The following tale is one that involves my neighbour who happens to be a homosexual black guy with a deep desire to floss my butt with his willy wonka. So if big black cocks and homosexual cravings for young white guys makes you sick, please read the following.
My story begins with, me, coming home from a long day of looking at macro software do my work. I open my apartment door and I am greeted by a little note on the floor. The following was inscribed rather poorly on the back of a day planner page.
"Hi iam kerry iam 19, 5/6 long red hair green eyes 32d 115lbs I saw your briefly and I want to know if you want to have fun with me.
(followed by e-mail)"
Being the proud owner of a penis, I was immediately enticed by the possibilities. It's not every day that you get some young red headed thin big-breasted teen wanting you to have "fun" with her. Somehow though, almost miraculously, my mind gained control over my body. Which is an incredibly difficult thing to do considering my penis? super human ability to control my every action.
Once the old brain was back in power, I realised the absurdity of the situation. I also noted the possibility of the note being part of some devious practical joke orchestrated by my brother. I fell for the bait, I fired off an e-mail, and that's when my scepticism began its justification.?
I sent some along the lines of "What?s up, got your note".
The reply was from a Louis C********* (name withheld) from a sprint account with the following message.
"Hi how r u iam kerry iam not home now so i am using a friend pc yes my friend tould me about you i saw you bref and i think you are intrested so what r you up to do u mind the note sorryy to be so foward ok please relpy this is what i look lik iam 5/6 long red hair green eyes 32d 115lbs and a swimmer i go to ottawa U tel me more about you do u have a g/f and what do u like and stuff like that .."
Okay so what's up with the poor ass spelling. University? I guess when you got 32ds you don't need to know how to write, spell, phrase or punctuate. Secondly I understand yes, your contacting me from a friends place, but it's not like it costs anything to get your own e-mail account.
Hmmmmm, It's chin stroking time.
Okay, so Louis C********** is the person who owns the PC she used. Interesting... there is a Louis that lives downstairs. I quickly reference www.411.ca for a Louis C**********. Lo and behold, Louis C********* is the same guy that lives downstairs in app #1.
Now I must state something here, Louis is a nice guy... He's also gay. I don't see him much but he's always going outside with his scary ass dog. But I never figure him to do something like this, though he does have a roommate. I figured, whatever, she's Louis friend and she saw me at some point while she visited Louis. My reply asked if she's a friend of Louis' and if the letter was meant for me or my brother.
"HI yes this richard is it r you the younger one i saw you in passing r u up now do u have apic online and what do u think of me sorry to be so fowrad do u have icq if you do we can caht now let me know iam up and will be for a while ok let me know"
The weird part was the fact that her name (Kerry Rightman) was now displayed instead of Louis C*********, but the e-mail address did not change. This really didn't sit right with me. My suspicions where starting to solidify into hard evidence. Someone; most likely a roommate from apartment 1, was pretending to be a girl for the pure satisfaction yanking me around. Either that or they where trying to seduce me. But why would you approach a heterosexual with the possibility of heterosexual sex in the goal of obtaining homosexual sex. I didn't get it......not yet.
Consulting www.411.ca I look up Kerry Rightman in Ottawa. Nothing. Kerry Rightman in Ontario. Nothing. Kerry Rightman in Canada. Nothing... I type in Rightman for all of Canada. Still nothing. So this name is either incredibly rare or someone just happen to invent a last name that doesn't exist but sounds like it does. To make sure it wasn't the database, I entered the most fictional name I could think of. I typed in "Doubtfire" (a name that was made up by reading headlines in a newspaper in the Ms. Doubtfire movie) and I got several results for Ontario alone. I replied and gave her/him my number to see if he/she would call. Like a bluff, if she was really interested she would call. If she was in fact a man then I would know by the voice or the absence of any calls made by Kerry.
Then came the voiceless messages.
You know, I?ve been accused of being a stalker a few times after pulling a couple well meaning gestures. For example:
1. Changing the bus you take so that you have better chances of meeting and talking to a person you like.
2. Buying someone roses
It's all very subjective. What isn't subjective and is very stalkerish indeed, is the following:
1. Leaving over 8 voiceless messages in one day. Shit, that creeped me out.
2. Sending multiple e-mails a day asking questions like: (14 on December 12th)
- When are you coming home?
- When do you go to work?
- Is your brother there?
Being a pussy I don't confront Kerry's phone calls (which ring at least twice a day) and write an e-mail asking for her number and or online messenger service nick. I get both, but neither is "hers". The phone number is a friends cell and the ICQ number belongs to "her" brother. Okay. now so far I have an e-mail that isn't hers, a phone number that isn?t hers and her brothers e-mail.
Anyway, I tried to meet up with "her", naming locations I?ll be at and what I?ll be wearing. She never replied to those e-mails and never showed up. I was still getting voiceless messages on my phone from a caller ID block. And each time I answered the phone (after working up the courage to actually answer a week after they started) no one replied. I decided then to send an e-mail pointing out most of this shit. The reply I got was a real voice message.
Her words where:
"Hi this is kerry, I hear you think I don't exist, because my name doesn't come up in Ottawa phone book, I exist and I'm just interested in you, okay see you later"
WHAT. THE. FUCK. I called your bluff, and you get some 40 year old sounding lady to leave a message on my phone after you sent 2 previous voiceless messages (I assume this was done to check if I was actually near my phone). And, AND! All you do is reply to one of the many suspicious things that i confronted you with, and you got it wrong. I said ALL of CANADA.
Let me transcribe an e-mail "she" sent just for kicks.
"So y r u not chatting whit me o icq you r stil on ha "
- Kerry Rightman
What the FUCK is that? Half the letters are missing, NO punctuation, half a laugh at the end. Ha only works coupled with another Ha, not alone. Unless ha is like, "Ha I got you". But then you would have "phrased" it "Ha I gt U!1!!".
She avoided several questions. Where she lives and how she knows Louis C**********. The note she left originally seemed urgent, knowing this, why leave an e-mail? If you want to get porked, leaving a phone number seems to be the obvious path to take for doinkage... Also, I burned the note and gay souls came lisping out. She said she lived with her parents, then mentioned roommates later. Her last name doesn't exist anywhere! (no offence to any Rightmans, if you indeed exist). Nothing belongs to her. If all that isn't enough proof that something is up then strap on a dildo and ride me like your pappy.
Colombo, you can go home now, I think the local sheriff has things under control.
Paranoia hit me like a sack of lead when I had to leave home to meet up with...frr..frriienn...friends (I?m still not used to that word). I seriously feared for my anal virginity. So I scoured the house for possible weapons. I came up with a knife so dull it couldn't cut piece of warm steaming poo, and a 200-dollar, 9lbs, 1 and 1/8th "snap-on" brand chrome plated wrench. After careful consideration I chose the wrench. Not even considering the validity of the wrench as protection, but simply for its shock value as a weapon. Seriously, If someone came after me with a huge 9lbs, shiny fucking "snap-on" wrench, I would first think "Wow, this man spends good money on exotic weapons", then I?d be running in the the opposite direction with bricks of shit bouncing in my underwear.
So I jammed the wrench in my sock, taped the anal-expansion-preventer to my leg with masking tape and enjoyed an evening of beer drinking... Never in my life have I felt so fucken? paranoid. Protected, but paranoid.
You know, throughout the whole ordeal I was waiting for the topic of gay sex to sprout forth in our e-mails like acne on D&D player. I've been expecting it like the unwelcome visit from that uncle that drinks your beer, touches your son and sleeps on your couch for 4 weeks. I was expecting it since the beginning. Since, of course, I can't have woman after me... no.. oh noo... I have to have gay men trying to fuck. Gay men have been after my ass since the age of 16. Christ. When it did though, it opened a whole can of thick black veiny worms.
"do u know the black guy downstir he and i may bring his g/f her name is kim is that cool he like to get fuck you cannot tel anyone ok " - Kerry
"Okay, so originally I was fucking some guys girlfriend and you. Now I?m fucking two women and one black penis is going to be in my anus. Hmm... Hmmm... NO!!!!!" - Richard
"HI ok how about he blow you and u fuck me and kim" - Kerry.
Oh, I see now, a black dude sucking my dick is much better then having his mocha viper in my organs.
"I'm not homosexual! That means SPECIFICALLY, no sexual involvement with men. No touching, watching, intercourse, sucking... NOTHING!!!!!!" - Richard
"well sorry i thought u whnt to have some fun oh well if you change your mind let me know it is just for a short while com on iam all hot hor you " ? Kerry
Illiteracy really turns me on, look how hory I am ima ll sweety N hot 4 U.
She doesn't stop with the begging. So I insist she come up first, to see if Kerry actually exists. No go. I insist again. No go. Finally I go to bed and I wake up to this.
"You jackeass i was up this nock and no answer you like that it is not fair you know what thewell do u want i try to be nice but u r playing games so if u do chat whit me anyomr it is no proleam ok i though you where a nice guy and whant to have somefun ..>" - Kerry
Kerry gets remarkably literate when she?s angry.
And that was about it. I saved all the e-mail in a fag folder and moved on. Haven't heard from Kerry since. I haven't seen the black guy either. I have seen Louis. I doubt he knows. Maybe I didn't handle this properly. Maybe I fucked up several ways. But its over now and I live on waiting for the next fag to fuck around with me. When that happens I?ll dig out ol? wrench and live another month or two of total paranoia.
"At least your life is interesting" - Anonymous friend
"So was the life of a Jew in the late 40's" - Me