Death isn't funny

Written by Edward Knoll

It's not funny, really. Every day, I'm sure thousands of young people die in freak accidents beyond their control. For instance, just today I read that 107 people, mostly teenagers, burned to death in a cable car tunnel on a ski mountain in Austria. The article said most survived the initial crash when the cable snapped only to die while trying to escape from acidic smoke that burned everything from their hair to their eyes. I mean, to laugh at that, you'd have to be one sick bastard. No, death isn't funny.

But STUPID death - people that die from the simple act of being too inanely dumb to live - hell, that's hilarious.

Case in point: two kids hop into glorified riding lawnmower a couple weeks ago during Take Your Kids to Work Day and manage to get themselves killed by crashing into a PARKED truck. No, it wasn't even moving, man. Not to mention the vehicle they were in tops out at 30 km/h, which for comparison is exactly how fast phlegm leaves your nose when you sneeze. In fact, somehow these formally-living examples of Darwinian principles in effect became lodged under the parked truck, so snuggly that rescue workers had to break out some hardware to get the pieces out. It takes some real talent to get yourself dead from an impact that normally isn't even enough to rip a Kleenex.

And now, of course, the parents of these unfortunate products of rampant idiocy are in arms about how such a devastating horror as this has occurred. I say, stop worrying about your kids and start worrying about yourself. Between the two of you, your genes somehow managed to come up with such a winning combination that even against all odds of probability, it managed to come out a winner and get itself killed. In all likelihood, you are the next to go, probably involving some kind of bathroom accident with a toothbrush, bare feet and the tube of Astroglide. Oh, and of course, you will be naked.

Last week's incident was what got me thinking about the whole stupidity of the human race issue, but another incident I heard about just now made me write it down. I receive a forward from a random person over ICQ in memory of some poor soul who, as you might guess, has died. Feeling morbidly curious, I ask what happened to this particular tragic death. It was a car crash, apparently. Disappointing, I know. The ghoul in me wanted a little action, like a violent club stabbing, or maybe a terrorist raid. But instead we've got a car crash - normally nothing worth any sort of sarcastic retaliation. Apparently, the police determined the car was fishtailing before it ended up compressed into a three-foot pancake on the side of the road. Now here's the kicker. Apparently, our young friend was INTENTIONALLY fishtailing. This act resulted in the accident, and consequently, his death.

Let's recap:

He was attempting to simulate losing control, but instead lost control, and died.

Excuse me, but. HAHAHA.

It seems there are some people that seem to be marked from birth as Ones Who Will Die Stupidly, such as the first case. And then there's this guy, who just plain ASK for it. Either way, if you die stupidly, I gotta laugh, man. I'm sorry. But hey, it's not all that bad. I mean, you brightened up my life, even if you were too dumb to live through yours.

I'm not completely insensitive, but I reserve my tears only for deaths of family members, the child victims of horribly disfiguring and debilitating diseases, and the cancellation of Star Trek: The Next Generation.