Shite, Shite, Shite!!! Psuedo Reviews

#Film

Mon, Jul 24th, 2000 03:00 by Jeff Wright ARTICLE

Hey-now. This issue's gonna wade through a lot of shit, so if you don't want to wade along with me, go out and rent SWEET AND LOWDOWN. I'm gonna talk about it further into my ramblings, but there's a lot of "Don't go in there" type stuff I've got to get out of the way first.

Piece of shit number one:

TEACHING MRS. TINGLE

Now, I know this was my own fault. When I rented this, I knew it was going to be bad. I was even embarassed to rent it. However, I knew that I would eventually have to see it (Yes, it's a Katie Holmes thing, I can't help it), so I figured "I'll get it out of the way, and never have to see it again".

Had I known exactly how bad this movie was, I would've felt less embarassed to rent a stack of porn. Kevin Williamson should never direct another thing. For some reason beyond me, he IS directing again. But it's a Sandra Bullock movie, so not many people will see it anyways (Yes, I'm aware that her movies do make decent money. I was just making a joke. Loosen up). Williamson has been successful at writing such films as SCREAM, and THE FACULTY. I just assumed that that's what he wanted to do, and after seeing this; his directorial debut, I hoped that he would keep at it, and leave the directing to people who knew what they were doing (Not that the script isn't shit). And lets face it people; directing ain't that difficult a job. Williamson however, wanted to be a director, not a writer. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!? All of TEACHING MRS. TINGLE is shot with the same fucking lense!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's just unacceptable. And let me tell ya. If you were for some reason (I don't know what it would be, but lets just say there's a reason) going to shoot the entire thing with one lense, it sure as hell wouldn't be as long as it was. The lense choice worked for a whole ONE sequence. I'm sure that was a mistake though.

I could go on and on about how horrible this movie is, but I don't have the energy. I'd like to say however that it should be shown in film school, as an example of what not to do when making a movie. It's a cinematic blood shit.

Piece of shit number 2:

THE PERFECT STORM

MOVIE BAD! HURT HEAD! SOOOOOOO POINTLESS AND BORING!!!!!!

WE FISH. ICE MACHINE BREAK. MUST GO HOME FAST, SO FISH NOT SPOIL. FISH EQUAL MONEY. BUT STORM IS PERFECT. COULD KILL US ALL. BUT... MONEY. FISH. MONEY. MONEY MORE IMPORTANT THAN LIFE. GO INTO STORM THAT IS PERFECT. STORM THAT IS PERFECT KILL EVERYONE. BOO HOO. SO SAD. GONNA CRY.

Piece of shit number 3:

X-MEN

Leo got a pass to an advanced screening tonight (Wednesday), so we went. I was really excited about the movie. I was a big fan of the X-Men cartoon, and I've read a few of the comics. Brian Singer was directing, so that was a good thing. Hell; I even treked through a whole bunch of snow in order to go see them filming the damn thing, one day.

After that day of shooting, I was pretty excited about it. It looked pretty damn cool, and like they were on the right track. They weren't.

All I can say is that the script is where the troubles started. Then it just snowballed from there. The movie is a giant mess. Unlike most movies, that could be saved by some editing; X-MEN would need to start over from scratch.

I'm not saying that there aren't a few enjoyable moments; there are. But I just wasn't impressed by the movie. It was a giant disappointment.

Finally, a good film:

SWEET AND LOWDOWN

Woody Allen is back up to form. After I saw SWEET AND LOWDOWN, I was torn. Which was my favourite Woody Allen flic? Was is SWEET AND LOWDOWN? Or was it still HANNAH AND HER SISTERS? Hum. Hah. Hum. Hah. I think it's SWEET AND LOWDOWN. It's just that damn good.

What's it about? It's about Emmett Ray. The world's 2nd best guitar player (Though if you're like me, by the end of the film, you'll say he's the best). His music, his women, his emotions. Sean Penn plays Emmett, and gives one of his best performances ever. Of the people nominated for Best Actor last year at the Oscars, it's a disgrace that Penn didn't win. It's also a disgrace that Samantha Morton, who plays Emmett's mute washergirl, love interest, didn't win Best Supporting Actress.

I don't want to say anymore, in fear of ruining something. Please rent this movie, and see how damn good Woody Allen can be. When the man is doing good work, he's one of, if not the funniest man we've got on this here planet Earth.

Good night everyone. Sleep, or fuck well.

  643

 

You may also be interested in:

Blah-biddy, Blah, Blah
Movie Recomendations
Slacker Uprising
Movie Barcode
Rambo: The Greatest Deleted Scene Ever