Brilliant Solutions

Written by Reverend Martinez

Everywhere we go these days we see nothing but the consequences of brilliant solutions to the most challenging problems life has thrown at our human race. We overcome. We are survivors. We thrive despite the rampancy of AIDS and Thai food. So on that glorified view of Homo Sapiens everywhere, let me begin my rant.

Brilliant solutions have fished us as a species out of some hot porridge indeed. Case in point: old people started clogging pedestrian traffic because of their sheer numbers way back in '74 - I shudder to think of all those flapping gums and saggy meat curtains shuffling their way through the downtown cores of urban centres everywhere - so anyway did our great polyester ancestors take it like a bitch on rollerskates? Hell no. Some genius invented old folks homes. See how pedestrians smile to this day.

Another example: in 1802, nazis and fascists worldwide were struggling to get their propaganda out to potential subservients of the new world order according to the demented but charming leaders of these newborn cults. However, due to the sheer population explosion in the summer of 1790, which we historians like to call "The Summer Lots Of Uptight Aristocratic Bitches Had Hot Hot Sex With Every Manservant In Sight", they realized that there were at least a billion people out there that were missing out on their groundbreaking philosophies merely by living halfway around the world. So did they sit around sulking and watching their black shirts get eaten by gorilla moths? Hell no! They invented the internet we so love and abuse today.

So there it is - I believe I have captured the magic that is inherent in brilliant solutions everywhere. But I must point out that the above-mentioned sparks of human intelligence are among the larger-scale occurrences of brilliant solutions; most of them are small and done on a very small budget. And the problems are far from over.

Yes, you heard me right: on my rare trips to the village grocery mart, I look around me and the air reeks with little annoyances, the highest ranked being what a few of my colleagues and I have dubbed "the sucking". You know that thing black folk do at the end of sentences like "y'know what I'm sayin, homepiece?" or such classics as "yo where's my mary jane homesquad" where they hold their teeth together and suck through the gaps? White folk do it too. I have to stop myself from laughing when in the presence of 'suckers' or I'd get my head beat like Nancy Kerrigan. I don't understand. Why waste energy trying to sound stupid? In the right hands that sucking power could be harnessed to give electricity and running water to impoverished native reservations.

Ranked second is the flu. One of the most bothersome acts of God yet, I believe this has crossed a certain line. Young nubile women I intend to seduce can't come out and play anymore cause they're sick. At first I thought maybe the PTA realized what I was up to but then I myself experienced the illness first hand and all I can say is this: you'd think the big guy upstairs would think for a second about where he throws his flu stick around... someone could lose an eye with that thing. Typical example of being raised in a broken home...

So there are my two main beefs with society today. I mean what are we but private parts to the gods so that they may play with us for their jest? My poor grandfather must be tossing and turning in the low quality ottoman we buried him in. This leads me to suggest - the reverend is in no way a man of action - that some brave and courageous soul take it upon himself (yes that's right HIMself - everyone knows women are no good at everything except taking it like a bitch on rollerskates) to create what will be translated in all the languages of this Earth as the Brilliant Solutions Party.

This party boasts not the issues that are relevant to the wealthy or the poor - it is aimed at those who hate them both: angry middle-class folk aged 20-45 who couldn't give a rat's jack ass about the environment or fruity topics like abortion and capital punishment. No, this party seeks to do what low-budget brilliant solutions can't in this day and age. We must stand for nothing but the total outlawing of "sucking" and those who perform this vile act should be punished by turning them into Hootie or something. Or sending them back to Jamaica. Another stipulation of this party would be to fully fund a bi-weekly print edition of the Capital Of Nasty for distribution in public schools worldwide - in English. Let the nations of the world understand that any other language will be dead or dying by 2007. As for the flu, no party can solve that problem that would be playing fucking God.

So hark brave soul, angry youth! Sound the rallying call far and wide so that all may hear the plea of our people. Join our masses in saluting the dawn of a much less suck-filled world.

PS - when the Jamaicans come after you - which they most certainly will - you may seek refuge in my parish. I will give you absolution for your sins.