The article that is so totally awesome

That giving it a name would undoubtedly ruin it

Written by Smitty-boy

My day started out so normal too. I woke up at the crack of noon, drank some coffee, ate breakfast, drank more coffee, ate lunch, drank more coffee, showered, and finished off what was left of the coffee.

That was, more or less, my daily routine all summer from 1 to 2. Either of the activities could be pre-empted or followed by even coffee drinking.

I won’t bother defending myself by saying that I’m not addicted to coffee because if I do I can almost guarantee my friends posting that it’s a filthy, dirty lie. Sadly, they’d be right. But in my defence I will say that the 1 to 2 rush can be a little hard on the body if you’re me. Anyone who knows me will understand, and I won’t say anymore to people who don’t than I’m really lazy and it hinders most of my actions unless I get that 14 cup kick in the arse.

Back to my day, and my now open coffee addiction, it was all down hill after that last drop of coffee. My mom walks up to my room, wakes me from my nap and says I’m going to get a job (bold it, italicise, underline it a billion times and put it in one huge assed font).

Time stopped, my jaw dropped, and I was starred down by the most evil, diabolical, underhanded, soul crushing look I’ve ever seen complimented nicely by an smirk on her face because she knew how much I felt like killing her. She smiled knowing she had just crushed my happy little world in which I am king and do nothing. I was devastated, and grounded until I at least put in an application.

I’ll spare you the details of the car ride to potential job # 1 and just say it was dead silent, except for the mass amounts of cursing going on in my head. So I'll flash ahead 15 minutes to subway. I filled out an application and gave it to the incredibly hot girl who was working there, ordered a sub, and left. Had it not been for her I would have no doubt sabotaged myself on the application (hobbies: FIRE?), but I didn’t because I really wanted to work there now. Let me rephrase that, I wanted to work with her.

I thought the job search would end there, but alas, four other sandwich shops followed. Maybe I would have remembered if it wasn’t for the thought of IHG (incredibly hot girl, which I was calling her by now since I didn’t catch the name tag since I got lost in her eyes. Or was it her chest? OK, we all know it was her eyes). But I sabotaged myself on the other applications, not IHG girls there.

Because no place has called it can only mean that A). I am not sandwich making material, B). They just aren’t hiring, or C). It was all a coffee-induced hallucination.

I now live day-to-day in fear of the phone call from any of the places, but at the same time I pray each call will be from subway. Laziness and my hormones aren’t exactly seeing eye-to-eye on this one. Coffee is sitting on the side waiting to kick both their asses because he’s on one hell of a caffeine high. Laziness is losing the battle because he doesn’t fight back most of the time. Come on, he’s lazy. Hormones immediately enlisted help from the libido and together are pushing laziness out of his entrenchment. Coffee is working freelance for hormones because his ideas often conflict with those of laziness and the two never got along. Laziness did get formed a quick alliance with the arms and is having them no longer come in contact with the libido, which has devastated libido’s morale. Laziness also tried to get the brain cells to organize a work strike, but it wouldn’t comply. He asked the neck to shake up the brain cells to get them to co-operate, and completed the axis of alliance with the legs to move the body close to a wall.

The stomach, while preparing its own counter-offensive, cried out to both sides that he fighting must stop because he was hungry, so there is a temporary truce, but the struggle could flare up again at anytime. I only pray the colon keeps playing the part of the Swiss as it could have devastating Hiroshima-like effects if it becomes involved in this turmoil.

Every time the phone rings I pray, but I’m still not sure what I’m praying for. It’s kind of funny, considering how my day started out so normal.