Why I Married a Geek

survival of the nerdiest

Written by Le Brunette Smurfette

I wrote this little ditty at the encouragement of my husband, a nerd, who primarily wanted to hear about how great he is in a world that values the man with the money, the expensive car, the lustrous hair, and the social connections. My nerd has not any of those things. I write this from a poor-woman’s version of Bill Gates-as-a-husband perspective. Please do not assume that I write sitting pretty poolside while he writes tax-deductible cheques to local charities while wearing designer jeans. That’s not the nerd I married, dear Reader.

For the true linguist/anal-semantic connoisseur you probably believe that there are fundamental differences between the “nerd” and the “geek”. There probably is, but I do not really care to distinguish one from the other and use them interchangeably; however, I would define each as basically the same thing: the man that is more interested in playing with his computer, talking superheroes, talking computers, thwarting spammers, tending to his website/comics/gadgets, watching sci-fi, watching anime, than interact socially with human beings that offer a live interaction (unless it’s RPG), even if it meant sacrificing a night of sex.

There are extremes within the geek spectrum just as there are extremes in any category one can muster for human beings. I would care to strike a balance here in this article, stating outright that I did not marry (and this article does not encourage) the man who is at his computer for hours whilst defeating warlocks digging into his savings in order to participate with other gamers and prefers living in a basement apartment wearing his newest t-shirt for days because, you know, it’s the coolest. This article also does not endorse any “nerd” who is not really a “nerd” but says he is a “nerd” who stalks chat rooms and engages in a lot of cyber sex. That’s not a nerd. That is just a pervert. A pervert who calls himself a nerd to hide his perversions and I don’t have enough evidence that would back up a “Why I Married a Pervert: Survival of the Sorest” article.

Don’t be fooled either by the nerd=sexy trend which has been co-opted by the hipster class; to the expert in nerd dating, anyone can see right through those oversized “prescription” glasses knowing that most nerds were already doing that when they were in high school and did not wait until they were old enough to slam back a few espressos whose beans were organically grown, chatting about the latest independent movie they saw. Barf. Also, movies that depict the soft-spoken nerd getting the hot girl are fallacies. That never happens. Well, not in high school anyway. That changes as women become more desperate as they become older. Cool nerds are rare and know they are cool, which in effect, is not nerdy enough for me.

Alas, I was not desperate! (Though I can see how one would assume that from my preceding statement and this statement in which I further clarify there is no truth in your assumption that I was desperate). I expertly hand plucked my nerd and chose him. What really guided this was my secret geek-self who I tucked away but became increasingly exposed when other students noticed my delight when I received an A+ and my misery when I received that stinking excuse for a grade, the “A” or, worse still, the “A-”. You cannot really fight the true self within you. I probably ripped off that line from a sci-fi movie or show but it is true.

That is probably what is most appealing when you marry or date a geek: they are always themselves, they just cannot let go of it, even for a moment. All the social ineptness, the deliberate attempts to engage someone else in a debate over something silly, the innocence, the computer-speak is who they are. This is definitely one reason why I married a geek: he is who is and that probably is not going to change any time soon. They constantly seek self-improvement but in the end, they know what makes them happy — and it’s not you. It’s their laptop or server, whatever her name is.

That would probably be reason number two as to why it is best to marry within the nerd-class — he is never going to leave you for another woman, and the mistress he comes with is not human and cannot reciprocate her loyalty with fellatio, leaving only you as his option; even though he talks about her so much you sometimes question why it was incredibly disappointing to him when you told him he could not bring his laptop to bed. Seriously. While they may also watch a lot of pornography they are also smart enough to know the difference between porn sex and real life sex. While they drool over sci-fi hotties they also know they do not stand a chance with them. Rather, they would like to engage in conversation about the media’s portrayal of women and how it hurts us. Anyway, nerds do not have affairs (with human women) primarily because: they’ve already been wounded by a cheater; they know that no else wants them sexually, thereby limiting their chances for infidelity greatly, and; while Kirk might, Picard definitely would not.

Nerds are themselves and they are loyal (just ask a question about a movie, book, or television show they love versus another and you will understand what I mean, i.e. “So...what’s the difference between Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and X-Men, anyway? They’re both about magic powers, right?” ;). They are also the upcoming class of people who will remain the true superheroes when the alien overloads try to decimate us and/or artificial intelligence turns its back on its very creators. It is not Will Smith. It is not Keanu Reeves. It is the men who work on their computers on black-and-white screens which mimic The Matrix and they call the shell. In an age where technological growth increases every day, you need to keep up with the Joneses; and the Joneses are the Geeks. Granted, if artificial intelligence does one day try to harness our energy for sustenance it is only logical to begin hating on science and the very nerds who created this artificial intelligence. But, if we are lucky, nerds will create artificial intelligence so that they will be like Data or that shitty portrayal of a character that Robin Williams brought to life in that movie about a robot butler who gains sentience and ultimately ends up screwing the granddaughter of his master. While contributing to the destruction of humanity on earth nerds will also be the only ones that will save us. In the meanwhile, having married a geek I almost never have to bother with internet or computer customer service people and whenever I am stumped by the margin size on a text document he knows how to shortcut his way to fixing it. He also connected me to a different email program as my workplace has blocked popular email sites, in effect subverting authority and assisting me in wasting my time reading silly forwards. I have also appeared smarter to IT staff at my workplace when I asked about the remote access’ compatibility with Linux or Ubuntu or whatever, which felt pretty cool. Now this, dear reader, is useful knowledge to have in this age of tablets which will eventually morph into nanobots for your brain.

It is the men who work on their computers on black-and-white screens which mimic The Matrix and they call the shell.

Another benefit in marrying a nerd is the sage advice and guidance when spending money. Not on homes or clothes. Not those things. But computers. While other women may receive jewellery they are not crazy about from their partners, I have been fortunate to receive throughout my relationship: GPSs, a netbook, a great internet connection with a large download allowable per month, and my shiny new laptop. I also have been prevented from falling into the “but it’s so pretty!” trap of buying Apple products only to keep buying them because I want the latest version, even if the only significant difference is that you can record video. (Oh, okay, just shut up Mac-lovers ? I admit there are other differences, but who are you kidding? You are a slave to the fruit.) Their knowledge is practical and you never end up spending your own money on purchasing software or a new mouse. That does not mean they are cheap; the money spent on my laptop was spent well as he was able to differentiate between different models, processors, computer salesmen bullshit and determine how much memory and hard drive space I really needed. It is akin to saving you from the awkward and claustrophobic feeling of going to the mechanic because you know you are going to get ripped off so you just surrender to their conquest of your wallet. Nerds do not let you feel like that in a computer store — rather, they charge like chivalrous knights, impressing the salesman who eventually lets go of his commission-based mission because he has been defeated by your geek, leaving them both to chat freely about the cons of the pink laptop you gravitated towards. They even know about free software, which works just as good as the stuff you have to pay for, which equals more savings in your pocket which means you can put that money towards a brand new pair of shoes!

Nerds are also romantic. That netbook purchase was not a nerd who simply wanted me to have a cute computer because he was hoping he could use it, too. He knew what I needed in a home I shared with others: independence, the ability to connect with the world on my own terms even if that meant playing solitaire in bed, the opportunity to write more stories, and, overall, freedom. The GPS meant he wanted to make sure I never got lost while I worked in a city I barely knew, for a profession I was not in yet but striving to enter since he was the only one out of the two of us that believed I would achieve my goal. The internet connection was so I can watch shows and movies I like which he also downloads for me, as I do not have to bother learning about bit torrents. The laptop was the upgrade as the netbook was purchased fresh out of school and he felt I deserved something better and a “real” computer to discover the world and express myself. The best part is that I did not know I “needed” these things; he was ahead of me every time, and knew what I required to navigate through this electronic world before I did. They also love cuddling to watch television off their laptop screens and rarely expect sex, since they see it as a privilege, not a right. It is also very simple in making your nerdlove happy — bring him to a computer store, buy him a gift certificate to a gaming store, leave him be so he can surf the web/watch his show/read his comics/be a warlock, and listen to his techno-speak or theories about the world if you let them “bother you” about it. They also are hard to embarrass if you did not end up waxing your lip for that Khan-a-thon he took you too, and appreciate your time. They are also easily enraptured if you use proper grammar and read novels, but will take lingerie if they can get it. They also always believe you are the hottest thing alive which may probably stem from their deep-seated insecurities. But, hey, I’ll take a compliment when I can get it.

And so, dear Reader, I come to an end in listing my rationale for marrying a geek and why I encourage other women to seek out them out and mate with them. It truly is a wise move especially if you so much as think you may have a geek within you as well. A nerd will understand you and does not fault you for your flaws, because a true nerd knows he’s a bit of a social misfit himself when he cannot chat with other men about sports or cars or silicone breasts ? unless you’re talking about the real Silicon Valley which to them is much more exciting. The nerd is true, smart, helpful, loyal, and romantic. I could not ask for anything more and neither should you.