While browsing through back issues of CoN, I noticed an article entitled "Why Guys Don't Call" and the associated comments from females about the struggles we have with whether we should call or not call. Whether it's with our current boyfriend, a guy we're dating, a guy we like, or ex-any of the above, what I'd like to address is, WHY do we women have such a strong desire to call?
Are we just nuts?
I say 'we' because I find myself in a 'to call or not to call' situation. The short version of my story: A guy I was dating (fairly casually) for over two months broke up with me because he wasn't ready for a commitment he assumed I wanted. Weeks have passed. I haven't called since he broke it off. However, I've certainly wanted to (many, many times) since it ended, even though I'm not exactly sure what I want to say.
Now ladies, some of you are thinking, "good for you for not calling!" But I find myself thinking, "Why do I still WANT to call?" So much time has passed (since it ended) and it's not as though we knew each other for very long in the first place. Aside from the fact that I like him a heck of a lot and we got along wonderfully, I rationalize my desire to call exists because I never got to say "my side of the story" in the break-up. I say to myself that he had misconceptions about me and what I wanted, and broke up with me based on those misconceptions. And somehow things will be better if I spoke to him and got a chance to "clarify" my feelings. And you know what? Part of me really believes that's true (but I concede I may be wrong).
Now what I want to understand is why do I still want to call when I don't really have anything to say? There is no way for me to tell him about his misconceptions (or my perception of the situation) that will make him understand where I'm coming from. And no way I'd come out of the conversation looking sane. More importantly, nothing I say is going to change the present situation. Logically, my brain knows that. However, my heart isn't as smart as my brain. And, my gut is too busy watching my heart and brain duke it out to have an opinion. I think ALL women who find themselves in a situation where they want to "clarify" something with a guy KNOW that no good will come from them calling him repeatedly and trying to explain themselves. (Yet we're all guilty of doing it at one point or another.)
The bottom line is that it doesn't matter if we call or not, if we explain ourselves or our side of the story, or if we attempt to get closure. A friend of mine recently bestowed on me a nugget of wisdom I once passed on to her (after she had a painful break-up) and it goes like this:
"There is nothing you can say, and nothing he can say that will give you closure on the situation or make you feel better. You've decided the perfect thing for him to say, but he doesn't know what it is so he'll never say it. And even if he did, it won't feel right because he'll never be able to take back the pain he made you feel."
She ignored my advice (as would anyone in her situation) and called. Apparently I was right.
So back to the question: Are we just nuts for still wanting to call? Or email? Or SMS? Or...
I certainly am. Would I be writing this otherwise?