Happy Birthday Bonzo

Written by Rev M.

Q: What do you give a ninety-year-old ex-leader of the free world for his birthday?

A: An interview with YTC

Now that we are well into the 21st century, we are compelled to interview a man who many American citizens consider to be the greatest man of the 20th century. That's right, you guessed it; our man of honor for this week is none other than Ronald Reagan. First off, let it be known to the vast amount of YTC readers out there all of the horrendous red tape that had to be waded through and all of the insane lying that had to be done to procure this once in a lifetime interview. At this very moment there are some very unhappy executives at NBC pulling together a legal team to have those at YTC who orchestrated this event castrated and then fed to grizzly bears. Also, we are currently in need of around 500 dollars to post bail for a strange event that occurred in a hotel somewhere in Santa Monica, but that is another story.

The interview began around 11:00 AM last Friday and concluded around 11:20 AM when the credentials held by our brave interviewer who shall remain anonymous became suspect and he found himself kissing some concrete poolside at the Reagan ranch. Luckily for him no charges were pressed for the false identification as of yet so he was able to deliver the interview in its entirety to you, the faithful YTC readers. So, without further adieu YTC brings you a morning with Ronald Reagan.

YTC: First off President Reagan, I want to thank you for allowing this interview.

RR: It is my pleasure young man.

YTC: I might also add that you look very healthy for a man of your age.

RR: It is my pleasure young man.

YTC: Excuse me?

RR: Do you believe in mermaids?

YTC: No Mister President I do not. May I ask you a few questions?

RR: Well, (laughter) I suppose a few of those won't hurt.

YTC: Thank you kindly sir. First I would like to ask how you feel about George Bush Jr. becoming president and if there was any advice you could offer him, what would that be?

RR: Well I always knew that the "W" stood for win. I suppose it reminds me of those times when I used to take Ron Jr. out to the stream to do a little trout fishing.. Well he was afraid of worms so it never did much good to take him but we did anyway. One time George hid in the bushes, as he liked to do, he was a secret agent, like James Bond with beady eyes and no women.

Then he jumped out of the bushes with one of those frogman suits on and scared little Ronny so bad he wet himself. Hehehehe. HOT DAMN! Those were some dog garnit good times. So George Jr. was laughing and calling little Ron a faggot and we all just laughed and laughed. Whew doggie! Then there was that one time we put little George on that SR-71 and had the pilot fly him to Iran. He thought he was flying to Houston! Ha! He will never live that one down. (At this point during the conversation he also waived off Nancy who had come from the ranch to give him his medication. Nancy rolled her eyes and walked away briskly)

YTC: OK, so what would your advice be?

RR: Well I would tell him what I told his father, that never forget that you CAN push that button if things start getting out of hand.

YTC: That's frightening sir.


YTC: Where? WHERE?!

RR: Lot of snakes out here on the ranch. Where's my Viagra, woman?!

YTC: Sir it is just you and I here.

RR: The poofle woofle's probably stole the Viagra. Just like they steal the silverware. ...shiny, pretty, sparkly silverware... Everywhere is the silverware! I have some for sale in the closet in the bathroom.

Shhhhh! No one knows! It can be our secret! You stand watch and I will run down the center, fake to the left!

YTC: ? UM?

RR: They never wanted me to touch the vase! And I did it anyway! I am Randy! Randy Ronny! GRRRRRR!

YTC: OK, well you brought up an interesting subject in Viagra. Are you and Nancy using Viagra to stimulate your sex life?


At this point President Reagan apparently jumped up and lunged at our patriotic interviewer. Alerted to this, the secret service agents thought that our interviewer may have been attempting to attack President Reagan and were upon our man like the wrath of God Almighty himself.

Which meant that our unfortunate interviewer was hauled off to some place in the desert and interrogated by secret service agents for the rest of the day. After reviewing the video and audiotape of the interview they had decided that Mr. Reagan was having another one of his spells and decided to let our journalist go. Fortunately, they somehow forgot to confiscate the audio. Which gave us the opportunity to bring this scathing and informative interview to you. We wonder if America will learn anything from this interview? Well, hopefully that it is a bad thing to let a man with chronic Alzheimer's go even a few minutes without his medication.

YTC: We lie through our teeth, you decide!