LA, California -- Mattel announces their new line of Barbie products, the "Hacker Barbie." These new dolls will be released next month. The aim of these dolls is to negate the stereotype that women are numerophobic, computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.
This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie's very own X-terminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA's "In a Nutshell" series. The Barbie clothing includes a dirty button-up shirt and a pair of well-worn jeans. Accessories include a Casio all-purpose watch, and glasses with lenses thick enough to set ants on fire. (Pocket protectors and HP calculators optional.)
The new Barbie has the incredible ability to stare at the screen without blinking her eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 16 hours straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms such as "What's your Internet address?", "I like TCP/IP!", "Bummer! Your kernel must have gotten trashed," "Can't you grep that file?", and "DEC's Alpha AXP is awesome!"
"We are very excited about this product," said Ken Olsen, Marketing Executive, "and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage incurred by the mathophobic Barbie." (A year ago, Mattel released Barbie dolls that say, "Math is hard," with a condescending companion Ken.) The Hacker Barbie's Ken is an incompetent management consultant who frequently asks Barbie for help.
The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of Barbie dolls. Naomi Falodji says, "I believe that these new dolls will finally terminate the notion that womyn are inherently inferior when it comes to mathematics and the sciences. However, I feel that Ken's hierarchical superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy and oppress the masses." Mattel made no comment.
Parents, however, are worried that they will fall behind the children technologically when the Hacker Barbie comes out. "My daughter Jenny plays with the prototype Hacker Barbie for two days," says Mrs. Mary Carlson of rural Oxford, Mississippi, "and now she pays my credit card bill online. Got no idea how she does it, but she surely does it. I just don't wanna be looked upon as some dumb mama." Mattel will be offering free training courses for those who purchase the Hacker Barbie.
The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to deal with the complex aspects of Barbie. "Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail" will teach computer ethics to youngsters, while "BARBIE RITES L1KE BIFF!!!" will serve as an introduction to expository writing.
|Toronto Transit Commission Has Advertising Standards|
|Dollar Shave Club to Launch Butt Wipes for Men|
|Rube Goldberg Device Plays Bach|
|Behind the Shady World of Marketing Junk Food to Children|
|“We lost the battle of the internet, we're in mitigation mode.”|
|“A low flyover of Jupiter's moon Europa.”|
|“A sophisticated global marketing strategy from an industry that is desperate to attract new smokers.”|
|U.S.S. Enterprise Owner's Manual|
|CaptchaTweet: Write Tweets in Captcha Form|
|How to Avoid Jury Duty|
|The (Very Scary) People of Public Transit|
|Recycled Vacuum Lamps|
|iPhone 6, the First Smartphone to Disrupt NSA's Spying|
|“The Amazon Dash button for horny men and women who don’t feel comfortable telling their partner they’d like to have sex.”|
|“If you’re dating, you’re going to be let down. You’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea.”|
|“When Life Gives You Lemons.”|
|“How this religious holiday became the rampant, love-fuelled corp-fest.”|