Rolo 1:2

Memoirs of the Office Bitch

Written by Rolo

It has been nearly four months since the mighty corporation smote the humble Office Slave (Level III) from the annals of its payroll. I am loving every minute of it. I would like to say that I learned very little from working in the bowels of a large corporate firm. Sadly I learned a lot. I learned from everyone and excelled in many fields, among which: Office-Fu, Superior Time Wastage, and how to effectively scavenge.

The ninety-seven cents letter openers are perfectly weighted to be used as throwing daggers, as much must be sharpened as soon as possible. The Office Kitchenette automatic can opener is the best method to sharpen letter openers. When asked why are you sharpening them, claim that its important to open your letters as fast as possible for distribution. Har.

Tedious things such as sending courier packages to Quebec can be made fun by translating the address into English and then sending it. Oh they hate that.

When ordering supplies by fax, make sure you write things like Ordered By: Lord Rolozor - Destroyer of Naggaroth the III. Just to see if they write it on the receipt slip. Call them to verify the name on the order too.

When the UPS guy comes to drop shit off and gives you his scanner computer to sign. Take the stylus pen and doodle a little pretty picture instead of your signature. It will make his day if you make sure you draw little birds in the air and a smiley face on the sun.

Sending packages across the border can be shipped easily with much fun, by (regardless of the size and shape) referring to it as "documents only"

A photocopy/printer/fax room and kitchen make a great training ground for martial arts. Do not simply fold up foam board and cardboard. Axe-kick and stomp them. It's fun. Try it. You'll like it.

Do not simply close kitchenette drawers and cabinets. Instead, go Chun Li-Bruce Lee-Jet Li on them. Your skill will improve. You will be the warrior monk of the office Kitchenette. "You strong. We Fight! Now you die! "

Office Fu: Anything can be turned into a weapon to sharpen your martial prowess skills. Large paper roll tubes make great make-believe rocket launchers or weapons of death.

Large metal rulers make awesome floppy Chinese swords. Here comes Crouching Office Clerk, Hidden Fax Machine!

The term "being on lunch" means nothing to your superiors. Regardless of what delicious meals you may have in front of you, your superiors will dump their "urgent" work on your desk so they can go out for lunch.

Old monitor boxes make fantastic super sized dice! Hand-cart trolleys make excellent scooters.

When you are a mere peon-underling it helps to scavenge. You must develop a keen sense of smell, taste, and prearranged codes with your fellow peons. When meetings end, signal your fellow scavengers by crowing and flapping your arms. Descend upon the expensive and tasty catered food and quickly pick the choicest pieces for your hoarding. Ensure prompt warning by bribing receptionist with sweets.