This story, like all good stories of our time, is a story about a girl, and love in times of war; without the war, love, or the girl. This story is actually about hate, anti-Americanism, a bathroom, and of course, communism.
You may be asking yourself, ?a bathroom??, but I will get to that in due time. First off, you must understand what happened. There is a person in my school who claims to be an anarchist, a communist, anti-government, and just about anti-everything fun and good. Me, being the happy-go-lucky guy I am, wasn?t bothered by him much until something about him was brought to my attention.
Normally, he refuses to salute the flag. I feel that it is wrong to not salute the flag of the country you live in. But, since America prides itself on freedom of expression I decided he was entitled to do so. Here?s what got the vein in my forehead throbbing... one day during the Pledge of Allegiance he put his hand on his heart, as any other America-loving person would do. This seemed odd to me, and I knew something was awry. And I was right! Upon closer inspection to his seeming patriotism, I noticed he was giving the flag the finger. Thus the war starts and the vein throbs.
Now I could have done the sensible thing and talked it out with this person, asking him why he did what he did. But where's the fun in that? My friends and I took it upon ourselves to do what we considered the right thing and get revenge for America.
Part 1: The bitch-out session
Not much to tell here except that my friends and I engaged in a heated discussion with this kid that lasted for several days. Well, to be honest, we yelled at him for 3 days.
During this time, we learned much about his views. When I say ?views? I actually
mean stupid attempts to get attention because daddy didn?t hug him enough as a child. He claims that he hates America and its government. Now to me this was funny because the only reason he can say all this stuff is because of the freedoms America and its government give him (oh the irony of it all). Now there was a mess of others things as well. I felt as if it were my duty to tell him that the flag represents all of the freedoms of America and it represents all the people who fought and died to protect those freedoms, so by not saluting the flag he might as well burn the constitution and spit on the graves of all the soldiers. This didn?t phase him so I whipped out the big guns and told him that my grandfather died in WWII (World War two for those of you whose skills are not in anagrams). Now, what would a person like him say or do to that? Would he see my point of view and realize what he is doing is wrong? Would he say that he is sorry my grandfather died but he is sticking to his beliefs? No, he laughed. And the vein almost popped. Now I don?t suppose it matters that both of my grandparents are alive... but what he doesn?t know won?t hurt him. I think it?s the mere fact that he laughed that he deserves several more ass kicking added to the many that will come his way. No, I?m not talking about physical harm, mental damage lasts much longer.
Part 2: Plotting
So much hatred, so much free time, so many resources, so many good ideas. Hm....
Part 3: The blows are struck
Things done to him to make him wish he never flipped off the flag:
1) A list of every country (excluding the United States) was made and placed inside his locker
Our thought was that if he hates America he has 190 other countries to chose from.
2) Iraqi flags were put into his locker, one saying ?I love Iraq?.
Well.... he has to love one country. We assumed.
Now the classics...
3) Toothpaste in Oreos
4) School had a bake sale. They were selling brownies.
Use your imagination here people. Here?s a hint: ?special? brownies to replace his unspecial one?s
God I love coincidence. Am I being sarcastic? Am I looking around with shifty eyes? Or am I just thankful the person in charge of Karma doesn?t like communists?
5) Now here?s where I just got childish... and in trouble
He went to the bathroom (told you I?d get to it in due time). I, being resourceful, creative, devilishly good-looking, and quasi-evil put my foot in front of the door so he couldn?t get out. Now I?m not sure why he got mad but believe me he did. To make things even better, or worse, when I decided to let him out after 20 or so seconds he rams into the door, falls, hits his elbow and head on the ground, gets up, looks angry, walks towards me...
So suspenseful. Will he beat me to within an inch of my life? Will he laugh (as he tends to do at unfunny things)? Will he cry to a teacher? Nope, he pushed me and kicked me in the shin. But he kicked me really hard.
Well here?s where I got in trouble. He then tried to strangle me. But he has a weak grip for someone who probably masturbates constantly (and yes I washed my neck on the shower for a good 30 minutes when I got home). As this was occurring one of my friends jumped in to save the day (applause). This meant his anger shifted from me to him... but my friend was at least twice his size. At this point, a teacher with a fro walked out and gave both me and the anti-everything fun kid detentions.
That's right! Patriotism gets me a detention. I say it was patriotism and my friend Jay says it was stupidity and mild-retardation, but its all the same right? That?s the thanks I get for doing America good.
Sure enough, I am now forced to live at peace with this child. At least from 7 to 2. He still refuses to salute the flag openly. Every now and then I see him lit his arm and put his hand on his heart during the pledge, but it never quite makes it. Perhaps he is going to flip it off again, but I bet from now on he will think twice about it.
Now, I feel better. I?ve told the story and it is true for the most part. Lies were told but all for the common good.
?America has a lot of freedoms, but people often neglect the freedom to leave.?
-- Casey Matthews
|Man Posted Fake Orgy Invite at Neighbour's House on Craigslist|
|Leaving a Job With a Bus, Not a Slide|
|Girl Quits Her Job on Dry Erase Board, Emails Entire Office|
|All Hail the Old Twat with Droopy Tits|
|Flight Attendant Snaps, Makes Dramatic Exit|
|How to Grow a Tiny Forest, Really Fast, Anywhere in the World|
|"The labour being done by these robots is work that will never again be done by people."|
|The Only Roadblock to a Head Transplant Is Ethics, Not Science|
|Turning a Large Circular Table into an Interactive Augmented Surface|
|"In less time than it takes to make a cup of coffee, a sketch emerges inferred solely from DNA."|
|Self-Learning Software Masters Old Atari Games|
|Term Emulator that Mimics Old School CRT Screen|
|The Traditional Submarine is Becoming Obsolete|
|“I like holding it. It’s not going off. It’s not making sounds.”|
|"The team's goal is to build an A.I. system with the capability of a toddler."|
|"Microsoft and Google have swapped places."|
|USB Dead Drops from Around the World|
|New Net Neutrality Rules Explained in Plain English|