Friendly niche in the bird eco-system or death from above?

Written by Rev M.

Maybe it is something about the way they look when they fly. Possibly that they are unusual looking even by a bird's standards. Could be that they are just plain ugly but in any regard, I hate them. I hate everything they do.

I hate the way they fly, the way they roost, the way they catch fish, everything! They are stealing human babies from the storks and eating them! They steal jobs from decent hard working Americans. They were involved with the Nazis during WWII!

Who do you think helped find the allied convoys for German submarines? It certainly wasn't the seagulls! I can't see why other people don't get this.

Well, actually I can because all of my claims are utter nonsense. This is one of the things that happen whenever I promise I am going to write something. I start out with some bizarre idea such as why everyone should hate pelicans and then the humor slowly beads away like water off a duck's back.

You see, I believe I have a mental affliction that has yet to be named by science. That affliction is that I still find things funny, stuff that usually only twelve-year-old boys find funny. I get some word in my head, such as "pelican", and I use that word over and over again until I drive myself and everyone around me completely insane [I still remember the "turnip" moment -Ed]. I will admit that it is fun for a day or two to scream at people that they are pelicans. I mean what is funnier than screaming, "BACK PELICAN, BACK FOWL AND EVIL PELICAN!" at your boss when he comes up to ask you a question pertaining to your job?

It is however everyone's obligation (including myself,) to go to the joke and not through the joke... For those of you that actually know me, I apologize for my incessant ramblings about pelicans and all of the horrendous things that they have done to me and humanity.

What is even more irritating is when you come up with some brilliant (well maybe brilliant isn't the appropriate term) insane thing like this and then others start using it. It is ok to use someone's idiocy for humor a few times, but please try and come up with your own material, or at least add something to it!

I mean, I can only take this pelican thing so far! Damn, now I feel as if this probably isn't making sense to the reader. I highly doubt that I am making any sense what so ever. Which leads me to believe that there are most likely some in the CoN email list that have probably been influenced by pelican mind control.

In other news, I have been very bad about writing for other folks. And after reading this I am sure that they are now happy about that fact. Recently I have been told that my writing is so good *cough* that people actually want to pay me for it... This is a horrible thing to happen, as I never believed my writing worth anything. The first day I read this proposal I was elated... then some weird and heavy fear came over me... that would make writing a job of sorts and anything called a job usually means hours of meaningless frustrations and someone demanding more and more of you.

This is especially stupid because I know that any money received from this would be minimal. However, as dumb as I am, I am going to try it anyway. At least I will find comfort in the fact that due to my poor grammar that I will be an editor's worst nightmare.

Anyway, if everything turns out, I may finally be able to afford that shotgun that I have been eyeballing and initiate my one man crusade against the evil and treacherous-pelican.