Depression, it's so serious.
Damnit, it's just not funny for breakfast anymore
I should know. I suffer from the rather annoying problem of having a natural facial expression that looks depressed. You know... there's some people that have a naturally worried look when they're just bopping along minding their own business, not thinking of anything in particular. There's some who walk like they're mad and stomp everywhere but they're okay, it's just what they do naturally. And there's Pamela Anderson who looks like a couple of hockey-rink-issued air-horns exploded in her lungs but she's a freak of pop culture that gets fondled on South American beaches and there's nothing natural about her or that at all. Well, personally I just naturally tend to look depressed when I'm just thinking to myself though I like to think I'm as far from it as most humans get.
But every once in awhile I find myself lost in a thought of some kind and some UNkind soul will jostle me back to this section of the galaxy with a grin that can only be described as "Teletubby". The following conversation will then quickly ensue:
Smiler: "Hey, cheer up! Don't look so sad!"
Me: "Huh? What I wasn't sad? I was just thinking of something."
Smiler: "Well, don't think such unhappy thoughts!"
Me: "No, I was just thinking about something I wanted to do that's all, I tend to..."
Smiler (cutting in): "Well, lighten up! It'll get done okay! Don't worry!"
Me: "I wasn't sad or worried, I was just thinking..."
Smiler (cutting in again): "Well, then stop thinking so much, silly!"
Oh, TV what have you taught us?
(BTW: Doesn't that lady in the Dempster's bread commercial look like a creepy version of Margaret Atwood enjoying a loaf of bread just WAY too much? This was not the kind of Freudian imagery my mind requires, thank you!)
What I have to look forward to in life, of course, is every issue of CoN in my e-mail box like the prize from a box of cereal being Purolatored to my front door. So, of course, I can be thankful that in an issue on depression most people won't be too serious about depression. So without further ado and with the sound of Paul Simon's "Still Crazy After All These Years" playing like cheap supermarket muzak in the back of your head, I would like to present my little contrib to this ish here:
The Top 10 Reasons to Look Forward to Depression!
(Canadian inside joke here.)
And the reason #1 with a bullet is...
"Lay around naked, watch TV, eat corn-chips, and masturbate."
Thank you and g'nite!
|When things are going just too well|
|Loneliness is Not an Old Friend|
|Happiness: Not So Great a Pursuit|
|Excessive Internet Use Leads To Depression|
|Excessive Internet Use Can Lead Teens to Depression, Withdrawal|
|“Astronomers have sent a radio message to a neighbouring star system.”|
|“The homemade airplane does indeed fly!”|
|“A fraudster poses as an attractive woman and encourages a man to masturbate in front of a webcam.”|
|“Semis, not personal cars, are the smartest use of autonomous technology.”|
|CaptchaTweet: Write Tweets in Captcha Form|
|Japanese Robot Serves Ice Cream From Inside a Vending Machine|
|How to Avoid Jury Duty|
|Google Map Shows You the Most Photographed Areas of the World|
|“Facebook has contributed to, and profited from, the erosion of democratic norms in the United States.”|
|“The education industry as a whole is a con.”|
|Short Story of Similar Objects|
|“The way we produce energy today is deadly.”|