11 Noises My Roommate Makes

Written by Melissa DeWilde

Since the beginning of this semester Leo has been expecting a Mel Bitches About The Roommate article. And this is the best I care to come up with right now.

1. The Smack - The tongue clicking against the roof of the mouth, and the lips smacking at the same time. We can all do both, but the RM can do them at the same time. For no apparent reason.

2. the crack-smack - the sound of her eating sunflower seeds. the crack that reminds one of break bones, and the aforementioned smack. such talent. I once found a shell in my bed. Not as bad as the hairs on in my cups, but we're not talking about that.

3. the great-heaving-Shucks-Sigh - most often uttered whenever the RM enters a room, presumably because "damn, it's cold" or she's just plain beat. once said when it was deep in dreamland.

4. pssspasspsapssss - the sound of it reading. It can't do it in it's head.

5. the tongue click - the smack simplified. made when eating.

6. youknowwhatimsayin'? - said multiple times when on the phone, anywhere between 5 to 20 times per minute when it's the RMs turn to talk. I'm totally convinced that she doesn't know what it means, and it's become another subsitute for an actual thought, for example, you know and like.

7. The finger crack - Most often done in the middle of the night.

8. Aheeeeeebitchaintgotnosense/business - Squealed as high as possible. Used to describe friends or mutual acquaintances.

9. A Sample of Her (ahem) Music - (done to a bone shaking bass beat and some thing i can't identify, nor describe) "Suckin', fuckin' me, suckin', fuckin' you, suck 'n fuck my whole crew." I shit you not. People pay for this.

10. Various mummbles and advice to the TV - Much like the sound of her talking on the phone, but quieter. Most often witnessed during Jerry Springer or MauryPovich.

11. A door closing - The sound made when she leaves the room. One can diferentiate between RM leaving and RM arriving by whether sound #3 is present. I like this one.