How To Insult Foreign Netizens

Written by Lord Lansdowne

Are you on ICQ? Have you noticed the sudden increase in Authorizations coming to you from Brazil? It seems that the Internet had a sudden discovery over there, and everyone and their uncle is now online and using ICQ.

During the day at work, my ICQ will for sure give me that "Authorization" sound and some person I never heard about with a .br extension in their e-mail address will ask for validation.

At first, I would validate and be nice to whoever, making an effort to understand what they were saying in Portugese. The majority of people that would add me were 12-17 years old, looking for a pen pal outside of Brazil.

That's fine and dandy, but despite me explaining to them in the best way I could that I did not speak Portugese, I started to get fed up. Especially when buddy would give my ICQ UIN to all his or her got to the point where I was getting at least one authorization request per day from someone that I couldn't talk to very well (my Portuguese is good only when I read, and even with that, I have problems).

To top it all, you'll start receiving all the Portuguese versions of the same English ICQ-forwards you received many years ago (including the AOL buyout of ICQ and the little dog running accross your screen if you annoy all your friends with this message) from each one of them.

Now, I have just two types of people in my book: people I like, to which I am nice and I will gladly give my left testicle if they were in an emergency at the hospital and needed a replacement, and of course, people I do not like. And when I don't like you, my mind is miles ahead on what I could possibly do to you to ensure a miserable existance.

So here are some good ways to annoy your foreign netizens when they start talking to you in ICQ and you have no idea what they are saying.

1. Answer right back in your native language, using jargon and words that even an English Major would have trouble spelling (Actually, the majority of English Majors I know have trouble spelling, period). Add lots of smileys at the end of each message you send back, causing your newly discovered pen pal to think you really want to talk to them. You can rest assured it will drive them insane in no time. Just for fun, quote what their original message was and write something long and convoluted under with plenty of smileys.

Say things suck as "Hi! My name is El Goate and I like to spank my monkey in public!" or "Ye shepard! Heed mine words: Thee're Fuckin' A Right Satan'll Smite Thee".

2. "A lot!". Quote something they say, and just keep adding "a lot!" to it.They usually will start with "Oi" which must be some sort of greeting, kinda like hi. So just write back "Oi, a lot!". You'll notice a bit of a pause on their third "A lot!" response they get from you. This is probably them scratching their head going "The fuck?" (in their language, of course).

3. - thank the powers that be that the Internet is so full of useful stuff. This site will translate anything you say in whatever language you want. While the translations are far from perfect, it can also be used for some rather unique offensive remarks. While most common swearwords will be ignored, you'll have to write like a retard, spitting out short sentences and simple words. But don't let this limit your imagination! Phrases such as "I can see your donkey. He has a big lower back!" or "I can smell your daddy from here!" come out rather well.

4. Use the above site and write a small personal-ad on a site in their native language, describing yourself as a beautiful woman seeking a relationship. Don't forget to add their e-mail address. According to whatever statistic you like to follow, the majority of people on the net are Male, half of which have probably never seen a woman naked (a real one) and will send tons of e-mails to their box. Ain't the net great?

5. Start talking to them in a fake version of their language - like Syd Ceaser's Russian - nyo biet me fe pias golfushtuck meen ha!

6. Take a little time out of your day and start sending them a whole whack of pointless messages. Share the fun! Since he or she was generous enough to forward your ICQ UIN to all their friends, do the same, and have all of your friends and have them send useful little insights and comments. Don't forget pictures of animals having sex, that's always a killer. A good site to find this is

By the way, her ICQ UIN is 60378915.

Is this a form of discrimination? Why, yes it is. I've been told that I'm going straight to hell for what I'm doing (this coming from people that live in a society where if you open the door for someone of the opposite sex makes you chauvinistic, and if you don't, rude). But unfortunately, since we're all humans, and we like to laugh on other people's misfortunes, here is your chance to actively pursue your politically incorrect agenda in the privacy of your cubicle.