkness).

Let me explain. I work for a rather large and well endowed architectural firm. My official title is Office Services Clerk. In layman terms I am quite proverbially known as the "Office Bitch." If you have a pile of dirt you need moved, I move it. If it needs to be moved back to the original spot, I move it.

I photocopy, fax, and do anything accept bend over and grab my ankles. At least, in the literal sense. In the proverbial sense, it is a whole other story. And, like all major corporations, my work is plagued with the bureaucratic idiocy known as Corporate Red tape. Bullshit, if you will.

My job "specification" is that I do everything menial in the office. The true horror of my job lies in the fact that I can draw direct parallels from the movies and cartoons of corporate satire. Let me introduce our cast of characters.

We have the old bitch, whom I can only describe to you as the Royal Ontario Museum dinosaur, wrapped in ceran wrap, and Ronald McDonald blonde hair. A truly scary old hag. She is the old one who is too old to work but knows to many of the companies secrets (thanks to the fact that she just can't mind her own business) and hence can never be fired. She still uses software programs created in 1985.

Then we have the chauvinistic co-worker bastard, who can pretty much say anything and get away with it. Suffice to say he is the nicest bastard, if there ever was one.

We have the sub-boss who will make sure you hear every reprimand at least three times, this includes through fax, e-mail and memo. She's to busy talking and saying yes to everyone to wonder if she has a brain. The best part is she's equipped with the false memory function v1.1, which allows her to reprimand you for forgetting directives she never initially told you.

The coolest addition is the co-worker that farts none stop. Thankfully his office is fully enclosed. Ah but that's okay. Sure he's smelly, but he's an okay guy.

Ah yes and we can't forget the brain dead Office Receptionist. Raised in a German laboratory by under funded scientists, she has no multitasking capabilities and often talks to herself. She has no manners, and cannot simply give you a direct answer. Much of the time I find it best to ignore her after five seconds of conversation. I can walk away and she will still be rambling to my back at twenty paces. Ah, if only I owned a polished duelling pistol. It wouldn't be so hard to hit that fat head of hers. It wouldn't be so bad if she didn't talk to me then cut me off with a "tzzz" and raised index finger as soon as something else came up. If you listen closely I think that "tzz" is the single free floating neuron in her head firing.

Work makes the saying "too many chiefs and not enough Indians" come to a whole new level of clarity to me. Unfortunately, that hapless Indian is me and my co-worker. They won't even let us play with axes or bows either. Which brings me to my sub-issue. Why old people should be forced to stop working after a certain age. Why the fuck are old people allowed to work? It's almost as bad as letting them drive! Its fine if you're competent and can prove it.

But I think they should institute the OFCP test. The Old Fucking Competent Person Test proves that without a doubt that you can still contribute to the company and society as a whole. If at any point should the test detect that the testee is a old crotchy bitch/bastard who can't get with the times and is therefore useless, they are automatically given the smackdown. But then again, in some sick sadistic way I think I can say I enjoy work. At least I can say its fun to be in a surreal comic strip. Dilbert you don't know the half of it. At very least the pay is enjoyable and some co-workers are a blast. It helps to be eccentric, it numbs the pain. You could say that at least I'm a modestly paid bitch. I say again, I like my job, how else would I have managed to think of this drivel while at work?

How to look busy at work: (And how to (more than likely), not get caught)

1) Look Busy: Always have multiple windows open on your desktop, if you don't have a computer make sure your desk or work space has several important looking documents or schematics laid out in a disorderly fashion. This is a fine art as you want it look like you're looking through many things and cross referencing, not just making a mess. If you are in the service industry either start cleaning, or make an important phone call, so much so that you're distracted and cannot acknowledge the presence of your supervisor.

2) Reading Material: Flip through an office book several times at high speed to make it look like your trying to find something, DO not look at the index, (Even though you know you can easily find it) Only resort to looking at the Index when you are under observation.

3) Minimize & Camouflage: Always have the windows your not suppose to have open (ie. Web Browser with the latest PS2 game reviews, or latest issue of CoN) extremely minimized. So much so that they are small and hard to read, for people looking over your shoulder if they are smaller they are less noticeable when closed. It also helps to make sure your desktop is of bland neutral colours, and have the font colour similar to the background. In addition turn down your monitor to the right height and make sure the brightness is turned low. It makes things less appealing to passers by, and will give you precious seconds to CALMLY close the windows you shouldn't have open.

4) Don't Panic: When your supervisor walks by, or comes to ask you something DO NOT quickly hide what you are doing or close the window on your browser. This draws attention. Like in nature, prey avoid detection by predators if they remain still and calm. It helps to have a repertoire with your boss or know the right discussion topics with them, hence you can draw their attention away from your monitor to you by asking them how THEY are. Once they start talking about themselves they will more than likely keep focused on you and not to what is your screen.

5) Smokescreen: Always make sure that the superfluous window is the maximized on your desktop. This "smoke screen" will, at first glance draw your supervisors attention to it and perhaps give you time to close the other windows.Its best to have some office documents, or previous projects up. Be creative.

6) Put everything on computer: You can always say that it will increase file sharing and productivity when you put things on computer. Not only that it's also a tremendous time waster. Such things as Inventory, Contacts, or even Photocopier reading would be great on Word Processor or a Spreadsheet.

7) Learn: What?! You don't know how to use those programs on your computer? Well since you have time to kill might as well learn it! Just remember to save telling your boss that you have learned a new program. It makes you look better when review time comes, and you can always state that you're improving your value to the company by learning more programs. Nothing beats dicking around on the computer. If all else fails that new spreadsheet "MyDogsMeasurements.xls" serves as a perfect smoke screen for you passing boss. Plus it shows them you have initiative and want to make yourself more useful. Mention this only as a last resort.

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