God, Religion & All That Crap

#Religion

Thu, Dec 31st, 1998 03:00 by IMPROV ARTICLE

What a perfect time of the year for this subject... my regular readers (if there are any) may recall that last year at about this time CoN published an article of mine entitled "Happy Non Denominational Holiday's", in which I commented on the subject of those of the Jewish faith who enjoy financial gains thanks to the Christian holidays. I received many an irate letter concerning my "anti Semitic" views. So just to prove that I'm not a bigot and that I hate ALL people equally, here is my knock on the Christian faith.

I actually attempted to become a practicing Catholic at one very dark point of my life... Please notice the use of "attempted"... Perhaps it was the particular church I was attending, though. This particular parish was (and still is) presided over by the most anal priest I have ever met. (Notice I'm being good and not making any altar boy jokes?) I mean this man's homilies sounded not just as if he was talking down to the congregation, but to God himself! This man was so condescending and arrogant, I'm pretty sure that he thought his unleavened bread didn't stink.

Mind you, I could be wrong about him, maybe he has every right to act this way. Maybe he's the greatest theologist in the world, no one really knows though, because know one in his congregation understands a damn word has says. I'm sure he's very intelligent, smarter than I'll ever be...but he doesn't have to make it so apparent by using fourteen syllable words that I know the eighty year old lady in the second pew has never even heard.

As for the people who attend church... hmmm... lets see here... I see a number... and, and a word... ah, yes.......... 95% hypocrites!!! Why go to church on Sunday to ask the Good Lord for forgiveness for all the "bad things" you did during the week, just to turn around the next week and forget what happened at church? Now mind you if you went to the church I went to it's not really a matter of forgetting, because, after all, you can't really learn what you never understood:

" ...then once the firmament was congealed, Yahweh gazed upon the vapours and resolved upon the beseechment of his hegemony that, indeed, there was inconsiderable delectation consequent to his accomplishments... ah blah blah... ah blah blah..."

As for Catholicism itself... I guess my biggest beef is with the act of confession. How in the hell does me telling some guy in a booth my sins gonna absolve me in the eyes of God? I mean, does this guy have a direct line to the big man himself? Does he call up to heaven and ask how much penance should be given? How can a (so called) celibate priest relate to my teenage confession that I copped a feel at the movies with Judy Anne?

"Uh...forgive me Father for I have sinned... it has been four months since my last confession... uh... in that time I have touched myself in an impure manner on several occasions..."

"That's okay my son... SO HAVE I!!!"

So if I don't say those three Hail Mary's...does my record not get wiped clean? What if I DON"T think it was a sin to grab Judy Ann's booby? What then, huh? What if I know it was a sin...did it anyway and now I'm asking for forgiveness? Better yet, what if I knew it was a sin... did it anyway... went to confession to ask for forgiveness... and went out and did it AGAIN anyway? What then? What does that make me? Oh yeah... I forgot... a practicing Catholic.

MERRY FREAKIN' CHRISTMAS

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