Cement: It Keeps You Hard

Think, grasshopper, think of the Mantra of the Thermostat

#Sex

Mon, Jun 2nd, 2003 01:00 by Leo N. ARTICLE

When someone says Kama Sutra, the first thing that pops to mind is a bunch of Indians in kinky positions doing it in all sorts of disturbing ways. More than once I've wondered who, in their right mind, would consider doing it in a position that should, under any other circumstance, snap your back in half and leave you in a tangled mess for the paramedics to find.

Aside from the Kama Sutra being a collection of a variety of topics, only one of them being on sex, there seems to be significant lack in there explaining how to prevent the male from giving a classic performance of 0.3 seconds of bad sex (that's me on a good day).

I'll be tackling this here. Ladies, you'll be grateful. Men, you can later boast about your sexual abilities. And knowledge in armoured cement foundations.

When you prepare the bedroom (or dungeon, bathroom, living room, broom closet or wherever else works for you, you freak) for your passionate, steaming, sweaty jungle animal love making session, get things ready. Set the mood with dim lights or candles. Light an incent stick or an aroma candle. Set a nice tone of gentle music in the background. A bottle of red wine, some fine quality chocolate, your whips and chains, will add to the atmosphere. This will help getting the juice flowing, if you can forgive the pun.

Then you need to prepare yourself mentally. If this is your place, determine which place she's most likely to put her head. When you've figured this out, find a book and leave it open somewhere in the middle in a strategic place where you can still read it from a medium distance but isn't noticed by your partner. Usually a small chair with the book propped against it works well for me. My place being a blasted mess at the best of times, hardly anyone notices another book scattered somewhere.

Don't pick a book that has nekkid girls in it or that discusses erotica in intimate details. Pick something dull and boring. I discovered an architectural book on the proper construction of cement foundations. It's as dull as a brick and filled with words that sound like something a doctor would say to another while they're doing you an anal endoscope. Don't be scared; remember, the duller and more hideous the book, the better.

When you're right smack in the middle of it and she's begging you to go faster because "she's close" (and has been for the last half an hour) and you're starting to feel that you may be about to reach the point of no return (which is almost immediately) read the book. Carefully read each sentence like it was a message from God. Concentrate on it:

"...which will cause prefabricated armoured cement foundations to settle if the sediment has not been properly compressed and then layered over the compound with a combination of sand on road construction grade gravel, which, when then later mixed with a combination..."

Sure, your hips are still moving, but they got a life of their own and she doesn't know any better. Even if at first she was curious as to why you were staring behind her head, she is probably not going to care at this point, being "so close" and all.

(I don't reccomend opening the book and cradling it on her back if you're doing it doggy style, as she will really start getting suspicious, ending the night with her accusing you that you think she is boring and you'd much rather read a book on cement. Ah, if only she knew.)

It's difficult to flip pages without getting noticed, so don't even bother. Instead, when you get to the end, just start all over again. It's not like it will make any sense the first time you'll read it anyway. Or the second. Or tenth. Use this excuse to snap back into the situation and see where you're at, assuming you can actually figure it out. Women seem to be an orgasm factory, so she may well be on her way to a second and you didn't even notice the first.

Since you've actually managed to make A girl climax (for once!) without immediately making a mess, you have the choice here of letting nature take its course.

Or keep on reading.

If your wild chimpanzee sex goes too wild and the vibrations cause the book to fall, don't panic. Strategically placed posters around your wall can provide hours of careful examination that will continue to allow you to be deconcentrated from your loins. I have a small poster of the Beatles crossing Abbey Road and I seem to find something new in that photo everytime. It took me a long time to notice that Paul McCartney is crossing barefooted.

Sometimes, however, you find yourself unable to deconcentrate yourself with just a picture because the girl is being incredibly noisy, repeatedly calling for God as if she was a nun or something. So make sure you have a poster that has lots of words in a font you, even when partially blind like me, can see. I have a poster with lots of words which I kept simply because it's blue. I've read it a million times and it even has some smarty-pants words in it. I still fail to remember what the poster is about, but it has never let me down.

At this point the girl, tired of being below, violently throws you on the bed and jumps on top of you. I've never quite understood this, but now you find yourself staring away from the book and you must (MUST!) desperately find something else to concentrate on. Examine things in the room and describe them to yourself:

"...the thermostat for example. The thermostat, or at least the one I have, is a pretty ancient one, filled with mercury that causes an electrical contact with the coil inside whenever the temperature drops enough for the coil to engage the power. The power then activates the heater which causes the room to warm up..."

Don't say this out loud, of course (unless she thinks it's okay, while she calls "GOD! GOD!" for you to go "THERMOSTAT! THERMOSTAT!"). In fact, while you're concentrating on this, put your hands on automatic but ignore them completely. Think, grasshopper, think of the Mantra of the Thermostat.

This technique can also come in handy if you somehow ended up at her place and she was drunk enough to think of you as attractive (or at the very least, not repulsive). Besides, someone else's place is always filled with interesting new things to look at and you can just sit there and make guesses at to what each object is, where it came from and so on, for hours.

Eventually, the girl will finally reach a point (some two days later) where she has taken all she could humanly possibly take (if you can actually find it in yourself to believe it possible) and will collapse, happy, in a pile of sweat and pass out.

All thanks to cement.

  2006

 

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