How to Write Like a Fucking Idiot

Written by Sean B. Palmer

I'm often asked how I manage to write like a fucking idiot, and moreover, why I should want to write like a fucking idiot in the first place.

Let me deal with the latter question first. If you be one for whom a split infinitive conjures up great fear (notwithstanding the many great writers who loved to gleefully insert adverbs into their infinitive), you will already know all too well the pain of writing like an elitist pompous arrogant pretentious anachronistic bastard. And, in the modern workplace, colleagues are most incommodious to say the least when you start to use words such as "incommodious" and "augment" whilst the boss isn't present?though "augment" itself is perhaps acceptable in its nominal guise, preceded by the word "breast". Anyway, my point is that writing like a fucking idiot is an essential skill that can get you down the social ladder pretty sharpish when you're tired of that taste of shit on your tongue.

Still with me? Good. That means that you're not afraid of vulgarity, and that makes my job much easier, for the first important rule in the art of writing like a fucking idiot -? before we go on to the physical techniques -? is to abandon all forms of logic and common sense. In lieu of these, you shall employ The Three "V"s, namely: Violence, Vulgarity, and Vapidity. Remember that it is a sign of intelligence to act with compassion, retain shocking ideas for special occasions, and make sense. You have to learn to let go, pigfucker.

You may now learn, use, and master the Five Highly Simplistic & Effective Rules; to wit:-

Six rules! There are Six Highly Simplistic & Effective Rules...

As you can see, with just these few simple rules, you can make an absolute mess out of your writing. But the best advice that I can give you is to simply study the words of the stupid, and mimic their devices. Stupid writing is everywhere, but if you fail to find any, try misspelling words in Google searches, and incorporate your own bits of vocabulary from your favourite idiotic subculture.

Or, in fucking-idiotese (admittedly extreme, as demonstration):-

my simple rules are teh best !!! tehy are the fuckers
and will make peeps TREEMBAL before u AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA> @ boan up on
tehm and they're sillines and then u can totally copy them and like steel
all their L33T powers !!! O NOE TEH BAD WRITING IS EVRYWHERE

Remember always, however, that you cannot judge a writer by their words. Hey, that person that you thought was a dipshit might just be blending their own excellent parody, perhaps now even using instructions from this very manual. But it could be worse: they might be using a non-native language, have received poor education, or be disabled beyond your reckoning. Anyway, just try to keep in mind that not everybody who writes like an idiot is one, and that writing like an idiot doesn't mean that you have to become one.

And, finally, if draughts of intelligence are still discernible in your diction, don't worry about it: the trick is normally to fool other idiots into thinking that you're an idiot too. If the intelligent can see through your act, save face and just take it as a compliment.

Either way, you can only win.