Apostrophic Alliteration

Written by Melissa DeWilde

Part I: Apostrophic

This past Saturday was witness to one of the proudest moments of my life. I made a difference. A small, anonymous difference, but that doesn't matter.

About a week ago my mother and I stopped at a local ice cream shop, one that you wait outside among little league teams and harrased parents. As my mother and I were standing in line, I noticed a sign on the window: "Now open Sunday's".

I immediately went off on a diatribe about the misuse of the apostrophe.

A few minutes into my rant, a man sitting on a bench asked what was wrong.

"There's an apostrophe in Sundays," I said. "An apostrophe denotes possesiveness. There shouldn't be one since it's just plural."

"Oh," says the man. "Is she an English teacher?" he asks my mother.

"No, she's just weird about apostrophes."

He seemed interested in this but remained on the parkbench while my mother and I get our ice cream. While we're sitting in the car eating, the man goes into the building. I'm all excited about him apparently working there, but the sign is still in the window. Plus, we notice an additional sign on the street, like one you'd see in front of a house for sale, with
the same legend: "Now open Sunday's". There's another on the other side of the building.

I rant a bit again, shaking my head at this horrible affliction that seemingly affects half of all english speakers (and writers). And these signs look professionally done, unlike the PC made sign in the window. You'd think that people who print signs for a LIVING would have at least a rudimentary knowledge of punctuation.

But then, last Saturday, while visiting the same ice cream parlour and planning on ranting a bit more about the signs I see they now read "Now open on Sunday s".

A victory of the English language! And a small one on my part. I made a difference. I swelled with pride and grinned like an idiot for a day or two.

But one small correction in a town full of shit like that isn't much of a victory. I see apostrophes where they shouldn't be almost everyday. And the days I don't see one is the day I see a word lacking one. If I can change it myself (by way of white out or a properly colored pen) I do. As a nod to Jason MacIsaac's "Being Mis-Quoted" I have a habit of coloring in the quotes on a sign that reads 'Find the Right "Bra"' in a local dressing room. Quotes bug me too, but that article has already been written.

Part II: Alliteration

Americans are all about alliteration. Which is fine by me, as long as you don't change the spelling of a word in order to make an alliterative phrase.

There are numerous restaurants named The Kountry Kitchen. Or stores called Kids' (or Kids or Kid's) Korner. Now, I can barely understand why someone, for the sake of cuteness or memorability, would change a letter. But what I cannot fathom is why there is a restaurant in this county called the Korn Krib. THE KORN KRIB! Now come on, people. Corn Crib would've been just fine for a name. Especially for a restaurant in a frickin' grain elevator. (Yes, that's right. Two grain elevators, in fact.) Why would you change both first letters of something? I could go on for hours about this, and only say what I've already said. So I'll stop in a minute.

The one exception, because you have to have them, is Krispy Kreme doughnuts. That shit's so good they can spell their company name however the hell they want to. Plus they spell doughnut right.