May Europans Not Be That Smart

and by 'Europans' I mean the people living on Europa the moon, not Belgium

Written by Lord Lansdowne

If there really are life forms on Europa, I hope that they are no more advanced than single-celled creatures. They'll be just as fun to study, trust me.

Pretend for a second that you were a self-aware creature living in the oceans of Jupiter's moon: it's ice above and rock below. There's no concept of "looking up into space" because there is no space: your world has no sky. Everything around you is "ground."

So here arrive humans with their probe, who promptly drill a hole into the ice and say "hello aliens!"

Imagine this for a second: you're minding your own business when suddenly a METAL MONSTER COMES OUT OF A BURNING HOLE IN THE GROUND, ACCIDENTALLY KILLS A FEW PEOPLE AND SAYS NONSENSE. Yeah, I'd shit my pants too.

But once all the fuss dies down and we, somehow, manage to make our arrival understood by the Europans as peaceful, they'll learn that they live on an inside-out planet, that there's a whole universe out there and, ah, yeah, we are the neighbours.