Written by capnasty

Welcome to the last issue of CoN prior the end of this millennia and the start of the next (I am already envisioning the flood of e-mails that will be arriving shortly after I send this issue proving me wrong).

We're about to mark Volume VI, and we wouldn't be here without the help of our readership that seems to have fallen in a state of paralysis. I'd like to thank all of those that haven't subscribed but simply set up a filter in their mail program to redirect all CoN to trash.

Yes, a lot of people have been complaining about our webpage. It will be up, soon, I promise. I know I've been promising for oh, a year now, but really. Our awesome master of programming Gard (http://gard.scriba.org) is working on the dynamic code as we speak and our Webmaster Colin is eager to get it up and running, while I sit there and whine like a little girl.

Oh and if you're interested, we have IRC servers running. You can find us on channel #scriba (usually never saying a word unless it's like 4 in the morning and we've had one pint too many). There are three servers you can pick from: irc.scriba.org, irc.capnasty.org and egress.capnasty.org.

Ellen Kokoris wrote to us:

OK, I give. Unsubscribe me.

Easy. If you scroll to the bottom of the issue, you'll see simple and clear instructions on how to do it. You may notice that we did it in such a way so that ignoramus like you don't have to check in the dictionary how to write `unsubscribe', since anyone under the sun should be capable of writing `leave'. At least, I like to think that humanity is that capable.

*The goat cartoon is stupid.

See, this gets to me. What did you expect? It's CoN we're talking about. Not Time magazine. Or even National Geographic. Is someone putting a gun to your head and forcing you to read the issues? If so, would that person please stop, since it is apparent here that we're causing much distress to the incredibly high IQ of a reader with our silly drivel.

*Story number 2 is stupid...can you say "DarwinAwards" or is the author such a dweeb as to have neverheard of them? Or more likely, he stole the idea andthinks everyone is too stupid to notice which would bea direct insult to you. (He never credits the D.A.)I've had to endure hearing the same DA storiesthroughout Dec and Jan for several years now, throughemail chainletters, radio, and TV. It's not like anInternet secret. Geez.

I'll let the author of the story respond himself. His reply follows.

Besides the fact that youchose to print it.

You're right. I should always consider the presence of future Darwin winners reading the issues of CoN and provide quality material their low IQ can allow them to enjoy. How's your lobotomy scar healing?

See Ya-(and don't print this letter)

And I didn't, cuz I respect your requests. Instead I posted my reply.

Graham Huber writes a response to Ellen Kokoris:

Ah, Ellen, Ellen. We would never print your letter, especially if you asked us not to. However, we are not above mass emailing said letter and a ridiculing response to thousands of CoN subscribers.

Sadly I have in fact heard of the Darwin Awards. I've read a few myself. But had I not, it might actually serve as proof that I have better things to do with my time than sit around masturbating to email forwards. Sounds like you need a hobby, Ellen.

Ellen is upset because I didn't credit the Darwin Awards for my piece. Uh, for what? Because two kids managed to get themselves killed stupidly and I want to laugh at them? Apparently, the event of 'stupid death' is now and forever a registered trademark and (c) 2000 Darwin Award, Inc. Well, damn, in that case we'd better call up CNN and tell them to stop airing all that Election crap already, since NBC *clearly* got there first. Shit, we should start mailing these cheques out to David Letterman for every Top Ten list of ANYTHING that's been produced in the last, um, decade.

You see, Ellen claims she's heard the same fictional DA stories floating around for years. That's peachy. But the thing with the kids really did happen, and only about a month ago. Obviously our friend Ellen, so well versed in the latest email forwards, needs to make a point of reading a newspaper once in a while.

Case in point:

I've had to endure hearing the same DA storiesthroughout Dec and Jan for several years now

Man, you REALLY need to get out more. Might I suggest a ride in a John Deere?