Jackie Chan made me Cry

Written by Rolo

Movies are never meant to be more than one thing. The same can be said for a vehicles tires. Tires are able to help a car accelerate, brake or turn. Doing too much of more than one thing in any extreme usually results in a loss of control and a nice accident. In this case it was a terrible, terrible movie, that tried to mix a unique comedic kung-fu action style, teen romance, Disney love, with Mr. Bean. Mix with corn, blend in a gallon of lemon, and you get "The Medallion" starring Jackie Chan and Claire Forlani.

Either way, it's painfully bad and in both cases you feel the pain in your wallet, physical and mental being. Jackie Chan's latest installment, The Medallion is quite literally a car accident involving a quality Asian import on the North American road of success.

There are several grave problems with The Medallion. The biggest problem is that it is painfully and utterly terrible! Did I mention that already? Good. Because I cannot stress the suffering and agony I endured in writing this rant. Not only
because I adore Jackie Chan enough to want him to be my second father but because I informed my companion to "turn her mind off for this movie and enjoy the action." Sadly I could not. I had a level of expectation for this film and the breaker switch to my mind's logic center was duct taped on.

This movie actually drove me to do something I rarely do. Walk out. I cannot possibly call this a movie review as I only watch 45 minutes of it. It is more likely a warning to those who would attempt to watch it. Allow me to explain.

To be fair, Jackie Chan is good in this movie. From the half that I saw, he is still the classic "Joe Schmoe" character who kicks royal whoop ass. Not only that, but everything he does he does for real. His action sequences are done in his own unique style with no stunt doubles.

Jackie Chan is a master at what he does. Bar none. After the rise in stardom of
Bruce Lee, Chan knew he could not compete with the phenomenal success of Bruce Lee's style and appeal. Thus Jackie Chan did what he knew he could do best, do his own stunts and fight in his own goofy comedic style. This has been his method since Snake in Eagle's Shadow (1978). Jackie Chan has no equal other than his female equivalent Michel Khan (Yeoh). Movies like the Police Story series, Project A, The Legend of the Drunken Master (Drunken Master II), or Armour of God: Operation Condor, can be considered classics of the type of actions films that made him famous. http://www.jackiechan.com

And now, I shall dissect this stillborn lemon:

Wire Acrobatics - It's a little thing, but it's a big thing. Jackie Chan is a master acrobat. If you were enrolled in an ass whooping Chinese acrobatic school since age 6, would you really require wires to enhance your stunts? I mean it worked for Keanu, but this is Jackie Chan!

Claire Forlani - Hmm. Perhaps she would have better suited for a part in involving Super jungle, sweaty, animal sex..(thank you editor!) Rather than place her in a role as Jackie Chan's jilted girlfriend. As a rule of thumb a forty-nine year old (kick-ass) action star should not have a thirty-one year old "teener" actress as his chick. It made me cringe as much as Sean Connery making out with Catherine Zeta-Jones in Entrapment. (shudder) The gist: two different worlds, two different generations, very, very wrong.

Snakehead? - Excuse me? Maybe there was something lost in translation, but what is there to translate? This movie is made for the North American market and totally in English? Why in god's name do cheesy cardboard cutout bad guys still exist in the modern medium of film? I would like to say that we as a society demand a bit of intelligence or depth to our bad guys. Nay! At least change his name to Flaccidhead, Rubberhead, or Peckerhead. "Rog! I am Penishead, I want a medallion that grants me immortality and be eternally hard! Yarr!" Something more interesting would be nice please!

Lee Evans - What the.? Can someone please tell me why Mr. Bean antics exist in a
Jackie Chan flick? Jackie is funny enough as it is. If you need humour, just allow Mr. Chan to serve up fresh corny on his own. Or just bring in Samo Hung. Who would look more out of place? A chubby Asian guy who kicks ass or a miserable actor who pulls Jar-Jar-like antics through out a movie? This man alone, can claim the title of ruining a terrible film to the level of pure fecal puree.

Final suggestions for The Medallion:

To sum it up. I must do my duty and take this sad movie into the back yard, find a quiet spot and put a friendly bullet into this ill-conceived idea. I sadly must say this movie sucked. (Jackie Chan as always, does not.) Watch it once for the fight scenes only, fast forward the rest. Then watch the real movie you rented last, to erase any mind shuddering memories of this film.