Pickles and ice cream: The Daily Journal of a Pregnasaurus

#Film

Mon, Sep 27th, 1999 01:00 by Tess Toth ARTICLE

My day usually begins by trying to get my mammoth butt out of bed.After rolling from left to right, I finally get enough momentum andflop onto the floor. And when I finally manage to stand on my feet,Nature calls and I make a straight dash for the john. Yes, I ampregnant, and I'm here to share the joys of it all... heh heh...

"Pregnasaurus: (n) a woman whose stomach reaches massive proportions,and becomes aggravated easily and attacks at the first mention of"Dinner's On!" (name given by my friend Shannon)

I have been watching this show called "A Baby Story" for a few months,and it makes me gag every time. They portray a cutesy family where thewoman is just "glowing", with the father saying "Oh, even though itwasn't expected, I am just SO happy about it!!"...bleech...and whenshe goes into labour she says "Oh! There's a contraction! Howwonderful! I'm just so happy that the baby is coming outtoday!"...well, I am not thrilled about the baby coming out, and I'msure as all hell that I'm not going to giggle when I feel my firstcontraction....I feel sorry for my hubby...because if he's going to bein the delivery room with me, it won't be his HAND I will be squishingbetween my tightened fingers! When are they going to show the womanswearing at the top of her lungs saying "You bastard!! If you evercome near me again with sex on your mind, I will tear off yourtesticles with my teeth and wear them as earrings!!"...Now that wouldbe entertaining...>:) Do I hear all the men's anuses tightening?! hehheh heh...

Now now, don't get me wrong.... I love my hubby :), but with everyonetelling me of the excrutiating events that are going to happen to me,I will probably swear left and right and yell out to the world that Iwill never have sex again...but maybe not, who knows. I have no ideahow I will feel, but with all my friends and family telling me howthey or their family members felt, I feel like if I don't try andthreaten my hubby with each contraction, then I am somehow "inhuman".

I will be thankful when my stupid hormones finally give me somepeace!! It's bad enough I'm a bitch with the whole damned PMS thing*don't worry guys, I'm not going into that...*, but now I feel like Ihave PMS all the time! For example...I am usually not a very emotionalperson (it takes a lot for me to cry), but one day I was watching thiscommercial where there was a Grandfather and Grandson eatingbreakfast, I think it was oatmeal? whatever... and the Grandfather hadcerebral palasy and couldn't hold his spoon, so the Grandson said"Here Grandpa, I'll help you" or something to that affect. Now usuallyI would be laughing my ass off because he couldn't put the spoon tohis mouth (I can be cruel, I don't deny it), but here I was, sobbing,saying outloud "That is so precious! What a beautiful moment! *bawl*"..... I didn't stop crying for about an hour.... man! Is that patheticor what?! I don't care if it's "common" to have uncontrollable moodswings, I hate 'em, I HATE 'EM!!

.....*loud rumble in the lower region*.....time to raid thefridge....where are those damned blasted pickles?! I can't have icecream without pickles, do you HEAR ME?! *sigh*...only 4 months togo....

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