Death To Irony

Written by Smitty-boy

Alanis Morassette wrote a song in ?95 that was, in my and most other?s opinion, stupid. The song is entitled Ironic. I had forgotten, or repressed, this song until recently. I unfortunately heard it on the radio, but I forgot what station it was so I now risk hearing it again. But, as I listened, I realized how badly she needed a dictionary.

Irony is defined as a literary device for conveying meaning by saying the direct opposite of what is really meant. It is also something that happens which is the opposite of what you would expect to happen.

Now I?m going to have to go through every line and thoroughly explain how nothing in this song is ironic...

"An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day"

I?m sure the family will put "It?s ironic alright" on his tombstone. Irony would have been him winning the lottery and not quitting his Wal-Mart greeter job.

"It's a black fly in your Chardonnay"

No, that?s a stupid black fly for flying into the Chardonnay. I hope at least one of you drowns.

"It's a death row pardon two minutes too late"

That?s just bad luck. The fact that an idiot is elected as governor and can?t dial a phone is ... wait... that politics... never mind.

"Isn't it ironic... don't you think?"

Well somebody sure isn?t thinking.

"It's like rain on your wedding day"

That?s why we have weddings indoors. That?s also why we have the weather channel.

"It's a free ride when you've already paid"

It?s a refund you stupid bitch!

"It's the good advice that you just didn't take"

That?s ignorance. It starts with an "I" so you came close.

"Who would've thought... it figures"

I forget if she?s blonde. It would explain a whole lot of this.

"Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
'Well isn't this nice...'"

I?m sure that was his last thought.

You know, this song is so damn cheery. So far three people have died, a glass of wine and a wedding were ruined, and the dumb blond refuses to take advice. But it?s sung to a happy tune ::perky smile::

"Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you"

Life has a funny way of not giving dictionaries to people who need them.

"When you think everything's okay and everything's going right"

...So you write a song about unfortunate things you consider ironic.

"And life has a funny way of helping you out when" need a few billion dollars and you don?t deserve anything but get it anyways. Hey! That IS ironic.

"You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face"

If only her face would have blown up...

"A traffic jam when you're already late"

So blame to gods of irony!

"A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break"

I guess it?s not really a smoking break if you can?t smoke. It?s just violating company policy. I hope you get fired.

"It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife"

That?s what you get for writing a song about unfortunate things. Once again, real irony.

"It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife"

?Sucks to be you? as one of my friends would say.

"And isn't it ironic... don't you think?
A little too ironic... and yeah I really do think..."

Let me get this straight, you (Alanis) actually put thought into this song? You didn?t think once to look up the word ironic when you base the whole song on the word!? You stupid mother *expletive deleted* bitch. What the *expletive deleted* is wrong with you? I hope you *expletive deleted* burn in *expletive deleted* hell.

"Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out Helping you out"

... by giving you a billion dollars

by giving you a billion dollars

by giving you a billion dollars...

Nothing in this song is ironic(except maybe the fact that nothing is ironic), but rather unfortunate. Death isn?t ironic, it?s unfortunate. A ruined wedding is not ironic, it is unfortunate. Fly?s aren?t ironic, they?re an annoyance. Not taking advice isn?t ironic, its stupidity.

Alanis, now that you have your billion dollars, buy a dictionary. And never write any more songs... ever.