A Modest Proposal

A modest proposal for the removal of unruly high school students to impoverished nations.

Written by Robert

It is with a heavy heart that one walks though the public high schools of this country to see the halls crowded with rude, loud-mouthed adolescents mindlessly meandering toward the next classroom. Beleaguered teachers, instead of being able to follow their profession of imparting knowledge, are forced to employ nearly all their time and energy just attempting to maintain order in classrooms packed with ignorant ruffians completely uninterested in learning anything who as they age either turn to welfare and crime, or worse, become lawyers and politicians, for lack of employable skills, or continue to ungratefully leech the life-blood of their hard-working parents. Public high schools have become little more than day care centers.

I think it is agreed by the general populace that this enormous number of troublemakers and spoiled brats is the major contributor to the widespread deterioration of schools and, therefore, whoever could propose an effective and easily implemented solution to this problem would richly deserve the gratitude of the entire country.

The number of adolescents of high school age in this country is estimated by the census bureau at 20 million. Of these, I reckon, based on 25 years teaching experience, that there may be around 10%, or 2 million nationally, who are genuinely interested in preparing themselves for the responsibilities of adulthood. From this number I feel justified in subtracting 500,000 who are lost to drugs and violence. This leaves approximately 1.5 million adolescents nation-wide that could possibly benefit from high school education. The rest are an inordinate burden on the financial and emotional resources of every city, county and state.

Having occupied my mind for a number of years with this exceedingly grave problem and having thoroughly examined the various solutions proposed by overpaid clerks known as school administrators, it has become painfully obvious that behind their verbiage they have no answers. Therefore, I shall humbly propose my own solution. Those who are unused to decisive action are advised to withhold judgement until they have thoroughly considered the numerous advantages to society.

I have been assured by a highly placed government official of my acquaintance from a Middle-Eastern country that there is a great demand in third-world countries for young Americans to perform the work that up to now has been assigned to children. Due to their healthy bodies, adolescent Americans are seen as prime candidates for the type of jobs that the middle and upper classes in those countries prefer to avoid, similar to the American attitude toward their own immigrant workers.

I propose that the 18.5 million unruly American high school students be removed immediately to impoverished nations around the world. Some of the many advantages to this proposal are as follows:

  1. The American high school students will have many golden opportunities for learning about life first-hand. They will be able to test their infantile attitudes and arrogance against the standards of a less developed society where respect and integrity are more highly valued.
  2. As indentured servants the high schoolers will acquire valuable working skills in basic service occupations such as cooking, waste disposal, farming, fishing, animal care, garment making, vehicle repair and manufacturing.
  3. Those who are addicted to drugs and alcohol will find them more readily available, thus allowing them to continue their comatose life-style.
  4. Promiscuous high school students can indulge their immorality as members of the international sexual slavery trade.
  5. A larger number of bright students from impoverished nations will be exchanged with United States to be educated. A significant number of these will choose to remain in this country and invigorate the economy. Impoverished nations will also be strengthened by the young, energetic work force being sent to them.
  6. Only serious students will be enrolled in public high schools. Because of a smaller, safer and more studious environment and teachers who are allowed to teach, these students will excel, as they never have before. The same will be true of the colleges and universities, who recruit their students from the high schools. Increasingly intelligent populations will soon manifest social, scientific and spiritual improvements unimaginable under present conditions. Addictions to drugs, violence and sexual exploitation will all but disappear.
  7. Because of the smaller enrolment, fewer high schools, colleges and universities will be needed, greatly reducing the expenses of governmental entities nation-wide. Conversely, more funding will be available for the remaining schools. The unused buildings will now be available for government offices, homeless shelters and for public sale.
  8. There will be much more space available for the illegal aliens flowing into this country.
  9. Largely uninhabited areas, such as the Sahara desert, Russian steppes, Australian outback, the Mongolian and Tibetan plains, and the Amazon jungle, will benefit from the availability of American high schoolers for help in exploration and development.
  10. The third world exchanges and workforce augmentations can only lead to greater tolerance and understanding between nations.

Many other advantages will become apparent as this proposal is implemented. The idea is not without precedent. The practice of England and other nations of transporting socially undesirable people to other parts of the planet in the 1600s and 1700s led to the prosperous development of uncharted territories. Parents of the unruly adolescents who object to the removals will be transported with their children to the new lands. I have tactfully avoided mentioning their culpability for the behavior of their children. With the advancement of space technology, this program can be extended to nearby planets, such as Mars.