Jesus Loves You, Karma Doesn't

Written by Smitty-boy

The basic thing about Karma is that if you do bad things, bad things will happen to you. If you do good things, good things will happen to you. It's simple and makes sense.

I have a reason for pondering about all of this, and even though I don?t remember what it is, I?m pretty sure I had one. But Karma always follows a few simple rules; they are Smitty-boy?s Karmatic Laws.

Law # 1. Taketh and Receiveth

There is an essence of fairness to Karma. Helping an old lady cross the street will not mean you?ll find a 50 dollar bill on the other side, but more likely a quarter (American or Canadian depending on which country you live in). Also, not helping the old lady cross the street doesn?t mean you?ll be hit by a car on the way over. You?ll still find a quarter, but it will be American if you live in Canada and Canadian if you live in America.

Get it now? Good. You get a box Cap?n Crunch.

Moving on, if you killed the old lady before crossing the street, then you might get hit by a car. A police car. To take you to jail... or the hospital. Whichever.

Do you get that? It doesn?t matter; I already gave you my last box of Cap?n Crunch.

Law # 2. The Basket of Karma

Not all actions require an instant reaction (that sounds oddly familiar, oh well). Energy can build up after doing a good or bad deed, kind of like dirty clothes.

If you do a lot of good things over time, it can build up and one really big good thing can happen to you. In other words, after helping 50 old ladies cross the street, you find $20.

The same goes for bad things. After stealing from 50 old ladies, something might fall on your head or some other bad thing like that. Something like the anchor from Cap?n Crunch?s ship.

Law # 3. A Balance in the Force

Sorry if the title seems Star Wars-ish, but oh well. This doesn?t have anything to do with Star Wars. Sorry to all the Star Wars fans out there. I tried to think of something, but alas, I couldn?t. I really tried to think of something, but it?s so hard. Why do you all keep pressuring me to say something about Star Wars? What?s wrong with you cravenly obsessed people. I try to make you happy but I just:: breaks down and cry?s::

Anyway, the build up of Karma can be brought down simply by doing good or bad things. A build up of bad can be neutralized by acts of good. It?s pretty smart considering what could happen from a build-up of bad. But doing bad can bring down a buildup of good. It?s pretty crappy considering it?s hard to buildup enough good for anything to happen.

The way I see it, helping an old lady cross the street gets you 1 Karma point (and a box of Cap?n Crunch, now with Crunch Berries). Stealing something costs you the 1 point (and the box of Cap?n Crunch with the Crunch Berries). Thus, your back at zero so nothing happens (and you don?t get any Cap?n Crunch or Crunch Berries). If you stole another thing, you?d lose another point and risk repercussions because you?re at negative 1(and you have to give back the box of Cap?n Crunch I gave you before).

It doesn?t always work that way though. For helping the old lady she could give you five dollars, but for stealing whatever it is you stole (you damn kleptomaniac), the $5 will blow away before it reaches you hand.

The essential point remains in that you got nothing because your deeds cancelled each other out.

Law # 4. Karmatic Justice

The one thing about Karma is that you always get what you deserve. You can?t hide from it, it will find you. Karma is like the Mounties of whatever divine being there is (and they have Cap?n Crunch with them so watch out).

Karmatic conclusion

I feel kind of like Buddha right now, even though I?m not fat. Maybe I should rub my belly for good luck. No, people will just think I?m hungry or just ate (yum... Cap?n Crunch).

I?ve decided that since I tend to say ?I hope Karma bites you in the ass? a lot, I should get a dog and name it ?Karma.? That way, they can actually get bitten in the ass by Karma.

Maybe I?m not so Buddha-like after all. But if he likes Cap?n Crunch then we have something in common after all.

::side note:: Jay D. came up with the Cap?n Crunch idea. I just took it further than it should have ever gone. But still, blame him. ::end mission log side note::