Written by capnasty

So I was minding my own business when suddenly, on ICQ, I get a message from the mystical number 1,000,000.

The message read as follows:

hey im from toronto too, just lookin for new friends and ppl to talk to check out my page http://www.expage.com/page/christypettinger its not porn its just a shit angelfire page...e-mail me or somthin

Now, this pisses me off. I reinstalled an old version of ICQ after database problems with Miranda. Since the original database from my old install of ICQ was corrupted beyond any repair, I decided to start anew and left the "accept messages from idiots finding you on the white pages" on, in order to repopulate my list. (I honestly didn't feel like sending out 80 odd e-mails asking for people to send me an ICQ message so I could re-add them).

Eager to find who the newly discovered idiot was, so I could rip them a new one, I went on a hunt. A quick search on the ICQ page confirmed that there was no such number. Reluctantly, I decided to visit the page, expecting porn, and well, I must admit that they were right in two things: it wasn't porn and it is shit.

The saddest part is that this webpage makes Geocities' homepages look like icons of dignity in comparison. Animated gifs, retarded language that makes me think this person has yet to pass grade 10 and all the classy signs that warn anyone loading the page that you've entered the realm of the mentally challenged. And if that wasn't enough, as you load the page, several pop ups flood your screen with the most retarded advertising ever, as you struggle to close them all.

The page contains some painful looking ramblings about her friends, sparkled with random LOLs all over the place (LOL = loser on line). I'm saying "her" because I'm getting the idea that it belongs to a girl, one with piss poor taste too, if I may be so blunt.

For your continued amusement, there is her "My all time fave poem!" page, in shock pink and vomit blue, which doesn't say much per se, but a lot about the author. And of course, aside from the most idiotic guestbook ever (which covers important elements like "which part of your body do you like/not like?" and "have you ever cheated on someone?"), a page talking about the author herself: the ever wonderful Christy.

Actually, reading the "Nicknames" section, which has entries such as "Heuy, fred & chris", I'm getting the idea that Christy may not be a girl after all, but a guy.

The page is littered with mind inspiring bits such as the "favourite quote" that goes "life is like a dick, once it's hard you f*ck it". Fortunately Chrissy didn't want to disappoint me with a least favourite quote stating "Minds are like parachutes, they only function when they're open", proving that one has to have a mind first, before they try to open it. Split, in this case, if I could help it.

To demonstrate how many times Chrissy fell off the highchair when he or she were little, the "fave thing to do" enlightens us all. It turns out to be sleeping, as she explains: "i like sleeping! it doesn't involve thinking!!". No shit Sherlock.

Ironically, with a page in asylum pink with matching stars, we're told how Chrissy don't like coloured hair. It makes people "LOSERS!!!". I wonder what this makes Chrissy, then.

Fortunately, my search was over, and I found her ICQ UIN, the real one: 69497873

Of course, I promptly wrote to her asking who she was and how she managed to spam me with a fake number. Seriously, I was curious. To show how innocent and really impressed I was by her site, I told him I was so inspired, I decided to write an Editorial about her page. She still has to reply, so I took my annoyance out on her Guestbook.

Rado Velev sent this URL shedding mystery all over the silly September 11th hoaxes that have been running around:


Mnemon wrote:

> Jeff is gonna be in the same room as David Lynch on> September 10th. How cool is that?!
CoN was out on Sep. 24th, I think the Sep. 10th remarkshouldn't have been there.

That's what I thought too, but then I said "fuck it", knowing that someone out there, someone who was going to be real anal retentive, would've probably pointed that out.

I was right, too.

Well, this issue was delayed because I was ever hopeful that our resident pervert, MilkMan Dan, was going to have his "Critique on Modern Porn" ready, but unfortunately, due to some movie he is shooting (he claims non-porn related), you will not be reading it. In fact, you probably never will, unless someone on this list admits they watch a lot of porn and are interested in writing an article for CoN. If you are so brave, give me a shout, I'll give you directions.