You Asked, We Answer

Written by Leo N.

In one of the last articles in CoN I covered the popular and disturbing queries that bring flocks of people to our site. Those were the types of queries most used and the disturbing collection of words in the query that matched something--usually completely unrelated--on CoN.

But, I asked myself, what are the rare queries? You know, the precious gems. The things that not everyone asks or looks for?

With the help of Colin, we sorted out through the logs and pulled out all the queries that were questions. Or at the very least, those that contained "Who, What, When, Where and Why" and we marvelled at the many possibilities.
And it will be my job to answer some of them.

Or at the very least, try to.

You?ll notice that some questions could reveal interesting information about the inquirer, or make you ponder what the person was going through when they sparked the infinite wisdom of Google with their dilemma. Others, you just wonder why nobody has noticed that they should be locked up.

The query will be followed by my attempts to an equally intelligent answer.

How I got started wearing lingerie

Since your wife found it in the car?

Why does my shit smell so bad?

I can only answer this with a question: does it smell worse than other people?s do? And who, in their right mind, goes and sniffs strangers' turds to determine the level of stinkiness of their own?

will i get pregnant if he has sperm on his fingers and fingers me

No. Be sure to blame any strange symptoms for the next nine months on gas.

when i pee it comes out in two streams

So your question is, which stream do you give priority to when aiming into the toilet?

how do i jerk off?

Gonads and strife my friend.

had sex with 2 men 1 used condom other didn't who fathered baby

Let?s answer this with an analogy. There are two bricks on top of a wall. One of them falls and hits you straight in the head. The other doesn?t. Which brick hit your head?

im a young man how do i seduce my uncle

Pinch his ass and say "herro sailor!"

female sex slaves who love to sail

As opposed to those that like to fly?

where were rollerblades invented

Early 1700s, in Holland, an unknown Dutchman decided to go ice skating in the summer. In the Netherlands, ice skating was the widespread method used to travel the numerous frozen canals in winter. The unknown inventor accomplished dry land skating by nailing wooden spools to strips of wood and attaching them to his shoes. 'Skeelers' was the nickname given to the new dry-land skaters. I?m not making this up.

hurts my right lung when I drink something

The straw goes in the mouth, not the nostril.

how do u pronounce luxury in frenc

It is written as "luxe" and it is pronounced as "loocks". Deluxe means "of luxury".

is chow yun fat's voice dubbed

No; his lips are just naturally out of sync.

how to create simple penis sucker

Easiest thing on the planet! Grab your trusty vacuum cleaner and off you go!

What was Mussolini's nickname

Mussolini viewed himself as the "DUCE", or leader, Fuehrer, from the Latin "dux", the leader of the army. (Italy already had occupied and colonized Eritrea, in Africa, prior to Mussolini's rule).

What the fuck is a crossfire hurricane

This one is tough. It varies from a collection of photos of the Rolling Stones down to vintage Japanese motorcycles.

why are guys preoccupied with sex

Preoccupied? Who has ever been preoccupied with it?

iam 14 teen and i just got fuck by 6 men what do i do

I am not entirely sure, as this never really happened to me. I can tell you what I would not do: I would not search for an answer on the Internet!


God says "because you pray in all caps" and he just deletes those prayers.

why do guys change speeds while having sex

There are two plausible reasons here: the first, because she keeps telling you to go "faster, faster!" and you aim to please, of course. The second, because if you don?t slow down it will never fail that you?ll get a cramp right when you?re about to climax.

how can i fuck my girlfriend from behind

Try the position of the goat--I kid you not--as described in the Kama Sutra. No bleating is required.

do male birds penetrate the female when having sex

Of course. But before they do that, they engage in some intriguing conversation about the taste of worms to get the mood going. Female birds _always_ fall for the part where they share a worm and their beaks touch.

how to take off bra

It is actually simpler than it seems. Most males just tug the clip in the hopes that it will come off. Unfortunately their minds are fogged by the package they?re trying to unleash. Take a moment to grab the two sides that end up in the clip and push them together. Magically, the hooks will come off and you?ll be free to take the bra off. Isn?t technology wonderful?

when you meet a girlfriend what do i suppose to say

You could start with "You look great today!" and then mention something about how they look thinner and their clothes look great. If you manage, try to notice if they did something to their hair. If you can?t tell the difference?and you won?t--ask them, but make the question sound like a statement.

how big is lil' bow wow's penis

Why do you think they call him LIL? Bow Wow?

what does nice rack mean

That the display upon which objects are stored looks remarkably good today.

how to get car oil out of my cat's fur

What were you doing with the cat in the first place?

what does albeit mean

Even though.

guide how to fuck goats

According to The Legend of Shellie the Goat Fucker, Shellie decided to satisfy her jollies by experimenting with a goat. She wore a goat mask and tromped naked on all fours bleating. It appears the goats were rather startled by this and ran off. You can read the rest of the story here to see how she managed to get around this slight problem.

So until your next search, remember folks, the internet isn't completely invisible: some people can see what you?re looking for. I'm one of them.