A Man's Survival Guide to Dating

do yourself a favour: don't bother

Written by Lord Lansdowne

So, you've been single for a while, the last relationship you had lasted seven years, and you haven't dated since that one began. You're starting to think that, perhaps, it is time to look for someone to fill that vacancy left in your life...you know, that special someone you can trust, tell your secrets to, have long, intellectual conversations with. A soulmate who will stick with you no matter what, because they love you for who you are and not because of the car you drive or your income level.

I'm not sure what kind of fantasy world you live in, but do yourself a favour: don't bother. Stay single.

Trust me on this.

Since you're not going to listen to my advice--I don't listen either, so don't feel bad--allow me to offer some points and suggestions, meant to avoid any extreme trauma in your dating experience.

  1. If the person you start going out with can't put a sentence together, or spell commonly used words, you're in big trouble. Even worse, if she uses "u r" instead of "you are," along with copious amounts of "lol" and "rotfl," run away.

    When I write the drivel I write, like the senseless articles you see here, it is a conscious stream of my thoughts. Often, my thoughts form complete, fairly coherent sentences, demonstrating my ability to present ideas capable of being shared and understood by others. If a person can't type out their thoughts to you, instead offering text that looks like they simply slammed their forehead on the keyboard repeatedly (before hitting "Send"), it is a definite sign of an enfeebled mind. You will have a problem communicating on the most basic of concepts. Leave her now, unless you enjoy working with mental feebs and utilizing childlike parlance.

  2. If you go out with a woman and she can't shut the fuck up about her previous boyfriend, answer the first incoming phone call on your mobile this way:

    "Hello? [Pause] She did what? [Pause] I'll be right over!"

    Tell your date that one of your friends tried to kill himself and that you've got to go. Exit stage. Alternatively, you'll sit there and listen to the same story, date after date, and contemplate creative ways to kill yourself--assuming your brain hasn't engaged its automatic emergency shut-off already.

    On the bright side, once they're finished opening up to you they'll probably never return your calls again, due to the embarrassment of already spilling their beans with you.

  3. If the first thing a girl tells you about is some past trauma, leave immediately. It won't be the last time she brings it up, as it will become a defence for any really weird behaviour she'll soon start displaying.

  4. I once went on a blind date (my first, and last, I may add). If someone proposes you go on a blind date, kill her. Then tell her it's not a very good idea, no matter how well they meant.

    If you do go on a blind date, bring a silenced weapon. If your blind date turns out to be an immature, obnoxious, annoying twenty-seven year old lacking personal hygiene skills, with no concept of common courtesy, kill her. Then go to the friend that set you up and kill her (or him, accordingly).

    Then set yourself on fire, to erase any evidence of the evening from your body and soul. The police will never be able to question you and nobody will ever know about the horrific experience.

  5. If you go out with a woman who appears to live in her own little universe and talks about some really weird-assed shit that has you thinking "what the fuck" more than once per date, run away. You'll end up running away eventually anyway, so just save yourself some time, money and effort and run away immediately.

    If she seems normal at first, and you like her, she really isn't normal. Wait until she becomes comfortable with you and shows her true colours. If she actually is normal (though that is still debatable) she probably doesn't really like you.

    Either way, plan your escape route in advance by having at least one friend call you within thirty minutes of the start of your date, using a handy Ready-Made Excuse (patent pending). Failing that, keep the twelve-gauge handy with the choke set on spread.

  6. If she seems normal, but you don't like her that way, rest assured she'll have the hots for you. You'll say "I don't feel the same way" and she'll hear "Please pursue me with more vigour, why don't you?"

  7. Don't date women with the zodiac sign of Cancer. Maybe this is generalizing, but I call it experience. I've met quite a few and all are messed up beyond repair. And by "beyond repair" I mean that you're wasting your time. They cannot be salvaged.

    If the woman you go out with seems to be depressed nine out of ten times, ask her what zodiac sign she is. She'll inevitably tell you she's a Cancer. They're also extremely touchy, so if she makes a joke and you joke back, expect her to take it the worst possible way and rip your throat out.

    Disappear, or she'll never leave you alone. If you've given her your number, invest in call display or change your number. Now.

  8. You're twenty-seven years old and you're single because your relationship ended with the same love and tenderness of an Israeli tank tearing into a Palestinian home. This means the market leaves you with other people in your age group that fall under one of the following categories:

    1. No dating experience, since nobody in their right mind would date them. Just as you know that fire burns, without having to touch a flame, act accordingly;

    2. She's perfect, beautiful, charming, with a fantastic character--and dating some other guy;

    3. Single, but has had plenty of experience, subsequently divided into two more categories -

      1. Seems to act as if her last relationship was the be all and end all of relationships. Your shoulder is always soaked by the amount of time that she's been crying there. (Don't forget to pat her on the back and say, "there, there," while you devise a foolproof body-disposal plan.) This girl is more messed up than Florida voting machines. And despite the fact she'll go out with you, you'll be constantly reminded that all men are evil. Change your name to Kleenex.

      2. Has learned from previous relationships, grown and become a shining icon of maturity. She has a clue as to what she wants and possesses an excellent personality.

        (This is considered a theoretical category, as I have yet to meet anyone from this group.)

  9. A girl you don't like likes you. In one of many attempts at winning you over, she gets drunk and tries to have sex with you, thinking that sex for a man has the same emotional side effects as for a woman.

    Run away. Change your number. Change your name. Move to a new country.

    If you have sex with her, she'll never leave you alone. Since you've shared such a fantastic bond together, how could you not care for her?

    As I am not completely retarded, I've avoided this rouse.

    Naturally, if you don't have sex with her, she'll never leave you alone, baffled by the fact that you, as a man, turned her down. This is particularly true if she's superficial enough to base her entire personality on her extremely good looks. Sometimes you might come to the realization that you can't win this battle, and may be forced to have sex with her. It's your call...but be careful.

  10. The phone rings. If you answer, it won't be the one person you want it to be. In fact, it's probably the last person you want to hear from. Groan loudly. You may believe that if you don't pick up you will miss a call from the woman you've built a shrine for. However, since such a woman does not exist, don't answer your phone. Ever. Unless you have call display and you recognize the number.

  11. If a girl you've gone out with, who seemed genuinely interested in you, suddenly disappears, won't return your calls, pages, or e-mails, don't bother pursuing her. Someone has told her something and scared her off. All of your assumptions as to who this certain someone is, and why they would do such a thing, are always correct. You're better off, believe me. Both have done you a great service and they know who they are.

  12. If you go out with someone and you find yourself comparing your current date with your last girlfriend, and your last girlfriend (despite everything) still manages to come out on top, you've got a problem. Strap on the chute, salute and bail out now, soldier.

  13. One of your friends decides that you've been single long enough, signs you up with some online dating service and builds a profile for you. He then proceeds to contact a bunch of "compatible" women. Then your inbox is filled with strange e-mails from people you've never heard of before.

    Don't go out with any of them, no matter how intriguing their profile seem. This is particularly true for people seeking "honest" relationships, put "average" as their body size, though look like something you'd land planes on in a navy carrier group (except bigger, and with their own gravitational pull). I used to consider myself "heavy," yet I have an unobstructed view of my genitals without the aid of a wall-mounted mirror, thankyouverymuch.

    The old-fashioned approach works wonders in spotting problems fairly quickly, in a way online dating cannot. The way I look at it, I don't shop online for anything, so I wouldn't be caught dead e-dating.

    [Added warning sign: Some state that they want an honest relationship, yet won't complete the online profile.]

  14. If dating came in packages, the Health Canada would require the use of warning labels. Some suggestions:

    "Dating her will cause you to drink more."

    "She truly is insane."

    "Crack cocaine is a healthier alternative."

    "Don't give her your number. We're serious."

    "Dating her will lower your hopes for humanity."

    "Single means sane."

    "You will be stalked by her."

    "It's a trick. Get an axe."

Many smokers who have quit their addiction proudly boast about how long they've been toxin-free, how much money they've saved and how great they feel.

If anybody asks you if you're seeing someone, I suggest describing your dating status in much the same way.