How to take over the world with 10 bucks

#HowTo

Fri, Aug 9th, 1996 12:34 by GotW ARTICLE

You're bored, you've got 10 bucks, and you need something to do. Well, here's a suggestion, how about world conquest! With just 10 bucks you can do it! Here's how.

First, walk down to you local Seven Eleven.

Unfortunately, for the first phase of this plan, you mustconform to society. Try to avoid a glorious shoplifting attempt -it's to risky at this stage. So swallow your pride, and calmly use your 10 bucks to purchasea bag of Chip's Ahoy! cookies (not the soft ones).

Note: GotW receives no money whatsoever for the endorsement ofChip's Ahoy Cookies. Sixteen chips in each cookie adds powerfulre- enforcement to the apparatus you are about to construct.

When you return home, go to the junk droor and grab an Exactoknife (again, no money involved) and cut all the cookies into this shape:


       /---\       
 <\   <    |   /\  
  \\___\   |__/  \ 
   \             | 
    |     ______/  
     \  /||        
      \/  \\       
           \>      

Now get a nail file, and file the edges of each cookie for approximately 3 days, until each edge is sharp enough to split a hair off your head. You now have a powerful throwing star! GotW scientist have determined that this asymmetrical shape will cause more damage than the traditional star--the diagram is not just a lazy attempt at ASCII art.

Next, take you deadly weapons to both a department store and a grocery store (creative people might try to raid one of those super-huge stores that combine both a grocery and department store!). Declare ownership of the store; when they all give you a funny stare as if you're crazy, calmly thrown the Chip's-a-ninja-star at them. As people are instantly decapitated and blood covers the floors, continue hurling them.

note 1: Be careful not to damage any merchandise. You will need some of it.

note 2: Because of the weapon's special shape, it will return to you like a boomerang. Since it will instantly rip you to shreds when it hits you, please make sure to avoid it.

Once the shoppers abandon the store, you have full control.From the supermarket get spam, olive loaf, clam juice, a box of twinkies, cellophane wrap, and some ammonia. From the department store get a raincoat (make sure it fits), some rubber boats,rubber bands, scotch tape, a glass jar, and a spoon. Now you are ready to take over the city!

Mix the spam, olive loaf, clam juice, twinkies, and ammonia in a big bowl. Now eat about one cup of it. You will instantly vomit after trying this awful concoction--be sure to have the jar ready to catch it as you puke. Quickly seal the jar with the cellophane and a rubber band. When those particular ingredients mix with digestive juices, a radioactive substance is formed. Luckily, you will be protected from this because the mixture has been sealed with cellophane.

Find a house that is in the center of the city, and throw the jar through the window. When it breaks, radiation will spread throughout the city. Run back home, get the rest of the materials you plundered, and go to an area that is radiation free.

Put the raincoat on, get a piece of cellophane to cover your face, and seal everything with the scotch tape. Put theboots on, punch a breathing hole in the cellophane, and you now have a radiation suit! Go back to the city. Since everyone is now dead, you can declare yourself ruler!

Why stop at just a city though? Hell, go for the entire world!By using this technique, you can make weekends just a little more exciting.

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