Ten Things That Irk Me

A list of the small things that annoy me daily

Written by David Dylan

There are many small things that annoy me daily. I'm sure it's the same for you. If not, well, consider yourself lucky. Unless, of course there are many big things that annoy you daily, in which case, sucks to be you. Here's a list. Why? Because lists are fun. Sorta. It's better than bottling shit up, or so I'm told. If it doesn't work it's back to the original plan, although where I'm going to get enough rat poison, I don't know.

Facebook relationship status

Becoming a meme in itself, the griping about there not being a 'dislike' button. I get that. But what irks me far more is the relationship status options. I mean, Jane Doe is now in a relationship with Jon Doe and it's complicated. Complicated? What fucking relationship isn't complicated?!

Loving couple

Complicated it is then?

What I want to see are 'Jane Doe is in a relationship with John Doe and ...' '...it's a fucking miracle!' or '...it will be over in a week.' or '...he must be friggin' blind.' or '...it's was about bloody time they fucked and got it over with!'. I know there were times I could've used one of those.

Facebook and cats

I like cats, I really do. I've got two. They love me. They come and purr on my lap. They are genuinly glad to see me when I come home. And then I feed them and they leave me the fuck alone.

Cat in a basket


Now, my cats have many talents. Destroying furniture. Vomiting with amazing good aim. And I swear they can magic fur out of thin air. That or my couch is secretly a wookie. But I have NEVER heard them dispense wisdom. Yet, for some reason, people send around pictures with deep thoughts such as "Eat your cookies because tomorrow there may be no more cookies. Share this if you've ever been without cookies." Actually, I made that one up. And I promptly posted it on Facebook, of course.

Anyway; these inane pictures with little bits of 'folk' wisdom are almost the most annoying thing on Facebook. can we please send the people who make these to some sort of colony somewhere? I mean, I've seen many forms of insanity in my life, once or twice in the mirror (I tell ya, that guy is messed up! And he follows me everywhere!) but there must be some special long-assed Latin name for people who let pictures of cats tell them what to do.

Facebook and godbotherers

Some people just don't think things through. They post little stories about how some god I don't believe in will punish me by sending me to a hell I don't believe in for... not believing in him. How is that a threat?! Do as I say or the Easter Bunny will get you?! It's not that I don't believe, mind you. And that brings me to the other kind; the vocal atheists. I mean; yeah, Thor had a hammer. And yeah, Christ was nailed to a cross. So?

Most of what people think they know of Thor was invented by Wagner. Most of what people think they know about Christ was invented by people who lived about 70 years after Christ's death. So, what does some people's messiah have to do with the fantasies of a nineteenth-century Limp Bizkit? Not much. But hey, if they can piss off some 'fundies' I guess that makes them happy.

But the worst of them are the silent atheists. Because you just know they are sitting there behind their monitors, judging you...

Small boy at a laptop

I'm not mad. I'm disappointed. FAG!

Hipsters in sagging skinny jeans

Yeah, what is up with that? Just when I thought I knew how to spot hipsters so I could avoid them, they started wearing their skinny pants around their ankles. What's that? Circulation in the legs is boring but willy needs to be free?

Or, you know, were they gangsta's before rap made it cool? They aren't into it now, but sometimes they rob a liquor store, you know, ironically?

Pull up your pants. Go hate your parents somewhere else before I ironically give you a wedgie so oldschool you wouldn't know what hit you.

Ten cents refund

So, thee you are, waiting in line and in front of you is some sad number arguing with the clerk that he or she didn't get her ten cents off of her can of sun-dried beans. You just know this is going to take a while. The clerk will get out the latest book of coupons. She won't find the sun-dried beans in there. She'll call over a colleague. They will both study the coupons. It takes fucking ages. I mean, I inhale, I exhale; here I just earned ten cents. That stingy bastard is stealing ten cents from me for every second he lets me wait here. Go the fuck outside. Enjoy the spring. There, that's worth more than ten cents, right? Here, here's ten cents. Take it. TAKE THE DAMN TEN CENTS! OK, I'll just put them in your po... damn, jerk, that hurts. What are you doing? Don't call the cops, oh maaan... and I have to find yet another supermarket to go to. It just blows.


OK, I've checked out this Pinterest thing. It seems fun, but absolutely useless. I mean, people post (or 'pin') pictures they like and other people can look at them. That is it, really. What does it mean?! So you post a picture of a nice meal. Why? Were you hungry? Is it your favourite food? Do you like the pretty colours? The table linen? WHAT?!

But I 'pinned' some of my pictures and guess what; I'm amassing followers like crazy. All female. All amazingly hot. Wow... I mean, sure, at some point they probably are going to tell me they are just looking for a good man, and I'm not a good man. But damn, I've been single a while, I'm willing to lie.

totes for real!

This time she's totes for real, bro! Look at that picture!


OK. I've had it with this Twilight thing, right? I mean, sure the books are probably stupid. The movies were made in Hollywood so that goes without saying. But really; what's up with all this hate? If we combine the IQ's of all the fans and add it to mine the number would probably be negative and I'm afraid that's catching so I kinda avoided the books. But stupid teens have always found silly idols to swoon over. I'm of the generation that went to see Menudo 'live' for crying out loud, it's not as if it's a new thing. I kinda was out of it when I saw 'sparkling' and 'vampire' in the same sentence, but hey, I'm the one who was expressly forbidden to play Steiner Von Rudolf the undead Nazi from the future at a LARP, so I'm probably not free from some sin.

I just don't 'get' why we give that series of a waste of good trees all the advertising. Also, Menudo dude.


OK. Pink Slime. I get it dude. Go back to weaponizing good Italian food by turning it British. Or, you know; show us how to make the same thing but good. Hamburgers and Chicken in batter are comfort food, ok? We eat it so we can hate ourselves for a few moments instead of our bosses, exes, spouses, kids...

So, here goes:

Take a handful of ground beef.
Add one egg and some breadcrumbs.
Spices to taste.

Beat the beef into submission and shape sorta vaguely patty-shaped.Fry on a moderate flame.Cut a bun. I mean, cut that bastard real good. Put a dollop of ketchup on one side and mayo on the other. Melt a slice of Cheddar on the patty. Add a slice of salami, bacon, whatever you like, top off with a slice of tomato and some lettuce. Slap together.

Prep time: ten minutes max. I'm not counting shopping time because you were going shopping anyway.


Actually, I magic my food in... The spell goes "Muuuuum...."

Going out to your closest Mickey D's is at least half an hour of your life you won't get back. (And eating the food there is another half.)


Inglorious Basterds

What. The. Fuck? Quentin Tarantino, tell me you were drugged and forced to make this! Where's the brilliant fight scenes? The bigger than life bad guys you love to hate? The insane but sharp-as-a-tack dialogue? Come on man, just when it got good it was over, too. Come back to Amsterdam, you need more weed man. I mean, it even has a soppy love story! I hate myself just for watching this! Sure, some cohones get shot off... but it's not about the blood, guy. It's about the way you put it right in our faces. I mean, I saw that nut-shot coming a mile away. Damnit, one more of these and I'm back to Jackie Chan. At least he has the decency to break bones on the set.


Yeah. He was my childhood hero. And lately he's becoming a bit of a meme. So I started watching the series, and now, because a particular kind of OCD I have, I have to finish them all. But really; he's brilliant. He MacGyvers shit, way cool. But I can tell by the clock when the solution is near. At around two-thirds in everything seems over. Then everything falls apart again and at the last moment MacGyver saves the day. And nothing ever goes wrong. He never gets the wrong kind of drain cleaner, or botches the proportions. And I can tell you that even geniuses sometimes get the CC's and the Liters mixed up.

He was my childhood idol. He should have stayed just that.

Also, he owes my mum a new kitchen.