Keeping up with CoN's tradition, this issue is late as well. There have been a few changes in life, such as a new job, fighting with the bank to get new cheques (took them one month and a half, charged me twice, and then to discover they weren't actually made yet), getting my new place and the new CoN redesign we're all working on (albeit I've done diddly squat other than bitch, but I'll take the credit put in by Colin and Gard). With the new redesign, not only will the webpages look more appealing, but there will actually be information, generated dynamically by Gard's database program, and include many more sections for your reading pleasure. Until then, you are stuck reading some October issue.
After Jeff's article about Scream 3, we were all hoping for some hate mail from the last issue of CoN, but nooo. No, not our readership. We have to pry words out of them with a pair of rusted pliers. Well, you know what? You all suck. I mean, come'on, I thrive on hateful mail to make my editorials more fun, and you guys just sit there quietly and read the issues and have nothing to complain about? This is a nightmare. How good of a magazine can we possibly be without any resentful letters from our readership? Can you possibly all be happy with our silly drivel? I digress...
Today on my way home this rather attractive girl kept turning around and staring at me. I went for the zipper thinking it was down, or that a massive booger had leaped out of my nose. "Hi" she says and I'm thinking "Okay, what's up with this? She's a drop-dead gorgeous girl saying 'hi' so she probably wants a cigarette or give me something like a set of speakers or religion."
Seriously, if you think about it, in our North American society, who stops to talk to you? If it's not the odd American tourist that is lost and looking for directions (the CN Tower? Why, it's the tallest, biggest thing in Toronto, lumbering high above any sky-scraper in this city, visible well before you even enter the Metro Toronto area city-limits and you can't fucking see it?), it's some guy driving around with a suspicious look in his face and with that typical offer "hey, bud, wanna buy a pair of really good speakers?" (I must have the face of someone who really wants good speakers, cuz, this happens quite often). Alternatively it's just some nut case or someone spreading their religion (they fall under the same category, if you ask me).
Nobody else will talk to you. They will do their best to ignore the fact that they are sitting in a crowded metro car. Everyone is looking outside (yeah, the dark, poorly lit tunnels sure make for a good view), reading a book, or staring at the shoes of someone else. No wonder advertising in the metro is so successful. It gives someone with no book who is tired of staring at shoes, something to read.
The only people that do not fall in this category are Quebecers (the closest thing we have to Europeans here). Sure, they are weird, eat poutine and think they speak French, but one thing's for sure: you walk down Montreal's main street and half an hour later you have 3 new friends.
But back to our heavenly creature:
"Hello" says I "what do you offer? Religion? Drugs? You want a cigarette?"
"Uh, sorry? Why do you say that?"
"Well, usually people here ignore each other as if the other person did not exist, so when someone says 'hi' to a complete stranger, I can only expect that you want something from me. Is it religion? I don't see a name tag, so you are not from the Church of Latterday Saints of Jesus Christ. What are you? Jehovah? I see no book. I give up."
"I'm from [something I can't remember now] and I was wondering... uh... if I could invite you to join one of our sermons at our church".
She looked a little uneasy. Either she was expecting me to tell her to fuck off 0.2 seconds after she had opened her mouth, or for me to be some religiously active person who would've gone apeshit after her ass (in a religious manner, of course).
"Thanks, but no thanks. What is it with you people that constantly have to stop strangers and ask them this annoying shit? If it's not you, it's those pretty boys with the tags. If it ain't them, it's the Jehovahs and their end of the world story. Seriously, stop trying to save the world. Go away."
"You are very bitter. Religion would help you heal..."
Of course, no matter what you do, religion, Jesus, the discipiles and Ponzio Pilatus are all involved.
"Sorry. Not interested in becoming a mindless drooling idiot. I rub the Bible between my legs everyday to get to know Christ better," and I stormed off.
Last glance I threw at her she was still standing there with a shocked look.
May Adam Trasher forgive me for stealing his rubbing-the-Bible line, but my mind was blank for originality.
Maybe next time this happens, I'll use some of the lines Jason seems to create out of thin air:
"Listen, your faith is using you as a prostitute, hoping your attractiveness will make men listen to you. If you're going to be a whore, at least make sure you keep the bulk of your profits, not your church. By the way, that's a lovely sweater."
"Have you accepted Jesus as your personal savior?"
"Never heard of him."
Or, "Yes I know. I'm Jesus. I just dropped by to let you know you're doing a swell job. Keep up the good work! By the way, that's a nice sweater."
Enjoy this belated issue you all-too-happy and never-upset readership from hell.
IN LACK OF STAMINA, I'LL STICK TO CHOCOLATE:
i was thrilled to read about "Luke De Sade"'s endurance...2 hours and still didn't come....but too bad he's grossed out so easily by our girl-juice.
he sounded like fun for a bit (yeah i know he's too young for me, i'll relax now)
|How to Make the Telly More Boring|
|The Creationism-Friendly Zoo|
|The Return of Christian Terrorism|
|The Giant Clock of Makkah|
|Proof God Exists: Tacky Jesus Statue Destroyed by Lightning|
|“This incredible inconsistency can make English really hard to master for non-native speakers.”|
|How to Avoid Jury Duty|
|“That’s why Colorado School of Mines decided it was time for students to learn how to tap celestial bodies for all they’re worth.”|
|Review of BenQ's treVolo S Portable Electrostatic Bluetooth Speaker|
|Japanese Robot Serves Ice Cream From Inside a Vending Machine|
|On Instagram, Everyone Takes the Exact Same Photos|
|“Lifting the electric motors out of Teslas and putting them in the chassis of other, formerly gas guzzling cars.”|
|“What can we do to make responsible use of plastic a reality? First: reject the lie.”|
|“What if there was a thermostat that allowed you to turn down the temperature of the Earth whenever you wanted.”|
|Why, Typewriters Are Alive and Well, Thank you|
|“Rejuvenation is Finally an Industry.”|
|Go the Fuck to Sleep: A Children's Bedtime Book|