Me on houses...

Written by Kim

You may be wondering what this "me on houses" means... well it's not really about houses per se, more about people and their shittiness factor. Warning: I'm still really doped up on NyQuil. In fact I took some more. I just got out of my shower (an amazing wonderful shower) and I came downstairs and sat in my chair and looked at my television. It's the only way I can tune out the rest of the family noise.

Guess what show is on? 'House Wars.' The first visual that comes to my mind is two big houses fully installed with huge machine guns in the windows, steel siding, a giant helmet shaped roof, and the houses are shooting at each other trying to destroy the other. I'm thinking that could be pretty cool, but is that what the show is about? NO! Four teams of people are redecorating houses that aren't even theirs as a competitive game. STUPID!

Why are people constantly trying to improve the shittiness of their houses? And these teams get hardcore into this 'game' too. One team got 'evicted' because they didn't save their receipts and they were leaving and crying and hugging the other teams. SAD! Luckily the channel was changed, but before it was I got to see the teams and their new 'assignments.'

The three remaining teams had to decorate a family room. They got all kung-pow with it and got a whole sketchbook and raced out to the store just to find the oh-so-perfect colors to paint the rooms that they would never sit in. I mean these people get gnarly competitive! It reminds me of a quote I read somewhere about suicide. It was something like this... "Don't ever kill yourself, but if you ever seriously get to the point where you want to die so bad you'd take your own life, make a drastic change in your surroundings. That's what you were looking to get out of death anyway..."

Man so THAT'S why people paint their houses! They want to make their homes look bigger and better and different and oh-so-perfect so that they don't want to kill themselves. This, I support. However, anyone who would get on a television show competing on who's family looked better splattered in paint and passed out over a bucket of lacquer, in my book, SHOULD kill themselves. It might make the world a little smarter or something.

Everyone has seen that coffee-mug poem about how "it wont matter what car I drove or how much money I had etc. in 100 years because I helped a child." The people who are getting all happy with their families and painting strangers living rooms probably have those coffee mugs. But they don't take heed.

Everyone is still SO worried about what their homes LOOK like, spending a television show's entire budget making their bathrooms (the place where they SHIT) look like a 'Mediterranean Paradise' instead of donating all that time and money to some Mediterranean family who lives in a cardboard box in the middle of a dump (also known as town). C'mon people! What's really important here? I'll bet fat people with too much money in the bank watch that show and feel inspired.

They get all happy and hire poor Mexican boys to paint their living rooms pink and yellow every year so that they can have Easter at their giant homes. Those fat people have fat spouses with fat wallets and fat kids that go to school with their fat lunchboxes and sing in the fuckin' glee club. I hope those fat, inspired, rich bastards all take a big bite of their inspiration and choke. Those bastards.

If I could paint my room on television and have a thousand dollar budget paid for by some television bastard, I would paint it white, and tape one picture of a lighthouse on the wall, then put a metal chair in the middle of the room, and a tattered-towel pallet on the floor in the corner. Just to spite the whole idea of remodeling on television. I would take all the rest of the money and ship it to Guatemala where people need it.

But then again, if I actually did that, the fat television producers would call it 'art' and start a whole new series on "How-to: Downplay your rooms and make it look like ART!" Yipee! Man, if I ever saw anyone in my town redecorating their house with a camera crew on the front yard, I'd burn the fuckin' house down.