Things My Father Should Have Told Me As A Child

Written by David Dylan

You know the stories, songs, books and blog-posts that start with "My father took me aside one day and ..."? Well, the concept of 'fathers' was not a stable thing in my childhood. Mostly I had to make do with occasional, very occasional, letters and a phone call on my birthday. So I'm guessing that my fathers (biological, adoptive) didn't get much time for such asides. Besides, I was a pretty chatty kid, so they probably never got a word in edgewise.

Therefore, I learned all those 'man' things on my own. No, I'm not talking about sex. Yes, I pretty much learned that on my own too, but we all do, kinda. Unless your parents are the kind that sunny walls and blindfolds were invented for.

Here's what I learned. Use it only for good, kids.

You mean they are only after my body?

Some other phrases I have tried and that have completely failed to register:

Both may be taken literally without any indication.

Women are not as roundabout as men. Women will gently steer you away from where you want to go, rather than be blunt about it. This often also has to do with them simply not grasping the fact that a nice guy may still be a suitor. They may think you just want to be friends, so they don't want to offend you.

Some key phrases that should put you on alert:

Women will gladly complain about men. Especially to other men. But consider this; if they have all these things to say about the "wrong type of guy" it means they have been in a relationship with one, probably more than one. It means they are habitual wrong-guy-daters and since you are not one, your chances are slim.

Wrong-guy-daters operate from a template in their head. One girl I knew explicitly stated, ad-nauseam, that she liked manly guys with long hair and a "rocker" appearance. In short: bartenders, construction workers and unemployed losers. Don't be offended if you happen to fit this mould, but the sad fact is that there are very few career opportunities for heavily tattooed, long haired, men in this world and pretty much none of them require much IQ.

Me, in the dotcom era, and yes, I made a bundle.
The dotcom era was an exception.

You don't fit the mould, so you have been friend-zoned from the get-go.

Wrong-guy-daters do not understand the concept of "Down dating". They will defend their date's intelligence even if it is so obviously his dump stat he might as well be wearing a sign "do not feed".

Trying to woo a wrong-guy-dater will set you up for pain. You will be the guy whose shoulder she cries on when she's been beaten, (date) raped, treated as shit or knocked up. You will not be the guy in her pants. That will be the guy she is crying about.

Beware of any woman opening up to you. It means they are letting their guard down, and while this may seem like a good thing, if it happens too soon it also means they think of you as a friend. Women do not date "friends" for the same reason men don't; "friends" is the stage beyond "potential date". Also; do you bear your heart to someone you want to impress? No, of course not. Your dark fears and secrets are reserved for someone you love, and who loves you back. Or close friends. You have just gained a friend, a good thing, but give up hopes of 'dating'.

Men and women lie in completely opposite directions about the kind of mate they want. Men are expected to howl and whistle at big tits and ass, women will claim to want a nice guy. Truth is, the ape-men get the girl because women are just as shallow as men.

Do not brag about your ability in:

This, also, does not count.
girl with party hat and fake moustache
Nice try, let's see some ID.

By the way, you know who you are, good luck with that issue with your little guy, eh?