Prince of Egypt

#Film

Tue, Jan 26th, 1999 06:00 by Jester ARTICLE

So the movie starts. I think. It's hard to say at this point in time, as I think the movie started twice halfway, but maybe it's just me who got confused. Or was that Moses' dream? Isn't it amazing though? I mean, these guys didn't need the horoscope on the paper to figure out their day. They just passed out in some room that had some significance and BOOM, there lies the truth. I wonder why I keep dreaming of naked Chipmunks.

Yeah, and at one point the artwork attacked Moses. After awhile, it began attacking me and Leandro. But after we threatened them with movie nachos, they ran away.The President of the American Dental Association gave the artwork a stern talking to, and then advised us both to invest in oil stocks. Then he grew wings and flew away. If I had any money, I would have taken his advice. Now that I think about it, it's quite weird that he flew away? I mean, he would have had to use the theatre doors anyway, so why didn't he just walk?

I guess the movie was trying to find it's last grip on the kids in the theatre. Cute looking camels, anally sodomized goats and the rest, it all looked as if it was some loveable cuddlable child movie. But there were no kids anywhere to be seen (I didn't hear anyone cry) and the rest of us were sitting there, with a look on our faces that spelled "I am not doing that stuff again". No. I think that was before that. I think I thought "I can't believe it I spent .. shit, how much did I spend? I don't remember. Well, half of usual than I would spend, since today is Poverty Tuesday."

It is astonishing to see how Moses realizes he's not Egyptian. One look in the mirror could've done it for me. But apparentely, no matter how much curly hair he has on his face, how little he resembles his parents, or perhaps even the fact that he is the only kid not wearing any make up or with the typical Egyptian style hair-do, it takes some vagabond strange woman on the street to point it out to him. Talk about brilliance.

I remember quite clearly that Jeff Goldblum was in this movie, but didn't get eaten by a velicoraptor. I consider this to be a failing of the movie. In fact, I think all movies that don't show Jeff Goldblum getting eaten by dinosaurs have failings.

The Powers of God are shown through this entire movie. Some girl dressed in blue, with a look in her eyes that could mean trouble for anyone's happy sacks, quickly appears and disappears in the movie, though nobody is sure why she's there. Everyone is laughing. My head is hardly able to keep track of the frames. I knew though that the girl would hold some significant part in Moses' life, but it occurred to me only later, when the movie was over. Somehow though, they think it's good to abuse a girl and attempt to have sex with her, as it will ensure you, later on in life, a cool bath and of course, sex.

Special mention must go to the songs. The Pharaoh's advisers do a song called "You're Playing With the Big Boys Now" in celebration of the Egyptian Gods. Exorcist star Linda Blair tap-dances to "Lullaby of Broadway." At one point, lots of children begin singing in Hebrew. A goat begins reciting the opening act of Richard the Third while a man slaps himself with a sea bass. I may have imagined some of this, but I can't remember which parts.

The Pharaoh had three advisers, with the voices of Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Edward Melnish. It is strange they were able to do this, because I just made that last name up.

"So" he says "you are like, you know, God?" and the burning bush--or something--starts having a major fit over Moses. Jesus Christ, relax! Okay, so you are God, but don't you think someone would be a little sceptical if a burning bush started talking to them and making wave effects on the sand? I would. Then again, I'd probably think I'm making it up, like, I am not really here watching this.

At one point Leandro melted into the screen. Exodus, Chapter 3, verse 6-10, I think.

"BEHOLD...the power of God..."

Moses raises the staff while the crowd watches in mystified silence. Suddenly, Moses slams a clip in the staff, and starts gunning everybody down.

And then they parted the Red Sea. Big deal. I did that on my way over here. Twice. And I didn't even have a staff. Honest.

They took a few liberties with the story. I don't recall the bible making any mention of the Teletubbies.

When the movie ended, the penguin told us to (I did mention the penguin before, didn't I) watch our step as we left the theatre. Apparently they had a problem with people accidentally walking up the walls. The penguin said he hated that, because it was a real bitch cleaning the footprints off the ceiling.

Editor's Note: Capital of Nasty does not endorse the sale, purchase or consumption of narcotics while your parents and the police are watching.

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