The other day I felt extremely lucky and bought a lottery ticket. Of course I didn't win anything, I never do. But on the rare occasions that I buy lottery tickets, I start daydreaming about what I would do if I were ever to become filthy rich.
A friend of mine once said he would divorce his wife and move to the islands. He never won or moved to the islands, but he did divorce his wife. It reminds me of when I was married, I always thought the same thing... I ended up divorcing my wife... or did she divorce me? Divorces are confusing like that. Most people don't want to get divorced because no one around them wants them to get divorced. They usually end up doing it anyway, but not without a busload of guilt.
I remember a few times while I was married that I had fantasies that involved my wife being killed in a car wreck or maybe dying of some disease that would throw her from this mortal coil like a slingshot. These feelings were normal. Guilt from these feelings was normal. Why is it so hard to tell someone you don't love him or her anymore? I often wonder if everyone is as selfish as I am? Judging from all the people I know or have known I would have to say yes. When I was younger I was almost afraid that I was evil. I now feel that I am just a cynical person.
Anyway, I just bought this lottery ticket and I was fantasizing on what I would do with all this money that I would win. I realized that something in me has changed because I realized that I would pay off all of my family's and loved ones' debts and that I would buy my fiance a big house. Where did this big heart of mine come from? Now I felt guilty for never making this my first priority when I was younger! The human mind is a mess and if this isn't proof I am not sure what is.
Then I thought that it was all well and good to do this but what would I do after I had paid off all of my loved ones' debt? What would be next? I resolved that I would probably sit around and read and play video games for the rest of my life! How boring! So then, I thought that I would take my fiance? around the world...yes, traveling would cure boredom. Then I thought that sooner or later that this would start to grate on my nerves as I have already traveled quite a bit and sooner or later sight seeing is not what it should be.
Well maybe I could turn into a drunken old bastard and just write hateful stories and have them posted on the Internet. Two problems with that - One: I can't write anything worth a crap when I drink. Two: Denise would probably divorce me for being drunk all the time and take half my money and send me spiraling into an alcoholic stupor that would probably lead to my death!
But then the other tangent struck me: I would just find a barfly and we could drink ourselves to death! But of course since she would be a drunk she would be unbearable and probably end up getting syphilis from fucking around on me which would force me to hit her or something horrible like that and then I would have to find another woman anyway.
So the mean drunk isn't such a great idea either.
Then I came to a realization that I would never be content being filthy rich! But then again I am not content anyway. The greatest shame of life is being young and actually believing that you will grow up and be content. So, leave it up to a woman- a very wise woman- to sum it up for me. I had this discussion about this subject with my fiance? and she said, "Tim, you have to understand that there is an art in being bored and if you learn it you will at least be able to pretend you are content."
I took that into consideration and now I can't go to sleep because I am trying to figure out how to be bored! ARRRGH! What is wrong with me? It is a damn good thing that Leandro requested that I write an article for him, otherwise I think that I might have had to be taken away in the paddy wagon tonight.