Just One Brain Cell is All We Ask

#Television

Tue, May 12th, 1998 02:00 by G. Summer M. Scarbough ARTICLE

Maybe I am un-American. Maybe I really just want to shoot the television. (I prefer the latter choice.) For some odd reason (I guess the same reason Jerry Springer puts fights on tv: ratings), the American public seems obsessed with stupid television shows.

Granted, television isn't the utopian form of enlightenment or entertainment for that matter, but I at least, thought once in a while a show would come on the air which stimulates at least ONE brain cell.

So, as I was sitting here getting ready to go to accounting, I decided it was time for a soap-box activity and came to the following conclusions:

Seinfeld

The "show about nothing" really is. Insight into one man's world who must have a pretty boring life if the highlight of his days (and his friends) are of "spongeworthy" men and of a twisted (in the physical sense) friend who must wear a ribbon. I may be the only one in the country, but I'm glad it's going off the air.

Seventh Heaven

Yes, it's got your "family values" or whatnot, but the gender roles just cry FOUL. The middle daughter yaps on the phone 24-7, the teen boy is brooding and sensitive at times, and the mother is always cheerful, in the kitchen, carrying groceries and setting the table. Yuck.

Friends

Let me just say I'm glad they're not mine. For a woman to get a chunk of her hair cut out and become the newest "hair sensation" is really sad. The haircut that's mimicked by many women, yet really looks horrid. I hate that haircut, hate the show, and really, really wonder who has friends as loony as those. Not to mention the fact that they rarely have anyone else on there who is a different skin color.

Baywatch

Let's just cut to the chase and create a comparable show called "Crotchwatch" starring hunky firemen with complete zoom-in camera shots. Have them lifting fire hoses and zoom in on their backs and all. Give *them* enlarging implants and collagen and whatever else their female counterparts have (just in different spots).

Just Shoot Me

Better yet, shoot the tv. A woman who seemingly (depending on the scene) has a mind yet is dependent on daddy for a job, and constantly annoyed by a bottle-blond guy who's a twit. Just shoot it.

20/20

Odd that whenever they show their on-camera survey or profile groups they are never multi-colored (as compared to Dateline).

NewsRadio

Short skirts, tight tops and younger females are to believe these are professional? Not that they must be judged by their clothing status, but I really wonder where the hell you can get a job where you can wear a skirt so short that when you bend over you can see your skivvies.

Star Trek Voyager

I love the multi-culti cast and the fact that they've decided to go "where no one" has gone before (rather than no "man"). However, the show seemingly could use some actors who are above the "I-just-read-my-lines-to-get-paid" caliber. Let's not even mention the fact that there seems to be only one range of size among the women. (I guess no matter how far in space you go, the women are all in the single digit sizes.)

Jerry Springer

Yep, I know you've heard of this ex-mayor who has become one of the leading talk show hosts with an array of titles regarding third party lovers and odd confessions. Oh, and don't forget the lovely slash and bash fights. Literally dysfunctional families or abusive relationships (or even illegal ones) will be on, without any kind of expert to guide or really make the guests think. Jerry doesn't help with his shy grins during particularly rotten scenes and his sarcasm which only adds fuel to the fire. Maybe this is just an older rendition of the boy in third grade who was the school instigator.... This show proves that there's always someone out there who will do anything for ratings. But then again...when you hear the name "Jerry Springer" you don't really think of integrity, right?!? ...Or maybe you do, depending on your frame of reference.

Jenny Jones

The set is bold and brash (yick) and the host is mild as ever. Whatwith her bottle blond hair (which is way to brassy, by the way) and mega- trendy clothes, I believe the host needs a makeover that is closer to "woman" than "90210 girl." Her show doesn't include the fighting although she never seems to have an opinion or make any judgment on anything.

Sally Jessy Raphael/Montel Williams

Besides Oprah, I do like these two talk shows. Yes, they've had their own menagerie of guests, but both hosts make a stand on issues and call for respect while on the show. Bingo-bango *that*.

Days of Our Lives

I watched this in our Union a few times, and since the "mass audience" staring at the TV doesn't really deal too well with someone changing the channel, I had the (mis)fortune of watching it. Only a few choice phrases come to mind with this show: Silicone. Face lifts. Mentos commercials have better actors than this. Wardrobe. Bleeccccch. =P

I guess the conclusion is that you're better off watching cable or something with some sense of intelligence. I do like ER (the late night soap opera), Dateline (info), the Simpsons (two words: marvelous satire), Animaniacs and a few sitcoms, but nothing will ever replace good, stimulating conversation.

G. Summer M. Scarbough is currently pursuing her degree and hopestelevision will never replace conversation.Her StepToYourMusic site can be viewed at:http://www.angelfire.com/mi/TallWmn and her email:[email protected]

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