How to Get Rid of a Body

#Death

Tue, May 26th, 1998 02:00 by Lord Lansdowne ARTICLE

It happens, once in a while, that you end up with a fresh dead body. Or corpse to be more precise. And you'll notice that the very first question that always comes to mind is not "who is this guy?" or "how did he die?" but more likely "how do I get rid of it?"

At first, it was not an easy task; I would chainsaw the body, and scatter the pieces around, use cement and ditch it in the lake, hoping the fishies would like the free snack. I have even tried acid, but it's bloody messy and the washroom never looks the same. And the myth that a starved dog will eat a corpse? Not true. Plenty of leftovers, not including the bones.

Yup, I've tried all the various brute force techniques, and I can assure you, none work too well. Even stashing the body in the trunk of my car, driving several hours up North and ditch the body in a bush in the forest. And that's the problem: brute force attack in getting rid of a body is exactly the wrong way of doing things.

Fortunately through years of experience, I have found several methods to easily dispose of a body before it starts to smell and it upsets the local authorities. First of all there are a few things you have to take in consideration when getting rid of a body: you don't want to attract scavengers. While this might seem as a good thing, since they quickly chew up the fleshy part of the body, it attracts too much attention. Where did that fox get that arm? I'm sure you wouldn't let that go by. You don't want the body to be found for a long time. If the body is not found, well, then maybe, just maybe, the person is not really dead, but just disappeared. Lastly, you don't want any connection between you and the corpse.

In my case, I have learned to make best use of the resources I have around me. Take for example No Frills, a convenient grocery store where many of my connections are located. Need drugs? Stolen U.S. Army computer equipment? Underground Israeli Army surplus? Cigarettes? You can get it all here if you have the right connections and you know what department to go to. There is also this great sense of brotherhood among the clerks and they will gladly help a fellow brother in need of help. Many times I have found myself parking in the back, take out a big black garbage back with the boys. We'd take the body down to the "Grinder". The meat guy loves me when I drop by with one of my jobs, because he can lower the prices of his ground beef by having a 50/50 mixture of ground human meat and ground beef, since human, he once told me, "tastes more like chicken".

This method has worked many times. It has the downside of requiring so much work, especially in the preparation of the meat to ensure that no clothes or jewels or other recognizable items are found by the customers.

Of course there is a quick and easy way these days: the compactor. It only works well in the summer unfortunately. First of all the body must be put in several black plastic bags to ensure that they will not break and reveal that the garbage is indeed a person. During the summer, a compactor usually starts to smell real bad, partly due because of the rotten meat and vegetables thrown in there, with the occasional chemical bottle, and part because... well, who knows who's been throwing what in your local grocery store's compactor eh?

Alas, not everyone has access to these delightful conveniences. Of course, you could try the daring way. Pack the body in a hefty bag and leave it for the garbage men to pick up. If you do try this, don't leave it in front of your house. Many good men I knew got caught by the authorities for doing a stupid mistake like that.

A friend of mine told me of a neat trick, which is to leave the body in an hospital. The hard part is not bringing it down to the morgue. You see, if you are wearing the right clothing, with the hint of a nametag or some sort of fake ID, and you act as if you were supposed to be there, people will leave you alone. So, the real challenge, and too risky if you ask me, is bringing the body from the car, to the hospital entrance. Unless you have the hospital worked out well (other entrances, someone from the inside that you can trust), I would highly avoid this.

One of my friends has an easy way to get rid of his bodies. He dresses them in sky-diving gear, puts a parachute on their back and pushes them off. Many of those "accidents" you hear on the radio? Fear not, the victim was already dead.

There is a saying that "two is company, three is a crowd". Many of my suggestions are unfortunately involving quite a crowd. You need someone there to help you out. Not all of us are lucky to have people that are willing to take such a big risk to help you rid of a body. So, here are a few suggestions for those that need to or prefer, working solo.

Niagara Falls: avoid it like the pest. Even at 4 o'clock in the morning, there is always someone there. And even if you do throw the body over with a pair of cement slippers, eventually the strength of the current will snap the body at the knees and guess who'll flow back up? So avoid this method with the passion. It's the first place the coppers look anyway.

Take the body, place it on the rail tracks of a well traveled line. Near a bend if possible. This will avoid the body from being spotted virtually immediately and the chance that a slow moving freight train could stop in time. You want momentum to be your friend. Of course, you have to make it look like an accident. Take out a freshly bought bottle of some strong alcohol, pour some on the body, and put the bottle next to the body, but far enough so it won't break. People will think the obvious, while the body will be nicely mauled making it unrecognizable for a while.

If you don't need time, but just want to get rid of the body quickly and in a clean way, steal a wheelchair. The person that was on it will most likely not chase after you. After that, go see a movie. With the body. On the wheelchair. As you enter, talk to the body on how good the movie will be. Buy the tickets and wheel the body to see Titanic (the movie is three hours and 15 minutes long, giving you almost 4 hours to play with to create an alibi). When the movie starts and the lights are dimming, tell the body you are going to get some popcorn and stuff. Instead, leave.

There are of course many other ways of solving problems of this kind. It all depends by your imagination and resources and how good your alibi is. Remember though, you should try to avoid at all costs to end up with the terrible task of getting rid of a body. If your job is done well from the beginning, all you have to do, is go and collect the other half of the cheque.

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