Things Your Mother Should Have Told You As A Child

Written by David Dylan

After writing 'Things My Father Should Have Told Me As a Child' I was ostracised from the dating community. Gangs of irate feminist protesters throw rocks through my windows, men the world over have taken out contracts on my life, hackers have invaded my computer and ordered bondage gear in my name. My Mac refuses to boot (but that may be due to a botched Linux install), Girls I dated all call to ask if I meant them (yes) and girls I never GOT to date called to ask if I meant them (yes, too). Models refuse to work for me and rumour has it that the W3C is changing all the standards so I'll be out of a job.

Me, wearing a squatter outfit
But they didn't find this picture, or I would be in real trouble.

Also, some people got mad at me.

So, I sit here, home, alone, pondering my errand ways. For starters; all humour aside, this piece was about general observations, not anyone in particular. If you feel the shoe fits, well... ask yourself why. Also, this piece was not about the minus 25 age bracket. Rules are different there, I vaguely recall. And if I take out my wallet for someone in that age bracket, it's not a "let me pick up the tab" thing, but a "you are broke, I'm not" thing.

Someone suggested I should write my piece aimed at women. I felt it not my place, as a proud penis-bearer (last time I looked), to tell women what's what. But, having loads of time to think about it inbetween cancelled booty-calls, I did come to see the merit in sharing some male insights with the non-male crowd.

So, here goes. Ave Imperator, morituri te salutant.

Gladiator getting executed
I know how you feel, buddy.

Things Your Mother Should Have Told You As a Child

Feminism is a double-edged sword. It took us only a few centuries, but us guys have come to accept that you are our equals. For the most part. In polite society. In the west.

You want equal pay. Fine. You want to be treated equal, no issues with that. You want the toilet seat up... well, ok. But with great liberation comes great responsibility. The fact of the matter is that many societal norms and customs were replaced with... well, nothing. But they were not all asinine and dumb. Within context, that is. Many of the role models and restrictive rules were aimed at protecting you from rape, battery, wearing colours that do not match. You want to put your elbow on the bar and hoist your glass like one of the guys? Fine, know your limits like one of the guys. And herein lies the problem; many, many, women do want the equality when it comes to the benefits but also want to stand around with big puppy-eyes going "ooh, you are sooo strong" when we fix the drain. A thing, as I noted about computers in my previous piece, we also not use our penis for.

When we point out the above, we run the risk of getting detached from our man-parts, as evidenced by some of the responses I got on my previous piece. But try to deny it, please do. I can list a number of co-workers, ex girlfriends, dates and just general female friends who are exactly like that. Women with otherwise exemplary non-role-model lives, soldiers, managers, factory workers...

The equal pay is earned with equal performance. Please find the WiFi settings on your own, thank you. I will say this once, and only once; the thrash goes at the curb and a blocked drain means there's stuff in the pipe. Pipe screws loose, stuff comes out, pipe screws on again, it's a simple three-stage process and does not involve any act for which external sexual organs are required.

I will be clear about this; as far as I'm concerned the differences between men and women are purely biological, and even those differences mean Jacob Excrement in daily life because averages are a fiction.

Just do not cherry-pick your liberation.

On with the insights into the male psyche...

A few pointers:

LARPer, looking busted
Shit, busted!

A few simple rules:

Tactics the circling sharks employ:

Good, on to some more rules for not chasing away the non-rapists:

Avoid guys bragging about:

Girl, made up like Igor
Love the eyeshadow! Now show me some skin!

Feel free to join the queue now, castrating starts at ten.