Moby Dick

Written by Rev M.

The year was 1996, a friend and I were feeling a bit sad that neither of us had been laid (common American slang for copulation) in well over a month. Soon, we came upon a realization that if we preyed upon fat girls in the bars that we would probably get laid with a higher frequency than we had ever before. We made a plan to realize this vision and made the deal a bit more lucrative by placing a bet upon our hedonistic theory. The bet was then made: Whoever had sexual intercourse with the most fatties at the end of one month would win a bottle of the finest rum that money could procure from the other.

Now, I am not going into all the lurid details but there was this one poor girl that I remember quite well. In the midst of a completely out of control drunken state she decided that she wanted to come home with me. When we finally began our sex act and went at it like a couple of maniacs.She soon told me that it was her first time. I was unmoved by this admission and told her that I was in no way then going to take her virginity from her as I had just met her a few hours before and that I was a gentleman. I promptly turned her over and slammed it into her corn hole (common American slag for anus) - which she seemingly enjoyed.After which I gave the poor girl some song and dance about just being done with a relationship and that I couldn't begin another one and of course asked her to leave my home. This was the most necessary move of the whale hunt in that it would be impossible to lure future whales with other whales hanging about. Yes, it was cruel but it was a cruel necessity.

A bet is a bet, and I for one do not enjoy losing them.

The next morning with a terrible hangover I began to feel my sense of morality again. Feeling kind of somber about the whole thing I went downstairs for breakfast which consisted of beer and whatever wasn't molding over in the fridge and spoke with my roommate.

I said, "yeah I feel kind of bad about this, I mean the poor girl was a virgin and her first sexual experience was with an alcoholic loon that anally penetrated her all night long - I deserve to be shot."

To which my pal replied, "Dude, you don't deserve to be shot, you deserve a medal!" and then of course high fived me.

This gave me the sense of pride and encouragement that I needed to continue on in my hunt for the perfect whale, needless to say, I did lose the bet as the person I made the bet with beat me in sheer tonnage and the number of gals he swooned. All said and done we left approximately 10 fat girls with lower self esteem than they had before they met us and for that I am surely sickened. Sickened, but at the same time able to tell a number of stories that most people would probably be ashamed of telling. Fortunately for you, the reader, I am not ashamed at all.

Next instalment will be "How to have sex with an American redneck woman and still be hip."