Bring Out Your Dead

Written by Lisa Stager

It is perhaps not the most creative thing to do to ride on the putrefying coattails of somebody else?s five-year-old article, but in my state of Gevalia-enhanced Day Three Wall Bouncing Insomniac Binge, the most creative thing I could dredge up from my own melon was how to think up really great booger jokes that Dave Barry has not already told. There again, that coattails thing. Even the title is a shameless rip-off of Monty Python, wink wink nudge nudge say no more about coattails. I am sensing a disturbing pattern here but too far in the swack zone to give a good fuck and a swallow. So I?ll blast you with the full force of the Real Me, whatever that may be at the time, next time. [End of lame disclaimers.]

Like The Trouble with Harry, I just can?t get Leandro?s ?How to get rid of a body? out of my mind. I have no tips to add to that concise, well-researched, and practical guide. Kudos, my friend. (May I call you my friend? I?ve never spoken to or met you, but I am so turned on right now.)

Right. On to my point?

Who says you have to get rid of them at all? It's the Stanley Cup Finals, and watching the games alone is a little too pathetic even for me. As it happens, I have been a little lax about my corpse disposal of late. You know how it goes, one of them kicks off during a particularly strenuous bit of pony play and you just can?t bear to part with him. Then the next one chokes on his ball gag? and another one was too chickenshit to utter his safe word when I got the cock ring too tight? and so on, until before you know it you have enough of them for one offensive line, two D-men, and a goalie. I didn?t plan it that way, but sometimes fortune has a way of smiling on you.

For added amusement value, I chose to mix it up a bit when I called them (err, brought them) to wardrobe. One of them is wearing Red Wings 91 Fedorov. Betterov Dedorov the way he played this season. (Forgive me, that was beneath me. But then, so was Fedorov?) We have Vancouver?s Todd Bertuzzi. They used to call him the big horse. I used to call him? well, that is not important. It would be in very poor taste to reveal such an intimate detail. We have a Forsberg, a Hossa, and a Stevens. There I go lumping the three of them together again. That was always the way with those three? I will miss them.

My goalie is sporting the jersey of Anaheim?s Jean-Sebastien Giguere. An unfortunate misfiring sent my TV brick rather far off course, but at least it was a clean decapitation. You wouldn?t think Nerf would be capable of doing that, but I may have slightly underestimated how long I had been getting Jiggy with ole J.S. This was during game two, and I think we can all agree his head wasn?t in THAT game at all.

Right. Time for the moral of the story. If I ever find my morals again I?ll get back to you on that. I am so gonna regret this after I?ve gotten some sleep.