Internet Fascist Police

Help Stop the Stupid Shit that Stupid People Forward

Written by Lord Lansdowne

I'm beginning to think I should set up the Internet Fascist Police, or INFAPO, for short. The INFAPO would have a very simple job. Hunt down people that, armed with Internet access, demonstrate to the world how stupid they are. Then beat them senselessly.

As some of you may be aware, on September 11th, the whole terrorist thing popped up. The "War on Drugs" was quickly replaced with the "War on Terrorism" and we had to endure long news reports sucking up all the drama, making special reports and so on and so forth ad nauseum. I'm sure the rescue workers found it real helpful to have camera crews running around while they tried to do their job.

Fortunately some people caught this by the ball, and quickly found ways to make money out of it. That same night, various religious channels offered Prayer Hot Lines, where one could call and pray for the victims of the World Trade Centre, for the humble cost of 95 cents per minute. Or in New York's Time Square, where people immediately began selling "I survived the WTC" T-shirts. And of course, students that had a room with a good view of the ruins of the WTC, charged a modest $20 per person in order for people to take photographs. I'm always glad to see that death never goes in vain in this part of the world.

But here is where the INFAPO would come in: shortly after the news events spread, and CNN bombarded us with the "dramatic" footage from "ground zero", several dozen people began sending me the classic examples of Internet stupidity:

  1. I'd like to thank everyone that sent me the Nostradamus quote. There are a few things I have to say about this:

    • I find it amusing that some non-sense rambling referring to "twins" and the "city of God" could be associated with New York. Mind you, I always thought that God's city was Jerusalem.

    • Most of Nostradamus' predictions have come true about 50 times each already dating back about a zillion years. "When the City of God is surrounded..." Jerusalem? Surrounded? That happens about 50 times a week. In fact, if you're reading this article ten years from its published date, I bet Israel and Hamas are still dishing it out.

    • I did a quick search at the library in a Nostradamus book, and yo and behold, I found no such quote. Now unless someone would be so kind to point out to me where they got it, I could come to the awesome conclusion that it doesn't even exist.

    • I received it only 52 times.

  2. This one is a classic already: "the day of birth for an aeroplane is the day it is registered. And on the birthday of one Aeroplane its fate was written in the registration no of that plane. Did you know that a flight number from one of the planes that hit one of the two towers was Q33NY. In MS Word, type in that flight number, Q33NY. Enlarge the font size to 26 Change the font to Wingdings and there is the future written by destiny which u will see".

    Okay, let me burst this bubble from our Nostradamus Junior:

    • The flight number is not something that a plane is born with and keeps for the rest of its avionic life. It's the route the plane takes. And chances are, since planes need maintenance and such things to keep them in the air, that different planes may serve the same routes at different times.

    • There was no such flight number. The flights were Flight 11 and Flight 175.

    • I've got this one through e-mail and ICQ so many times I've lost count. Fuck off already.

  3. A letter is making the rounds, thanks to those idiots that will forward anything to everyone else without even reading it. To make a long forward short, and sparing you the insultingly ignorant comments, the e-mail rambles on about how we should be upset at seeing "Egyptians rejoice on television" after the attack. The letter, it goes on, should be printed and faxed to whichever Senator, asking for "an end of American aids" to, I guess, Egypt.

    • I can't confirm this at the moment, but as far as I know, Egypt is not receiving any aids from America.

    • The people seen celebrating in TV were actually Palestinians, most likely from the Gaza strip.

    • According to, this is old footage, showing the happy Palestinians celebrating the invasion of Kuwait, during the Gulf War (however the dates stated there collide with history). The URL is:

    • I only received it twice to date. I guess it's not as exciting as Nostradamus.

  4. "Let's pray for the people in U.S.A plz keep forward...i didnt start this msg...i also didnt stop it forward to everyone on your list"

    • Gee, thanks, had it not been for everyone that ICQed me this one, I don't think I would've known what to do.

    • What exactly is praying going to do? Sounds like a cheap way to save yourself the trouble to contribute with something a little more substantial.

    • I did not forward the fucker. Oh, I know! I'm such a bastard!

The INFAPO is now taking membership. Apply today! Fight Internet morons!