Tonight I was in my local Subway picking up a Subway Melt with extra tomatoes, when two customers walked in, and I won an important victory in the war against stupidity.
It started innocently enough, with a quite attractive young woman entering the store. While one of the wage slaves behind the counter was making up my sub, another took her order, which was for a particular kind of sub that has cheese.
I am proud to say that I really do admire brains in a woman over her body, because the moment she saw the cheese and opened her mouth to protest, suddenly my Raging Hormones were instantly pushed aside by my Intellectual Outrage, which quickly got on the phone and told their buddy, my Homicidal Impulses, to come over and bring a six pack and a shotgun.
What was the problem? Well, if you've ever been to a Subway, you know that their cheese comes in little triangular slices, and are a creamy white. It's cheddar cheese, but she thought it was mozzarella. She kept protesting that cheddar cheese was orange.
Now, if you've even eaten anything other than Kraft singles in your life, you should know that cheese comes in a variety of different styles. For example, I've seen aged cheddar that was white. A lot of this has to do with additives and food colouring. They could make cheddar blue with green dots and have it still taste the same. But they don't because they know you won't buy it. Orange is the colour most people expect them to be, so that's the colour it is. But it hardly means that it has to be this colour or it's not cheddar.
And one other little detail she should be aware of. Subway is a fast- food place. And I hate to break this to her but... I kinda suspect that some fast-food place don't always use 100% all natural food. I think that some of it just might be synthetic. I have it from a person who used to work in a Subway that the cheese isn't artificial, but still, when you go into a quick food place, you should assume better food through chemical engineering.
The Subway guy showed her the box that said "Cheddar" on it, and although she didn't put up a fuss about it, by her tone you could she knew the Subway guy was crazy. She knew what colour cheddar cheese was supposed to be. In fact, in order to confirm her theory, she was talking with another customer, a man, about how she always thought Cheddar was orange.
Meanwhile, I was standing there, having a premonition about being tried for murder. "But mi'lord, if you'd only been in Subway listening to these two... ."
The other guy was agreeing with her about how Cheddar should be orange. Well, I'm glad these two are tackling the social issues that are tearing this country apart. Am I the only one in this room who doesn't give a fuck and three quarters?
But it got worse. Much to my alarm, they began to strike up a conversation based on the fact that Cheddar was orange. I could see that they were warming up to each other, and the old attraction virus was being exchanged. They were actually forging a relationship on this. Their mutual attraction to each other was created from their deeply spiritual belief that Cheddar should be orange.
I don't know if a relationship based on Cheddar is strong enough to go the distance, and I didn't wish to know. It wasn't important anyway. Clearly these two were beginning to like each other. That could mean they would form a relationship. It could mean marriage. It could mean sexual intercourse. But most importantly, it could lead to pregnancy. Then we'd have the genes of two stupid people passed on to a new generation.
Clearly, drastic action was called for. It was just me between these two and the dumbing of the human race's gene pool. I had to do something.
I sprang into action.
I grabbed the guy, spun him around, and kissed him full on the lips (fortunately, stupidity can't be spread through casual contact). I said "See you tonight honey. It's your turn to be on top. And don't forget to bring Cocoa the Dancing Monkey."
Mortified, he left the store without another word. The woman he'd been talking to stared blankly ahead, trying very hard not to look at me.
I collected my Subway Melt and left triumphantly. It's true that the Subway now thinks I'm gay and a rampaging lunatic, but it's a small price to pay to protect our future from idiocy.
Fight the war against stupidity. The life you save may be your own.
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